PSA-Hoco season

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has several good friends who all want in their Hoco group. But there is one mean girl who doesn’t and she is the queen bee. The other girls are afraid to stand up to her. That girl is a horrible person and so are her parents for being checked out, or worse, condoning her behavior.

Why do we pretend people like this don’t exist, or don’t behave this way intentionally?

That's when you talk to your child about the Queen Bee isn't actually her friend.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Can anyone explain why my post keeps getting deleted? All I said was land the helicopter. Help your daughter get a backbone and encourage her to be the one asking about plans rather than waiting to be asked.

And all we are saying is that it is ok to remind your kid to have some self-awareness as they make plans that their friend might need a hand in feeling included. Sheesh. Both can be true!

Who is we? And I’m sorry, but no. It’s not anyone’s job to make your daughter feel included. This is a you (or your daughter’s) problem.

This explains so much about teen girls, their mommies are huge B--ches.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can anyone explain why my post keeps getting deleted? All I said was land the helicopter. Help your daughter get a backbone and encourage her to be the one asking about plans rather than waiting to be asked.

And all we are saying is that it is ok to remind your kid to have some self-awareness as they make plans that their friend might need a hand in feeling included. Sheesh. Both can be true!

Who is we? And I’m sorry, but no. It’s not anyone’s job to make your daughter feel included. This is a you (or your daughter’s) problem.

This explains so much about teen girls, their mommies are huge B--ches.

+1

Yep, the gatekeeping (and denial of said gatekeeping) runs very very deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents, please remind your kids to be inclusive as they make HoCo plans. DD has friends but is exceptionally shy and I can see her getting left out of Hoco plans by her own friends as they make their own plans. Remind your kids to reach out (and not assume their friends have other plans).

I love these epic Heaukeaux threads. Thank gawd my kids would rather focus on their non-school activities than get caught up in all this drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you tell your daughter to ask her friends what the plan is? Don’t just wait for others to invite.

I don't know about OP but mine has extreme social anxiety, she's working on it with her therapist, and these girls ARE her friends, but she literally can't ask them things like this without panicking, thank goodness her friends are all kind, sweet girls, with kind, sweet parents who know this about her and try to include her in things. I hope your child is nicer and more inclusive than you are.

In the long run, that’s not necessarily helpful. She really needs to practice asking. She can’t always depend on other people‘s mommies reminding them to ask. I’m not saying this is a mean girl mom I have a son who gets left out occasionally because he does not initiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this has to be a PSA every fall. Do these kids not think about making friends the rest of the year? If they made more of an effort they wouldn't have to resort to their moms making a desperate plea to not exclude. Where were these lonely kids over the summer? Did they reach out and make plans? Did they try to connect last spring? You can't just show up one time for hoco and then go back and hide under your shell. Friendship goes both ways.

Maybe they tried and were not successful or only starting to develop relationships

[Anonymous]

Disclaimer: My kids don't go to a school with hoco I didn't attend such a school either. That aside, why do so many UMC parents try to relieve their own hoco through their children by planing these elaborate ceremonies? Renting a party bus??? Deciding whose house to meet at for pictures??? Excluding kids on purpose??? What do the adults get out of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OHHH I have one!

"Parents, please remind your kids"... to wear dresses that cover their bottoms!

How's that?

Oh here come the hand-wringing boy moms who hate the dresses!

I teach my girls how to respect themselves which mean they don't show their privates at "HOco" but you do you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get why this has to be a PSA every fall. Do these kids not think about making friends the rest of the year? If they made more of an effort they wouldn't have to resort to their moms making a desperate plea to not exclude. Where were these lonely kids over the summer? Did they reach out and make plans? Did they try to connect last spring? You can't just show up one time for hoco and then go back and hide under your shell. Friendship goes both ways.

Maybe they tried and were not successful or only starting to develop relationships

So maybe mom can just make plans with her daughter and do something else that night if it’s all just too much or too hard. I never went to homecoming and didn’t even care. This seems manufactured like the parent wants the kid to go so she can get the photos for herself. It’s really not that big of a deal. Go out of town for the weekend and plan something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disclaimer: My kids don't go to a school with hoco I didn't attend such a school either. That aside, why do so many UMC parents try to relieve their own hoco through their children by planing these elaborate ceremonies? Renting a party bus??? Deciding whose house to meet at for pictures??? Excluding kids on purpose??? What do the adults get out of this?

