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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is OP. Maybe it is right that I need to focus my emotions on getting past this. Not on burning his world down. I am struggling with how angry I feel. His GF is not younger, she is a colleague of his that I have never met who also has grown kids and is divorced. And I don’t know when they started their thing. I know they have been “friends” for years. But it’s possible that nothing sexual happened until after our separation. I don’t know. I want to hate her, even though I know this is not really her “fault.”   I’ve seen her picture on the company website and she is attractive and really successful. I feel like all the beautiful people are getting together and I’m being left behind. Like i have failed to be interesting enough or pretty enough or successful enough. 
And it makes me want to make them feel as miserable as I do.

The truth is, he is not completely wrong, I was probably not giving the marriage my all. I got impatient with him when he tried to talk to me about being unhappy. He said he didn’t want therapy but I never asked him why, I just was mad at him. Maybe there are ways I took him for granted. And made it hard for him to feel like he could work things through with me. Maybe I was being blind.

I feel so hurt and rejected. And stupid. Like I was living in one world and he was living in another. I feel so ashamed of myself for not noticing that my world was not what i thought. And hating on him and his new gf is easier than asking myself if part of this is my fault too.

I know I can’t make him want to be with me if he just doesn’t. And I know I should not want to be with someone who was unhappy with me. I just still feel sick about it.

Thank you for letting me vent, DCUM. [/quote]

All of these feelings are totally, totally normal.

Your anger is a catalyst to help you change your life.

Just remember that finding fault with yourself can be a coping mechanism designed to make you feel in control when, in fact, you are not able to control what other people do. The truth is that sometimes marriages end. Sometimes people have midlife crises or affairs. Sometimes people become addicts. Sometimes people suffer brain injuries. All sorts of things can happen, and marriages end. It doesn't mean that you brought it on yourself. Other people can be unpredictable and so loving other people always opens us up to the possibility of hurt, not least of all because each of us will die one day.

I was heartbroken when my stbx blindsided me with a separation (and, by his own admission, started sleeping with his new girlfriend one week after last sleeping with me, if we can believe him). I felt like you do. But I'll be damned if I'll pine after someone who doesn't want me. So I shifted my focus. I carried my sorrows tenderly and released them. I raged and cried. I let friends comfort me. I began to remember who I am, and why I am lovely, and I began to see how much better my life is away from the selfish, chaotic flaming dumpster fire that is my soon-to-be ex-husband.[/quote]

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