can't believe it, but i still don't know if i am invited to my friend's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your friend sounds like a bit of a flake.

Have you written her back? If not here's what I swould email:

Oh, Petunia, that's fine!

I totally understand about small weddings. I was just confused because of the Save the Date card -- I thought you wanted me to save the date for your wedding, and I didn't want to offend you by not coming if you had sent me an email.

Thanks for inviting me to fill in for your cancellations, but as it turns out I have jury duty that week, so I'll have to miss your event. But have a GREAT time in Hawaii; I hope you have good weather, and you can tell me all about it whenyou get back.

Ha ha, LOVE this. Although I'd leave off the stuff about hearing about it when you get back.

I wrote it -- I meant "didn't get the invitation" not "didn't gett he email". And I'm assuming OP really does like her friends and likes hearing about the wedding, just was confused as anyone would be, by the Save the Date card!

Clearly the friend is a bit pf an oddball. Who doesn't understand that Save the date is for people to SAVE THE DATE?!?!?

But you can also love oddballs. And you can love hearing about their wedding plans, even if not ivited. Personally I'd be happy not to be invited to a Hawaii wedding -- can't afford to go anyhow.

[Anonymous]

How about my BFF who I was one of her maid of honors invited my mom to her bridal shower and then not to the wedding, both were local. My mom was very disappointed and I was too but couldn't say anything. Guess she hadn't gotten her wedding list numbers done before doing the bridal shower list. Big no-no in my book. If someone is invited to a bridal shower (a formal one given by friends/family) then they should be invited to the wedding. Don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about my BFF who I was one of her maid of honors invited my mom to her bridal shower and then not to the wedding, both were local. My mom was very disappointed and I was too but couldn't say anything. Guess she hadn't gotten her wedding list numbers done before doing the bridal shower list. Big no-no in my book. If someone is invited to a bridal shower (a formal one given by friends/family) then they should be invited to the wedding. Don't you think?[/quote]
Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How about my BFF who I was one of her maid of honors invited my mom to her bridal shower and then not to the wedding, both were local. My mom was very disappointed and I was too but couldn't say anything. Guess she hadn't gotten her wedding list numbers done before doing the bridal shower list. Big no-no in my book. If someone is invited to a bridal shower (a formal one given by friends/family) then they should be invited to the wedding. Don't you think?

Yes, that is messed up. It is like saying "Please come to my bridal shower to give me a gift, but don't come to my expensive wedding."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, your friend sounds like a bit of a flake.

Have you written her back? If not here's what I swould email:

Oh, Petunia, that's fine!

I totally understand about small weddings. I was just confused because of the Save the Date card -- I thought you wanted me to save the date for your wedding, and I didn't want to offend you by not coming if you had sent me an email.

Thanks for inviting me to fill in for your cancellations, but as it turns out I have jury duty that week, so I'll have to miss your event. But have a GREAT time in Hawaii; I hope you have good weather, and you can tell me all about it whenyou get back.

Ha ha, LOVE this. Although I'd leave off the stuff about hearing about it when you get back.

I wrote it -- I meant "didn't get the invitation" not "didn't gett he email". And I'm assuming OP really does like her friends and likes hearing about the wedding, just was confused as anyone would be, by the Save the Date card!

Clearly the friend is a bit pf an oddball. Who doesn't understand that Save the date is for people to SAVE THE DATE?!?!?

But you can also love oddballs. And you can love hearing about their wedding plans, even if not ivited. Personally I'd be happy not to be invited to a Hawaii wedding -- can't afford to go anyhow.

Way to miss the point, ^^pp. When you respect yourself you don't allow others to treat you like some sort of door mat. She wasn't just talking about her wedding plans with OP, she was including her in her wedding preparations. Don't minimize this with your glib comments. The woman's behavior is contemptible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell her point blank that you're confused because she gave you a save the date card but you never got an invitation. I'd say, "This is really awkward, but here goes ... "

It was beyond rude for her to hand you the card because it should have been mailed. Was she trying to save 44 cents? Remember if she only gives you a "save the date" card and sends you an invitation to the wedding and not to the reception, you do not need to send a present. She sounds as though she needs a few tips on how to treat her friends. She may be consumed with her wedding plans but this doesn't excuse bad manners of any type.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Way to miss the point, ^^pp. When you respect yourself you don't allow others to treat you like some sort of door mat. She wasn't just talking about her wedding plans with OP, she was including her in her wedding preparations. Don't minimize this with your glib comments. The woman's behavior is contemptible.

I don't think I missed any point, and I think you are going a bit overboard.

But she didn't include OP in her wedding preparations -- she asked her advice about hotels, since OP had been there, and has been discussing plans with her, as you might with a co-worker with whom you are friendly but not necessarily close.

Including in wedding preparations would be such things that take time and effort -- having a friend come with you to pick out your wedding gown, asking them to help address the invites, things of that nature. That wasn't something OP got roped into doing was it?

OP herself didn't seem hurt not to have been invited by this woman, just confused (because of the Save the Date card-- and who wouldn't be by that?) and doesn't seem like she is in need of dumping this woman as a friend.

