Reply to Am I expected to set up my kids’ rooms at STBX’s house?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][twitter][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][twitter][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you are hostile and uncooperative.  You need to find a way to work with him and communicate with him for your children's sake.  If you want to use their rooms as an excuse so they cannot have overnights or visits, that's hurting your kids.

Send him to pottery barn, crate and barrell or a company with free design services and tell him schedule an in-person or online appointment and they can guide him and the kids through choosing furniture, bedding, etc.  Tell him the kids sizes and what stores to take them to.  Its about your kids not you.

My husband's ex was horribly hostile to him and used the kids to get at him.  (she had the affair, not him, he tried to stay for the kids and ignore it).  He's a great husband and father, but even with our kids, he has no clue the sizes and other things as we divide and conquer on who does what and I do the shopping for everyone including him.  Could he figure it out, sure, but at this point, so could my teens but I would help for our kids sake.  I've seen the outcome of parents fighting and one keeping the other parent from the kids.  None of his adults kids are in healthy relationships or stable.  One is going through their own terrible divorce and he's in a horrific custody battle with a woman exactly like his mom.  [/quote]

No she isn’t.  Take your issues to your own thread and stop projecting them onto OP.  She is under no obligation to decorate her ex husband’s house.

—NP[/quote]

You don’t get it and that’s why you are divorced.  It’s not about him, it’s about the kids and supporting them.  This will have a long term impact on the kids and how you behave now the kids will model later on and that’s the point.  They will repeat this in their own lives.  If you love your kids, you do things you don’t want to for their sake.  [/quote]

OP and I love my kids, but I wasn’t asking “should” I furnish my STBX’s house. I was asking essentially if I’ll get in trouble for NOT stepping in and helping.

People are giving advice for “normal” coparenting relationships. Trust me, when a grown adult can’t even grasp that he needs to furnish a living space for his children yet sincerely believes he’ll get 100% custody, we are way out of the realm of normal.

Even if the standard expectation was that an almost-ex wife is responsible for running an almost-ex husband’s home life, which PP have made it abundantly clear that I’m not, that would still be moot because my STBX is explosively angry and threatening and doesn’t communicate except via his attorney, and even then it is challenging to get answers about even urgent and required parenting issues. I’m not going to be sending an email to his attorney and be like “little Larlo wants Love Shack Fancy sheets from PBK Teen in Double size, here’s the link.”

Thank you to the sensible people who gave me intelligent guidance on this thread. I hope 2026 is better for us all. [/quote]

He isn’t getting full custody.  Be real.  Do you have to?   No.   Will you get in trouble? No, of course not.  Is helping because it benefits your child a good idea, yes.  And, if you want to cleanly win, be smart about it.  You do it and tell the could you are concerned about him meeting their needs as you bought the furniture, bedding, decor, clothing and supplies per his demand, for the kids as he refused to do it.   Doing it will make you look like the bigger and more competent parent.  Refusing causes drama and feeding into his behavior but giving him something to fight about.

Set up a pottery barn, target, amazon wish list for the kids rooms and be done with it.  Then, if he doesn’t buy it, you say per his request I offered help and he did not follow through so no overnights till they have at least a bed, bedding, dresser, lamp, towels, hygiene and basic clothing.

Dear ex,

Here is a wishlist for the kids on my suggestions on what to buy.  I choose pottery barn as the furniture comes fully assembled so you just have to make the beds and organize.  [/quote]

The kids don’t even know which rooms are supposed to be theirs. I don’t know what this house even looks like. I can’t shop for dressers for an imaginary space. I’m on temporary financial orders and barely able to buy groceries and pay for extracurriculars. No amount of desire to play by the rules you’re suggesting is going to make a Pottery Barn wishlist, shopping spree, or unsolicited furniture delivery happen.

I’m imagining sending the email you’re suggesting just to see what angry $600/hour screed his attorney would write in response. Thanks for the laugh.[/quote]

I am confused.  It sounds like the kids haven't even had their first overnight, but you're judging him because the rooms aren't perfectly set up yet.  It's normal, when moving into a new space, to take time to make decorating decisions.  As long as there is a safe clean place for the kids to sleep, then you should be making an agreement for a regular schedule.  Kids need to kno what to expect, and not to carry the immense burden of deciding on a custody schedule.

I'm not saying that he is or isn't, in other ways, a terrible co-parent.  But this doesn't seem to be part of that.  Making a big deal about this is not going to help your case when it comes to things that count.  [/quote]

They haven’t had an overnight and he isn’t making any movement towards agreeing to a schedule with overnights. I believe he is overwhelmed by pretty much every aspect of parenting within the new framework of our family and relationship. So I posted my original post because I was wondering if, because he seems to be stuck, I have responsibility to help him get unstuck. The consensus is no, so we can all move on. I am not restricting any visits.[/quote]

I am skeptical that setting up the rooms would unstick him.  [b]Is he saying that the rooms not being set up is why he isn't agreeing to an arrangement?[/b]

If you do, at some point, agree to an agreement that has the kids spending the night, and you think that emotionally it would be better for the kids to have decorated bedrooms, I'd consider sending the bedding from your house, presuming it isn't brand new, and let the kids pick out something they love for your house.  I wouldn't present it as "Oh this is for daddy", just "Let's pick something new!"   "Oh look, we have these older things, would you want to take them to Dad's and use them there?"

But I wouldn't do that for the sake of custody or to help my ex.  Only if I thought it would make the children more comfortable.  [/quote]

He’s not even saying that. He’s just ignoring the situation and any legal questions that come up around it.[/quote]

I am the PP here.  I totally understand the anxiety, and the desire to do everything you can to make sure you continue to be primary parent and keep your kids safe.

But it doesn't sound like your kids want to stay there, and it doesn't sound like your STBX wants them there, at least not now.  What is making you feel like you should facilitate them staying there?  [/quote]

Mostly fear that he will say in court that I am not allowing him to see the kids and that it would somehow be believed and twisted into me losing custody?[/quote]

The reach out and tell him you’d like a consistent schedule so you can plan for activities and friends.  Ask him what schedule would work best for him and negotiate from there.  [/quote]

We have a consistent schedule from before he rented a place. He has not replied to requests to update this schedule that would include more or overnight time.  It seems clear this schedule is what “works best for him.”[/quote]

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