can't believe it, but i still don't know if i am invited to my friend's wedding

[Anonymous]

Gal pal is engaged and planning a wedding this spring in Hawaii. She speaks freely about wedding plans with me, which lately has included some mixed statements about whether or not I will be invited:

- she asked lots of advice about hotels to book room blocks (I have been to this particular spot of HI) and told me where she plans on her guests staying, where she is staying, and the actual wedding location - - 1/2 point for invite YES
- she says she believes she knows who is coming (destination wedding, people plan far out, etc.) and knows roughly who will be staying at the hotel with the reserved room block (I have not heard of any room rate details, etc.) - - 1 point for invite NO
- she excitedly told me about her save the date cards when they arrived, which I presume she was going to mail out, and while driving me home one night in her car, she handed me one (loose, not in an envelope) and said, 'this is for you.' - - 1 point for invite YES
- as part of a greater conversation on flights, she mentioned east coast folks she thought were coming and DH and I were not included - - 2 points for invite NO

Any thoughts? (I don't need to ask her; I will know soon enough if I see an invitation in the mail before the wedding date!)

[Anonymous]

I'd tell her point blank that you're confused because she gave you a save the date card but you never got an invitation. I'd say, "This is really awkward, but here goes ... "

[Anonymous]

Hmmm ... I'd give more YES points for the handing you a save the date. I think she assumes you know you're invited. And maybe she feels equally awkward because she doesn't want to ask you outright if you can go or afford to go, etc. Just a hunch.

[Anonymous]

I think it's possible your invitation got lost in the mail. Is there anyone who could ask her for you? If someone else you know is invited says "hey, husband and I are coming - who else will we know there? Is so-and-so coming?" If she says "I didn't invite her," then you know the answer is no. If she says, "I don't know, haven't heard back", then your friend can say, "actually, she asked me to find out what was up - she never got an invite." Less awkward than just asking her point-blank, though you could probably do that too.

[Anonymous]

If it weren't for the Save the Date, I'd say no.

[Anonymous]

She handed you the "save the date" card. That should be enough. You're invited. Have you asked her "how can I be of help or support you at the wedding?". This would be a great opportunity to see how she has integrated you into her plans, or hasn't.

[Anonymous]

If she gave you a save the date card, it's obvious you are invited.

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the reponses!
But to your suggestions, I did try to prod for more information: she has no attendants to ask any questions, and when I asked what items she is hoping to get from her registry (doesn't want to do a registry) or for the home (tiny condo) I get nothing more discernable.
She recently asked my advice on how I addressed my wedding invites (when I got married years ago) and I take it to mean no invites have gone out yet.

I have to laugh at all of this. I guess it's a good thing I haven't bought the 2K worth of plane tix yet... I had hoped to plan ahead, but my imagined status as a guest changes daily!

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are invited. She is not going to say "I assume you are going." when talking about who is going. That would be rude of her. She handed you the "save the date".

[Anonymous]

Wow, if she's not inviting you, she's behaving pretty badly. I hate it when people go on about their weddings in front of me when I know they're not inviting me (and I'm in a social circle where some people are being invited and others not). The polite thing is to not go on about it and involve you to this degree if she is not inviting you.

If she's not inviting you, she should have said so up front when asking you your opinion. It would have been awkward but it would have been polite.

I vote for asking her outright, especially because you got the save the date card directly from her.

[Anonymous]

I would also assume that something happened to your invite. When she does not hear from you by the response date...she will reach out to you. Do not say anything to her as it is bad manners.

[Anonymous]

I'm 99% sure you're invited. She handed you a save the date! And if you weren't invited, at some point she would have said that to you while discussing all these wedding plans unless she is a complete and utter social moron. But good lord, just ask her point blank already! Make it funny - "This may sound ridiculous but am I invited to the wedding? Wasn't sure because I didn't get an official save the date?" Easy as that. No biggie.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. Just say something to her like "Hey Sue, John and I are trying to plan out our trips for this spring and summer, with work and other travel plans. I haven't seen invites out yet but wanted to know if we were invited so we could get a jump on booking plane tickets and hotel." If I were your friend and for some strange reason I wasn't inviting you before this point (which would be weird because there's no way I'd give a Save the Date and talk about my wedding to someone I wasn't inviting), I'd likely be inviting you now after you ask...

[Anonymous]

Just a guess...is your friend from a different culture? I am from Asia and it is not unusual to make it totally informal. I bet my parents added atleast 20 guests in the last one week for my sister's wedding. They bumped into these people and would say hey our daughter is getting married on this date please come over. I can assure you those people showed up Between friends, it is very common to keep it casual. Your friend might think since she talks to you so often and even handed you the save the date, and you didn't say no, it is a given that you are invited and that you are coming.

[Anonymous]

Okay OP but tell her as a favor that you did not receive an invite. Maybe others got lost. This happened to a friend's mother, several invites got lost in the mail. She thought the lack of response was inattention or rudeness!

The Save the Date Card is confirmation, do her a favor and tell her!