PSA-Hoco season

[Anonymous]

Wow. As a senior, my son only went to homecoming one out of the past three years. I cannot imagine worrying about this before labor day or posting about it on DCUM. The reality is that my son is shy and introverted and only has a few good friends (he has many more acquaintances through a club that he is very involved in). He's a great person, but he's not going to get invited to every dance and or social event due to his introversion, and that is ok. It's fine not to be the life of the party and it is fine not to get invited to every event.

[Anonymous]

Please stop projecting your social anxiety on your child about things that may or may not come to pass and that she may or may not be concerned about even if they happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As a senior, my son only went to homecoming one out of the past three years. I cannot imagine worrying about this before labor day or posting about it on DCUM. The reality is that my son is shy and introverted and only has a few good friends (he has many more acquaintances through a club that he is very involved in). He's a great person, but he's not going to get invited to every dance and or social event due to his introversion, and that is ok. It's fine not to be the life of the party and it is fine not to get invited to every event.

You have one child, a boy, who is shy. So that’s why you can’t understand this and/or he doesn’t care about it. Some kids care a lot. Not all kids are like your kid.

[Anonymous]

Op I would caution you that if your kid’s friends don’t think to reach out it’s very possible it’s not due to their mom’s not trying to encourage thoughtfulness and inclusivity.

It’s also not necessarily bc they are mean or inconsiderate-you are talking abt out 14 year old girls who have loads of their own anxieties and social ineptitude they are preoccupied with even if they happen to have plans for hoco.

(“Ava will be mad if I invite more people bc she wanted to all drive together” or “I am only barely included in this group!” Or not even thinking abt anyone else’s plans and concentrating only on if their face will clear up before then.)

I’m saying that not because it’s wrong for you to worry or want other kids to go the extra mile gor yours but because you can be more helpful to your daughter by making sure that she also knows that if she’s not invited it’s not because people don’t like her (and that everyone has their own stuff going on.)

[Anonymous]

Wow. As a senior, my son only went to homecoming one out of the past three years. I cannot imagine worrying about this before labor day or posting about it on DCUM. The reality is that my son is shy and introverted and only has a few good friends (he has many more acquaintances through a club that he is very involved in). He's a great person, but he's not going to get invited to every dance and or social event due to his introversion, and that is ok. It's fine not to be the life of the party and it is fine not to get invited to every event.


You have one child, a boy, who is shy. So that’s why you can’t understand this and/or he doesn’t care about it. Some kids care a lot. Not all kids are like your kid.

Maybe, but based on your response and this post, I also think part of it is that I don't get as overinvolved even if he feels some disappointment.

[Anonymous]

DD has many friends but doesn't have a "friend group" so unless she asks to be included in one of her friends "friend group", she very well could get left out.

I sincerely don't see a problem with making sure your kids have asked their friends if they have plans. Some of these kids are still 14 and 15 and need help with social grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid who is not super social either and doesn't make plans.

I wouldn't ask other parents to remind their kids to include. I will remind my kid that if they want to do something for Homecoming they have have to initiate plans themself or talk to other proactively!

Don't put this on other people and don't make this about parents when you're talking about high schoolers. Use this as an opportuity to talk to your almost adult child about relationships and risks.

+1 Both my kids have been left out. They know how it feels, and I have told them that sometimes they have to be the ones to reach out. That's very hard for them to do, I know, but mommies shouldn't be social engineering their kids' friendships at this point.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with a general statement to your children to be kind to people, but that doesn't mean that they have to invite everyone to their hoco group.

At this point, your kid really needs to figure out their social situation. Please tell me you the mommy aren't going to be calling the college about your kid's social issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid who is not super social either and doesn't make plans.

I wouldn't ask other parents to remind their kids to include. I will remind my kid that if they want to do something for Homecoming they have have to initiate plans themself or talk to other proactively!

Don't put this on other people and don't make this about parents when you're talking about high schoolers. Use this as an opportuity to talk to your almost adult child about relationships and risks.

+1 Both my kids have been left out. They know how it feels, and I have told them that sometimes they have to be the ones to reach out. That's very hard for them to do, I know, but mommies shouldn't be social engineering their kids' friendships at this point.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with a general statement to your children to be kind to people, but that doesn't mean that they have to invite everyone to their hoco group.

At this point, your kid really needs to figure out their social situation. Please tell me you the mommy aren't going to be calling the college about your kid's social issues.

