Should single women over 35 settle if they want children?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| You should not have a child with someone unless you want that person to be in your life forever. Is this not particularly attractive person kind, reliable, trustworthy, someone who shares your value and that you enjoy spending time with? If it's just that the purely physical is meh, but he's otherwise a great potential partner, I'd give it a hard think if motherhood is important to you. If you're physically turned off by him though, that's not a recipe for success. |
Anonymous
| Read "The Case for Settling" by Lori Gottlieb. The title is clickbait but it's more about prioritizing what attributes matter to you the most. |
Anonymous
|
There's no right answer because "Settle" covers everything from "he's only 5'11"/is slightly balding/only makes $150,000 but is otherwise perfect and we're very happy together" to "He's not an evil person but I cringe every time I see him."
In those cases, the answer is obvious, but in real life it's never that clear cut. We are all flawed, but deciding when the flaws are deal breakers can be difficult. |
Anonymous
Rich, white DC women talking about privilege. That’s funny! |
Anonymous
| I was in a long term relationship, but due to a series of circumstances we didn't have any children. Our relationship went down the drain for unrelated reasons. I was 36 at the time and soon jumped into a relationship with a great guy I wasn't attracted to. I tried really hard to get passed that and I just couldn't. I eventually met someone I really like, but I was already 41 and pregnancy didn't happen. This isn't an ideal situation, but being with someone I'm mad about put things into perspective. I value sexual attraction too much to settle for someone for any reason. |
Anonymous
|
It's not a binary choice of settling or not settling. You need to think about what specific traits are important to you, and select for those traits while letting go of the things that aren't as important. Nobody is going to be 100% perfect, so you need to choose where to put your attention.
I'd advise letting go of superficial ideals like looks, powerful career, or excitement. Look for traits like honesty, respect, dependability, and fairness. That may look like "settling", but it's really just being deliberate about what you want. Of course, your choices may be different from mine - the point is to make your choices, whatever they are. Once you make your choice, don't think of it as settling - that mindset is a sure path to misery. Focus on the reasons you are choosing this person. |
Anonymous
How do you know I'm white? |
Anonymous
| Don't stay with someone if attraction isn't there. Their other qualities are irrelevant. |
Anonymous
| Gray divorce lawyers really hope you choose to settle. |
Anonymous
It might be helpful to consider yourself more objectively. You're probably not as special as you think. Consider that you're not likely the guy's first choice, either. |
Anonymous
Depends on your preferences and options. |
Anonymous
NP here. I am white (if that matters to some here) and set 35 as the age by which I would try to meet someone I didn’t settle for. Then I’d have a child on my own. I decided adoption was the best option for me and adopted DD at age 38. I didn’t crack $100K salary until she was in high school, but it was fine. We lived in a small, one bathroom house in an OK school district and took one big vacation a year. I always told her we may not have everything we want, but we have everything we need. For me it was priorities, not privilege. |
Anonymous
Adopt. |
Anonymous
| Foster. |
Anonymous
Choosing someone because you are desperate is the worst thing you can do to that person. |