Grandmother’s Funeral Same Time as Promotion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Based on the lack of importance of the amusement park trip and promotion ceremony, I’d send DD to the funeral. I would not go yourself.

This. Family comes first. Send add to the funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is that the dad should have spoken up about the funeral planning and asked for it to happen after the graduation activities. But he is likely so disengaged that that never occurred to him. Unfortunately I think the better answer here is to tell her she has to go, but it sucks that dad was not more on the ball about her needs.

No, an amusement park trip does not take precedence over a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WWYD

I parallel parent and keep interaction at a minimum with ex.

His mother passed away and their family wants to hold the funeral the same week as the 8th grade trip/promotion. Although ex is local, Grandma lives across the country. I am upset about the timing.

Ex has not shown up to any school activities this year. However he does take custody of kids when scheduled. I asked if they could work around the end of the year activities. I was told no.

Grandma saw the kids once a year.
WWYD

Send daughter to the funeral. Why is this even a question?

Have a party midsummer for daughter and her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue here is that the dad should have spoken up about the funeral planning and asked for it to happen after the graduation activities. But he is likely so disengaged that that never occurred to him. Unfortunately I think the better answer here is to tell her she has to go, but it sucks that dad was not more on the ball about her needs.

But that communicates dad didn't care about me and now neither does mom. I think 14 year olds get to decide for themselves. And if she decides not to go, it's a direct consequence of his deciding not to prioritize her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course your kid goes to her grandmother’s funeral!

Death doesn’t come on your schedule. If it was your mother there’d be no question. Come on.

She goes to the funeral, and then you take her and her friends to the amusement park later in the summer.

If it was OP's mother, OP wouldn't have let the scheduling interfere with events so important to her DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will DD see family that she rarely sees since they live far away? I kinda think a grandma would rather she go on the 8th grade trip! Tough one. No real wrong or right.

In spite of the usual dcum bandwagon vitriol, I agree with this. There is no right or wrong.

Funerals are very much for the living, and the ex isn't holding up his end of the bargain to be supported by a 14 year old.

OTOH, if DF was close to grandmother, she may regret not going.

OToOH, these promotion ceremonies and trips are often foundational memories. Hard to miss this time and you can never get it back.

OTfOH...the point pp made about the ex holding it over you is one to consider.

You are not a terrible parent. You are trying to balance a tricky situation.

If it were me, I would not send her unless she wants to go. I hated my GM but went to her funeral to support my mom because we were incredibly close. DD seems like she barely has a father.

If I were the dead one, I would not want my grandchild missing out too mourn at a funeral, not when she could celebrate my life and death in other ways.

This

OP here

If ex and his family were active in the children's (yes, more than one) lives, they would be at the grandmother's funeral, no questions asked. As the children have gotten older, he has been seen less and less, other than what has been put in the child custody agreement. I have no clue what grandma's relationship was like after we divorced.

He has not shown up for any child-related event that does not fall within his time (one weekend per month, every other holiday, one month in the summer). That is why I parallel parent, tired of informing him of events he chooses not to attend. I originally asked him to take custody every weekend, and he claimed that it was too difficult due to living 25 minutes away.

At the end of the day, if I am a terrible parent, so be it. I did appreciate that this will probably be held over my head (which is true) if I don't allow it, so at the end of the day, they will be in attendance.

I will wait until high school graduation day (which he probably won't attend, unless it is held on his weekend).

[Anonymous]

Unless there are very special circumstances, an 8th grade promotion and trip is not at all important.

[Anonymous]

Share how great YOUR co-parenting experience is going?

Our interactions aren’t always smooth, as neither of us are perfect, but again, we manage to act like adults.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would make it known that you had communicated ahead of time that a certain dates/or dates would be a conflict. State that in written notes: to a few of those family members you like, and a couple of the more busy-body family members. Take your pick

Just that there is a date conflict. It doesn't surprise you that the particular date was chosen, it needed to be, but that the timing is unfortunate.

No good will come of you being specific. Yes, they may discuss and some may hear of a reason. But it won't be known for certain. Those who want to think bad of you will just think bad of you. Those who wouldn't be inclined to think poorly of you won't be very interested in knowing the why.

If your DD was ok with missing the school event, have her go to the funeral. Otherwise, do not stress over this. Send regrets re: the funeral.

[Anonymous]

8th grade. Ask the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where is the 8th grade trip to? Like an Amusement park or 4 days in NYC?

Amusement park

Are you serious? Wow.

Right! Should bury her with Rodney Dangerfield.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How does she feel about it?

My sibling missed my grandfather's funeral becuase he was at an 8th grade award trip for something he won. No one told him about he death until after the event because they didn't want to "ruin the big day" for him. To this day, he is bitter about having missed that funeral.

She's old enough that her opinion matters. And, this should be between her and her dad.

This is different and was a difficult decision for the parents. Your brother won something and had an achievement they wanted to recognize.

8th grade going to 9th grade isn’t even a big deal. Thats not a real graduation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WWYD

I parallel parent and keep interaction at a minimum with ex.

His mother passed away and their family wants to hold the funeral the same week as the 8th grade trip/promotion. Although ex is local, Grandma lives across the country. I am upset about the timing.

Ex has not shown up to any school activities this year. However he does take custody of kids when scheduled. I asked if they could work around the end of the year activities. I was told no.

Grandma saw the kids once a year.
WWYD

No family will schedule a funeral of a loved one around an amusement park trip. Eighth grade is not a big deal graduation. It would be different if it was college or high school.

Have a heart.

[Anonymous]

Your DD will be “terribly sick” that week and won’t be able to travel. Bye Felicia!

[Anonymous]

OP, your "if this makes me a terrible parent so be it" is a bit hand-wringing.

And you keep harping on the fact that your ex doesn't much participate in school activities. It's not germane to the his mother dying and wanting to take his/your child to the funeral.