Big, HUGE, difference between 14yr olds and college kids. This is our time to teach them to do better. Kids aren't typically known for kindness or even social awareness. Someone's inaction could be deeply hurting to another kid. As a parent, it doesn't hurt to ask "what's A doing for HOCO? If A doesn't have plans, make sure they're included". (especially if A is a known friend).

[Anonymous]

OHHH I have one!

"Parents, please remind your kids"... to wear dresses that cover their bottoms!

How's that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OHHH I have one!

"Parents, please remind your kids"... to wear dresses that cover their bottoms!

How's that?

Oh here come the hand-wringing boy moms who hate the dresses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid who is not super social either and doesn't make plans.

I wouldn't ask other parents to remind their kids to include. I will remind my kid that if they want to do something for Homecoming they have have to initiate plans themself or talk to other proactively!

Don't put this on other people and don't make this about parents when you're talking about high schoolers. Use this as an opportuity to talk to your almost adult child about relationships and risks.

+1 Both my kids have been left out. They know how it feels, and I have told them that sometimes they have to be the ones to reach out. That's very hard for them to do, I know, but mommies shouldn't be social engineering their kids' friendships at this point.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with a general statement to your children to be kind to people, but that doesn't mean that they have to invite everyone to their hoco group.

At this point, your kid really needs to figure out their social situation. Please tell me you the mommy aren't going to be calling the college about your kid's social issues.

Big, HUGE, difference between 14yr olds and college kids. This is our time to teach them to do better. Kids aren't typically known for kindness or even social awareness. Someone's inaction could be deeply hurting to another kid. As a parent, it doesn't hurt to ask "what's A doing for HOCO? If A doesn't have plans, make sure they're included". (especially if A is a known friend).

It may not hurt to ask but I guarantee your HSer won't appreciate mommy trying to social engineer.

FWIW, I have spoken to my kids a lot about not leaving people out because they know what it feels like but the response I usually get is, "they can figure out their own group".

Now is the time for your HSer to start figuring out social situations. I feel for them; I really do. Like I said, my kids have gone though these situations -- they are now a senior in HS and in college. But, HS kids generally don't listen to their parents about friend groups. Your kid needs to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OHHH I have one!

"Parents, please remind your kids"... to wear dresses that cover their bottoms!

How's that?

Oh here come the hand-wringing boy moms who hate the dresses!

I'm a mom of a boy and a girl (17 and 20 yr olds), and I hate those revealing dresses. It's trashy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OHHH I have one!

"Parents, please remind your kids"... to wear dresses that cover their bottoms!

How's that?

Oh here come the hand-wringing boy moms who hate the dresses!

I have a teen girl. The dresses are trash box.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid who is not super social either and doesn't make plans.

I wouldn't ask other parents to remind their kids to include. I will remind my kid that if they want to do something for Homecoming they have have to initiate plans themself or talk to other proactively!

Don't put this on other people and don't make this about parents when you're talking about high schoolers. Use this as an opportuity to talk to your almost adult child about relationships and risks.

+1 Both my kids have been left out. They know how it feels, and I have told them that sometimes they have to be the ones to reach out. That's very hard for them to do, I know, but mommies shouldn't be social engineering their kids' friendships at this point.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with a general statement to your children to be kind to people, but that doesn't mean that they have to invite everyone to their hoco group.

At this point, your kid really needs to figure out their social situation. Please tell me you the mommy aren't going to be calling the college about your kid's social issues.

I was the quiet kid who sometimes was left out. And I agree with this. Op, sure it's always nice to encourage inclusivity but them not doing it doesn't mean it's not being taught. 14 year olds have their own feelings and thoughts they may assume your daughter has her own plans. And you are not doing her any favors by teaching her it's other's responsibilities to plan her social life and if she's not included people have bad intentions.
Encourage her to speak up. And to the person who mentioned it waiting to college isn't helpful now is the time to practice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has many friends but doesn't have a "friend group" so unless she asks to be included in one of her friends "friend group", she very well could get left out.

I sincerely don't see a problem with making sure your kids have asked their friends if they have plans. Some of these kids are still 14 and 15 and need help with social grace.

I’m not sure that this is what people are talking about. What you are describing is pretty typical conversation - discussing whether you’re going and with whom and when someone mentions they are thinking about it but don’t have anyone to go with, an invite to join happens.

The only time I didn’t see that was the year my DD’s sports team had an event and they all went to one place to get ready and go together. It would have been pretty awkward for a non team member to show up for the get ready, but pretty normal to catch up at the dance.