Should single women over 35 settle if they want children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, most people who end up finding someone to marry before their mid 30s see their potential pool of partners as the people who are interested in them and pick from this pool without feeling like doing so is settling. In contrast, many of the people who stay single for a long time focus on a different potential pool of partners that includes people who are objectively way out of their league, and see a relationship with someone on their own level as settling. I use gender neutral pronouns here because I've seen this dynamic play out with men and women.

There is a lot of truth to this.

[Anonymous]

It seems like a crappy thing to do to someone else. I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t find me attractive.
I guess if he knew about it and also wanted the conventional family for some reason, maybe it would be okay.

Would you still let this poor man see other women? Or is he just destined for some terrible loveless life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, most people who end up finding someone to marry before their mid 30s see their potential pool of partners as the people who are interested in them and pick from this pool without feeling like doing so is settling. In contrast, many of the people who stay single for a long time focus on a different potential pool of partners that includes people who are objectively way out of their league, and see a relationship with someone on their own level as settling. I use gender neutral pronouns here because I've seen this dynamic play out with men and women.

There is a lot of truth to this.

+1. But compatibility isn't just looks. For example, I come from what would generally be considered a lower middle class background, and have done well academically and professionally. Not going to delude myself, it is highly unlikely when I was single that a woman from a country club, Ivy League background would have been interested in me. Not because of looks and education, but our backgrounds are not going to square unlike the movies.

[Anonymous]

A poster asked if OP has always been single or if she just saw herself single recently. This is a great point. If you've been capable of sustaining long term relationships in the past chances are you can find someone again. If you have no ltr experience that might point to a broader issue that prevents you from from finding that person.

This doesn't solve your question about having kids but tell you how likely you are to find someone without the need to settle.

[Anonymous]

OP here:

Freezing eggs is expensive and there's a chance I might need a few cycles. I'm considering it but not sure if I'll proceed with it.

Single motherhood is out of question. I don't want to raise a child alone.

In case you're wondering, I'm not looking for Henry Cavill. I just want someone I enjoy spending time with and have chemistry with even if that person isn't physically attractive by objective standards. I'm currently dating a guy that I like talking to but I'm not too keen on the idea of sleeping with him. I was in a long term relationship with someone I really liked around. This relationship ended 4 years ago because of incompatibilities around work.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of chopped men but also a lot of chopped women

A lot of things could be solved if there was a national level state capacity driven focus on fitness and nutrition

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of chopped men but also a lot of chopped women

A lot of things could be solved if there was a national level state capacity driven focus on fitness and nutrition

What?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Freezing eggs is expensive and there's a chance I might need a few cycles. I'm considering it but not sure if I'll proceed with it.

Single motherhood is out of question. I don't want to raise a child alone.

In case you're wondering, I'm not looking for Henry Cavill. I just want someone I enjoy spending time with and have chemistry with even if that person isn't physically attractive by objective standards. I'm currently dating a guy that I like talking to but I'm not too keen on the idea of sleeping with him. I was in a long term relationship with someone I really liked around. This relationship ended 4 years ago because of incompatibilities around work.

Jesus why would you even date a man you don’t want to sleep with ? Imagine in marriage he would want sex daily and you will grow to hate him and will become frigid yourself. Why do you waste time ? Date around find somone you are enjoying in bed and who has a similar goal in life

[Anonymous]

It's too late at 35 to find, marry and have a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or is it better to be childless than partner up with someone you don't want?

By "settling" I don't mean "dating someone imperfect or bad on paper", I'm talking about getting with someone you're not that attracted to.

No. Go and have a kid by yourself using a good donor sperm. Make sure that you are wealthy and can outsource some stuff. Make sure that you have a support system. Make sure that you live near your parents (if a loving and functional family).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go the sperm bank and do it yourself.

This!

Don’t complicate your life with a partner you aren’t sure about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:35 is too old dangerous for the baby

It's not. Relative risk is higher, but absolute risk is low, you rearhat.