I don’t think they are all ganging up on one kid to exclude but that kid it so far out on the fringe that they are out of sight and out of mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How about you tell your daughter to ask her friends what the plan is? Don’t just wait for others to invite.

I don't know about OP but mine has extreme social anxiety, she's working on it with her therapist, and these girls ARE her friends, but she literally can't ask them things like this without panicking, thank goodness her friends are all kind, sweet girls, with kind, sweet parents who know this about her and try to include her in things. I hope your child is nicer and more inclusive than you are.

In the long run, that’s not necessarily helpful. She really needs to practice asking. She can’t always depend on other people‘s mommies reminding them to ask. I’m not saying this is a mean girl mom I have a son who gets left out occasionally because he does not initiate.

I have a kid who asks. Often the person who she asks is fine with it (and that person is her friend) but there is a mean kid in charge that that friend is scared of. And I'm not saying my child is the only child left out. The attitude of the "more the merrier" is not true with some kids. The exclusivity is the whole point and the moms pretending otherwise are dumb or complicit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Disclaimer: My kids don't go to a school with hoco I didn't attend such a school either. That aside, why do so many UMC parents try to relieve their own hoco through their children by planing these elaborate ceremonies? Renting a party bus??? Deciding whose house to meet at for pictures??? Excluding kids on purpose??? What do the adults get out of this?

They derive some social status via their kid or at least think they do. Many adults are very invested in their kid being “popular” or “cool” and really enjoy it when they are.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How about she initiates, OP? It's a skill. A skill required that everyone needs to work on to improve.

DP here. Many of us have tried, repeatedly. The Queen Bee’s have such a death grip that the other kids are scared to defect from her group, even if they don’t like her.

I have not known many groups where there is a Queen Bee. Surely your daughter could find a different group.

Then you aren't paying attention or are very lucky. That' doesn't make your experience universal.

What is so hard about reminding kids to be inclusive? Why does that offend you so?

It doesn’t offend me but I don’t think it’s helpful. Everyone needs to find the place where they fit in. A pity invite doesn’t translate int friendship and frankly I think it’s kind of embarrassing. I can’t imagine kids actually accept them. And if they do I can’t imagine they actually have fun.

If kids are really struggling, they need to try some clubs, a church youth group, a sport or something where they can actually find their community.

Some kids have friends but not a group! Why is this so hard to understand? Not all kids are the same. My own DD's best friend didn't ask her what she was doing for HOCO last year; they simply did their own thing with different people because it was easier than initiating.

Then why don’t they ask their friends to go if they have friends. I really don’t get that. If it’s such a big deal that they would even want to go, they need to talk about it so people know they are interested.

Since you seem really dense, this is how those conversations go.

"Sarah, I'm looking for a group to go to homecoming with. Would you want to go in a group with me?"

"Sorry, I'm going with XYZ friends and the group is too big so we aren't letting anyone else join."

Where "too big" is code for someone in the group decided it was only for people she approved of.

In a million years I don’t believe this conversation ever happens. And why do they need to go in a group? Lots of kids just go with another friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No.

Wow, really? My daughter is also very shy and gets left out of a lot of things even though she sits with the same group at lunch and they happily come over when she invites them. She's just quiet and they forget about her, so I would appreciate it if a mom was like "oh, what about E?"

Exactly this!!! That is my DD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Disclaimer: My kids don't go to a school with hoco I didn't attend such a school either. That aside, why do so many UMC parents try to relieve their own hoco through their children by planing these elaborate ceremonies? Renting a party bus??? Deciding whose house to meet at for pictures??? Excluding kids on purpose??? What do the adults get out of this?

They derive some social status via their kid or at least think they do. Many adults are very invested in their kid being “popular” or “cool” and really enjoy it when they are.

Agree. I think this is from women who peaked in high school devastated that they have a kid totally unlike them, or more like a Carrie revenge and they don’t want their kid to be an outsider like they were and are desperate for popularity. Just let the kids be themselves, they probably don’t care as much as the kids think they do. It’s social media driven.