OP isn't being treated like a doormat, she has a friend who seems flaky/clueless, but basically kind and hardly contemptible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP herself didn't seem hurt not to have been invited by this woman, just confused (because of the Save the Date card-- and who wouldn't be by that?) and doesn't seem like she is in need of dumping this woman as a friend.

OP isn't being treated like a doormat, she has a friend who seems flaky/clueless, but basically kind and hardly contemptible.

This is more or less my take and I am surprised at the level of venom in the thread. I don't want to defend the woman per se but she sounds more clueless than mean and the OP seemed confused not hurt.

[Anonymous]

OP hasn't said she's hurt, but I can't imagine that she isn't. She sounds like a decent human being. She was prepared to spend $$$$ and her time and her family's time traveling to this friend's wedding - and her friend led her to believe she was invited - and now she finds out that she isn't! Whether the friend is clueless or conniving - that has to hurt. Whether intentional or not, it's a rejection and that always hurts. I really feel for OP.

That said, only OP knows this friend well enough to know whether she is worth investing any more emotional energy into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my take...friend is totally weird and has poor manner but is not a jerk. Sounds to me like she just doesn't get it. FWIW, I am kind of an etiquette geek (own multiple copies of Emily Post and actually consult it), so I would never, under any circumstances sanction what she did. BUT there are just so many people out there who don't get it and who have no context, so I try very hard not to judge about it.

I think her mentioning the cancellations and asking you to come now was her trying to be nice...now that you've expressed an interest in coming, she felt bad and could feasibly include you. She didn't email you out of the blue and say there were cancellations and ask if you wanted to come. That would be way worse. I think she felt awkward about the situation and was trying to make it better by inviting you now. Again, poor etiquette but she clearly doesn't know any better.

As for what you should do now, absolutely do NOT go to the wedding. You clearly weren't meant to be invited. But be kind to her and just let it go. I actually sort of love the PP's draft email to her.

I agree with this. I am a PP who said ask her, but really thought you were invited because you got a save the date. But wait - did you say she "handed" you the save the date? If so, what did she say when she handed it to you? Was it "hey, what do you think of my save-the-dates?" or did she say "this one is for you."?

If it was the former, I guess if she REALLY did think she told you it was family only, she might have just been wanting you to see it. But even so, it isn't just that it's not great etiquette; it's just that it seems really kind of rude and thoughtless to hand someone a card that means "You are going to be invited to this event" and later say it was for a memento. I think that's part of what's really driving folks to call her self-absorbed; like, if someone loves you enough to want your freakin' save the date to save for posterity, I'd think they merit an invite, no? I mean, I'm lucky I saved my own save-the-dates!

But, that said, I think the PP above captures my feelings about this woman. She sounds like a flake more than anything. I think she probably realizes that she hurt your feelings, is possibly touched that you want to come, is more than a little bit embarrassed by her faux pas. She should have just said "Wow, I totally blew it and I'm sorry. I didn't know the etiquette on the save-the-dates and I just thought you might want to see what it looked like since we talked about it" (or whatever).

But I'm thinking she might genuinely want you to come to her wedding now. She could be really touched that you want to come enough to ask and is trying to make it happen (and having diarrhea of the mouth about the reasons why it may be possible -- people have canceled. My gosh, what is this woman thinking!?). But at any rate, she sounds really clumsy but not necessarily evil.

I actually have a friend who told me (verbally) to save the date for her wedding, which was on a cruise ship. My husband and I were moaning and groaning (to each other, not her) about having to go on a cruise, which we both hate, but we were willing to suck it up for our friend. Then we never got an invite. But in her case, she at least made a nodding attempt at discussing it. She didn't say "hey, I know I said you were invited" but rather just kind of brought it up in passing, as if we had already talked about her not being able to invite friends after all (which we had not). It was an extremely squirrelly way to back out of the invite, but I gave her a pass on it. I was just psyched not to have to go on a cruise. And plus, it is just awkward to have to admit you've goofed up. It's human to try to weasel out a bit.

Anyway, don't castrate your friend. But I hope she doesn't babysit for you or do anything of vital importance because she seems like she has a few screws loose.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I just reread your OP. now I can see why you were so completely confused. She handed you a save the date and said "this is for you?!??" That is just so strange. Yes, you may be certain this woman just doesn't get it. I'm sure she's not a bad person. If you're friends otherwise, let it go.

But honestly I would go for jury duty and then take a vacation elsewhere. you've already been to that spot in HI, right?

[Anonymous]

I guess it's hard to convey across cyberspace the kind of friendship she had with the woman. If a friend of mine talked to me about her preparations for her wedding, I would assume I was invited unless she specifically stated that it was going to be family-only. If a co-worker, with whom I was friendly but not particularly close, discussed her wedding plans, I wouldn't necessarily think I was invited. OP obviously felt like she was a true friend with this person. On top of that, the person gave her a save the date card. Almost anyone would interpret that as a preclude to an invitation.