The best biological window for pregnancy is generally the 20s to early 30s. That is when fertility is highest, egg quality is better, miscarriage risk is lower, and pregnancy complications are generally lower. ACOG says fertility starts declining by around age 30, declines faster in the mid-30s, and by 45 has declined so much that natural pregnancy is unlikely for most women. ASRM also says fertility begins dropping in the late 20s or early 30s and falls more rapidly after 35.
That does not mean every woman over 35 cannot have a healthy baby. Of course many do. But it is dishonest to pretend 35 is medically the same as 25 or 30. It is not. ACOG specifically classifies pregnancy at 35+ as "advanced maternal age" because risks are higher for both the mother and baby, including miscarriage, chromosomal abnormalities, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, cesarean delivery, preterm birth, low birth weight, and stillbirth.

And no, "absolute risk is low" does not erase the issue. Relative risk matters when you are talking about fertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, and genetic abnormalities. A risk can still be statistically meaningful even if many pregnancies turn out fine.

After 35, women are often told to seek fertility evaluation after only 6 months of trying, not after a full year, because fertility declines with age. CDC says some providers evaluate and treat women 35+ after 6 months of unprotected sex, and NIH/NICHD gives the same general threshold.
Also, fertility treatments are not magic. Hormone stimulation, IVF, egg retrieval, genetic testing, donor eggs, and high-risk OB monitoring may become more relevant with age, but they do not fully undo age-related egg quality decline. ASRM says women delaying pregnancy after 35 should get information on testing and treatment while staying realistic about the chances of success.

So the accurate medical statement is this: the ideal biological age to have a baby is usually in the 20s to early 30s. After 35, fertility is lower and pregnancy risks are higher. Plenty of women still have healthy babies after 35, but pretending age does not matter is misinformation.

The challenge is that biologically, most women would be best off reproducing in their 20s and early 30s. And also, most women are most marketable in their mid-20s.

However, pretty much every woman I know who married the man she was dating in her 20s now thinks she didn't live independently enough, or was way too young to get married, or has checked out of the marriage. Mid-40s self-actualization, etc. It can be pretty messy at that point with pre-teens/young teens.

I do think 26, 27 is way too young for a lot of people to pick the person they'll be with for life. But, that's the advice we get from those who waited. Honestly all of life's a gamble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Or is it better to be childless than partner up with someone you don't want?

By "settling" I don't mean "dating someone imperfect or bad on paper", I'm talking about getting with someone you're not that attracted to.

No. Go and have a kid by yourself using a good donor sperm. Make sure that you are wealthy and can outsource some stuff. Make sure that you have a support system. Make sure that you live near your parents (if a loving and functional family).

OP already mentioned she doesn't want to be a single parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Freezing eggs is expensive and there's a chance I might need a few cycles. I'm considering it but not sure if I'll proceed with it.

Single motherhood is out of question. I don't want to raise a child alone.

In case you're wondering, I'm not looking for Henry Cavill. I just want someone I enjoy spending time with and have chemistry with even if that person isn't physically attractive by objective standards. I'm currently dating a guy that I like talking to but I'm not too keen on the idea of sleeping with him. I was in a long term relationship with someone I really liked around. This relationship ended 4 years ago because of incompatibilities around work.

Jesus why would you even date a man you don’t want to sleep with ? Imagine in marriage he would want sex daily and you will grow to hate him and will become frigid yourself. Why do you waste time ? Date around find somone you are enjoying in bed and who has a similar goal in life

NP. According to DCUM women should either be single parents or lower their standards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Freezing eggs is expensive and there's a chance I might need a few cycles. I'm considering it but not sure if I'll proceed with it.

Single motherhood is out of question. I don't want to raise a child alone.

In case you're wondering, I'm not looking for Henry Cavill. I just want someone I enjoy spending time with and have chemistry with even if that person isn't physically attractive by objective standards. I'm currently dating a guy that I like talking to but I'm not too keen on the idea of sleeping with him. I was in a long term relationship with someone I really liked around. This relationship ended 4 years ago because of incompatibilities around work.

Jesus why would you even date a man you don’t want to sleep with ? Imagine in marriage he would want sex daily and you will grow to hate him and will become frigid yourself. Why do you waste time ? Date around find somone you are enjoying in bed and who has a similar goal in life

NP. According to DCUM women should either be single parents or lower their standards.

I would rather be single and date with plentiful options to sleep with hot men than married to a man I don’t even want sexually just to get pregnant. WTF?