Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is his house. You don’t control his house.

STOP.

Seriously. I think I know why he divorced her. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

I think the solution to this worry is to reach out "I wanted to check in, what days do you want the kids this week? Larlo's got basketball games on Tuesday and Friday, and Larla's going to Jennie's for a sleepover on Saturday night." Then document clearly if he replied. If he did ask to take them, did he actually show up? How long did he keep them?

[Anonymous]

Are you hoping for full or more than 1/2 custody? If so, it is in your best interest to have him NOT set up the kids' rooms, because this demonstrates his unwillingness or inability to have custody. Leave it alone. ESPECIALLY if they are not staying over. If they were staying over without sheets, or on the floor, or something worse, then you'd need to intervene. But if they're just doing day visits and don't have rooms and you're still working things out and want more custody, leave it alone!

Of course you won't get in trouble. This isn't your job.

[Anonymous]

When did he move in?

[Anonymous]

I would probably let my kid take some of her stuff over there, since she has plenty of art and stuffies and decorative pillows and books here. No, it's not your job, but there's no harm in taking the high road if it makes your kids happy. I also send feminine hygiene products back to his house with her because I don't want her to have to spend her own money or rely on him to buy the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

I think the solution to this worry is to reach out "I wanted to check in, what days do you want the kids this week? Larlo's got basketball games on Tuesday and Friday, and Larla's going to Jennie's for a sleepover on Saturday night." Then document clearly if he replied. If he did ask to take them, did he actually show up? How long did he keep them?

Good approach but better to say what days would you like the kids. The games are on x and X. Karla would like to go to a sleepover if she’s not going to be seeing you at that time.

[Anonymous]

You are getting divorced because of your control issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends. Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends. Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.

We have a consistent schedule from before he rented a place. He has not replied to requests to update this schedule that would include more or overnight time. It seems clear this schedule is what “works best for him.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

I think the solution to this worry is to reach out "I wanted to check in, what days do you want the kids this week? Larlo's got basketball games on Tuesday and Friday, and Larla's going to Jennie's for a sleepover on Saturday night." Then document clearly if he replied. If he did ask to take them, did he actually show up? How long did he keep them?

Good approach but better to say what days would you like the kids. The games are on x and X. Karla would like to go to a sleepover if she’s not going to be seeing you at that time.

Do not do this. The kids should be able to attend activities and social plans. No kid wants to be the one who is missing out on the sleepover because "I have to see my dad that night." As long as you are not purposely scheduling the kids for other things during all of dad's time, if they received an invitation or have activities at that time, they should be going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you hoping for full or more than 1/2 custody? If so, it is in your best interest to have him NOT set up the kids' rooms, because this demonstrates his unwillingness or inability to have custody. Leave it alone. ESPECIALLY if they are not staying over. If they were staying over without sheets, or on the floor, or something worse, then you'd need to intervene. But if they're just doing day visits and don't have rooms and you're still working things out and want more custody, leave it alone!

Of course you won't get in trouble. This isn't your job.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

I think the solution to this worry is to reach out "I wanted to check in, what days do you want the kids this week? Larlo's got basketball games on Tuesday and Friday, and Larla's going to Jennie's for a sleepover on Saturday night." Then document clearly if he replied. If he did ask to take them, did he actually show up? How long did he keep them?

Good approach but better to say what days would you like the kids. The games are on x and X. Karla would like to go to a sleepover if she’s not going to be seeing you at that time.

Do not do this. The kids should be able to attend activities and social plans. No kid wants to be the one who is missing out on the sleepover because "I have to see my dad that night." As long as you are not purposely scheduling the kids for other things during all of dad's time, if they received an invitation or have activities at that time, they should be going.

+1. That’s falling for a trap if you make it so that he gets them whenever he feels like it. He can easily make up stories that you put up barriers (“she wants to go to a sleepover!”). My ex also spent the first 4 months never having kid sleep over and then all of a sudden got a bug up his *ss about how I was keeping kid from him. I very quickly documented (in an email) all the efforts I had made and told him that he must start taking “his” days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends. Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.

We have a consistent schedule from before he rented a place. He has not replied to requests to update this schedule that would include more or overnight time. It seems clear this schedule is what “works best for him.”

I would make sure you have documentation of those requests. If you made them verbally, then I'd make them at least one more time in writing.

And then just make sure you're sticking to those times, until he asks for more. If you need to cancel (kid is sick, kid has a very important commitment) then offer replacement time in writing, but otherwise, I think the ball is in his court to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends. Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.

We have a consistent schedule from before he rented a place. He has not replied to requests to update this schedule that would include more or overnight time. It seems clear this schedule is what “works best for him.”

I would make sure you have documentation of those requests. If you made them verbally, then I'd make them at least one more time in writing.

And then just make sure you're sticking to those times, until he asks for more. If you need to cancel (kid is sick, kid has a very important commitment) then offer replacement time in writing, but otherwise, I think the ball is in his court to ask.

The agreement is the agreement though. OP doesn’t just get to cancel dad’s time because the kid is sick or has a “commitment.” That’s why the whole “offer him flexibility” or “work with him” thing is a trap. He will be more than happy to take them or not depending on his own convenience but the second mom says “Larla has a cold and wants to stay here” or “Larla has a sleepover” - he will start to cry “parental alienation.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are hostile and uncooperative. You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake. If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc. Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to. Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him. (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it). He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him. Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake. I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids. None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable. One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.

No she isn’t. Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP. She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced. It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them. This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point. They will repeat this in their own lives. If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all.

He isn’t getting full custody. Be real. Do you have to? No. Will you get in trouble? No, of course not. Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes. And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it. You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it. Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent. Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it. Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy. I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.

I am confused. It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet. It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions. As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule. Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent. But this doesn't seem to be part of that. Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him. Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house. I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!" "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex. Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.

I am the PP here. I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now. What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends. Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.

We have a consistent schedule from before he rented a place. He has not replied to requests to update this schedule that would include more or overnight time. It seems clear this schedule is what “works best for him.”

I would make sure you have documentation of those requests. If you made them verbally, then I'd make them at least one more time in writing.

And then just make sure you're sticking to those times, until he asks for more. If you need to cancel (kid is sick, kid has a very important commitment) then offer replacement time in writing, but otherwise, I think the ball is in his court to ask.

This, but I would reach out every 2 weeks or monthly and offer a schedule so he if he says you are withholding the kids or not working with him, you have a text or email showing you reached out and he didn't respond.

Send the same email each time.

Hello, I am working on the children's schedules for the next month. Please let me know which days/nights you plan to take the kids so I can plan accordingly. Attached is the calendar of their activities and things planned so far. Thank you!