can't believe it, but i still don't know if i am invited to my friend's wedding

[Anonymous]

No one is lambasting the woman because she didn't invite someone. Its because she actively included this friend in the wedding planining and gave her a save-the-date card. I think destination weddings are typically small for the reasons you stated. But did you tell all your friends to save the date even if they were not invited?

But yes, I'd never drop a friend over a wedding. Weddings turn perfectly sane people into freaks. They generally turn back to normal a few weeks after the honeymoon.

That is not what I said. I said her "approach to this." Including save the date cards and follow-up. Please read.

[Anonymous]

Wow - so not how I expected this to play out and I'm sorry but no one can be that dense. Every website, book, magazine etc on weddings absolutely highlights that you do NOT give Save the Dates to people that are not invited to the wedding. And I agree with others that her response was a total back handed apology - and half-assed invite.

I know people say weddings can make people crazy - but is it really that or it just brings out the inner freak in some of these bridezillas?

[Anonymous]

OP - Same thing happened to me and people like that don't even realize something's not right. My best friend had a wedding on the cruise and she sent me a link to their wedding website and talked to me about the details. I never got the invite, and I assumed I wasn't invited. I was really hurt especially after seeing the pictures and noting the non-members at the wedding.

[Anonymous]

This woman either needed to write you and say

1) "I'm sorry there was a misunderstanding, we are having a small wedding, I'm sorry if I misled you." Perhaps the relationship could be saved??

2) "of course you're invited - silly me did I forget to give you your invitation?" and life goes on.

The way she did it, well, you weren't invited, but now some people who we expected to travel for 9 hours to come, OMG can't make it!, so now we have some extra space at the party and if you want to pony up for the trip, I guess you can come, but wait don't bring your child. Ugh that just irks me. I say send a card and hope she is so embarrassed she never calls you again.

[Anonymous]

OP: I feel as if you have been sucker-punched. If it were me, I would keep busy for the next few months and let the answering machine pick-up her calls. Convienently be out of town for any bridal shower??

There was another thread on here not long ago from a poster whose friend starting treating her differently after she had a child. Your friend may be suferring from the same problem. Though she may think it through and apologize to you in the very near future and offer a sincere invitation.

I think weddings bring out where you are in the scale of friendship with the bride. You discover whether you really are friends or good acquaintances. It sounds as if you just don't rate OP: but she sure wanted a nice present from you and to waste...cough, cough,...bend your ear about the wedding.

[Anonymous]

She is a douche. People who do this are the douchey-est. No bridezilla excuse here, just douchey.

[Anonymous]

The origingal behavior is weird (giving the save the date when you're not invited). BUT, telling you she hopes you come because people are now cancelling, is SO RUDE.

I wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she didn't do all of the pre-wedding planning nonsense intentionally (but even still, that makes her DENSE) but the way she handled it was awful awful awful. She just gave you a pity invite! She admitted you weren't invited, but because other cooler closer invitees couldn't make it then, hmm, would you want to be a filler?? Gross.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a boney, fake, using, lying, grandiose, back-stabbing, duplicitous douche.

[Anonymous]

OP, your friend sounds like a bit of a flake.

Have you written her back? If not here's what I swould email:

Oh, Petunia, that's fine!

I totally understand about small weddings. I was just confused because of the Save the Date card -- I thought you wanted me to save the date for your wedding, and I didn't want to offend you by not coming if you had sent me an email.

Thanks for inviting me to fill in for your cancellations, but as it turns out I have jury duty that week, so I'll have to miss your event. But have a GREAT time in Hawaii; I hope you have good weather, and you can tell me all about it whenyou get back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your friend sounds like a bit of a flake.

Have you written her back? If not here's what I swould email:

Oh, Petunia, that's fine!

I totally understand about small weddings. I was just confused because of the Save the Date card -- I thought you wanted me to save the date for your wedding, and I didn't want to offend you by not coming if you had sent me an email.

Thanks for inviting me to fill in for your cancellations, but as it turns out I have jury duty that week, so I'll have to miss your event. But have a GREAT time in Hawaii; I hope you have good weather, and you can tell me all about it whenyou get back.

LOL, this is the first draft of so many emails that I never send! OP seems too nice to send it, but I'd be very tempted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your friend sounds like a bit of a flake.

Have you written her back? If not here's what I swould email:

Oh, Petunia, that's fine!

I totally understand about small weddings. I was just confused because of the Save the Date card -- I thought you wanted me to save the date for your wedding, and I didn't want to offend you by not coming if you had sent me an email.

Thanks for inviting me to fill in for your cancellations, but as it turns out I have jury duty that week, so I'll have to miss your event. But have a GREAT time in Hawaii; I hope you have good weather, and you can tell me all about it whenyou get back.

Ha ha, LOVE this. Although I'd leave off the stuff about hearing about it when you get back.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound like such a nice person. I hope you someday get the sort nice friends that you deserve.

[Anonymous]

Here's my take...friend is totally weird and has poor manner but is not a jerk. Sounds to me like she just doesn't get it. FWIW, I am kind of an etiquette geek (own multiple copies of Emily Post and actually consult it), so I would never, under any circumstances sanction what she did. BUT there are just so many people out there who don't get it and who have no context, so I try very hard not to judge about it.

I think her mentioning the cancellations and asking you to come now was her trying to be nice...now that you've expressed an interest in coming, she felt bad and could feasibly include you. She didn't email you out of the blue and say there were cancellations and ask if you wanted to come. That would be way worse. I think she felt awkward about the situation and was trying to make it better by inviting you now. Again, poor etiquette but she clearly doesn't know any better.

As for what you should do now, absolutely do NOT go to the wedding. You clearly weren't meant to be invited. But be kind to her and just let it go. I actually sort of love the PP's draft email to her.

[Anonymous]

"it's not because she's so self absorbed - she probably just doesn't give these things much thought"

Not thinking about others is pretty much the defintion of self-absorbed