Husbands - low value

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People age differently. Some people were always duds and continue to be duds. Some people have health problems.

I’m in my late forties. I don’t keep track of which part of the couple is doing better. In our circles, the men do better professionally.

Some people age poorly. I have one friend who seems to be getting better with age (plastic surgery, nutrition, self care) while her husband is withering away. When we first met them, the guy was probably more physically fit and attractive. He definitely seems like a low value man now not working, having health problems, not as sharp, etc. Once upon a time, he paid for all their bills while she was a SAHM of their two kids, was very muscular and super social. I wonder if my hot getting better with age friend will dump her husband. They were very much in love when they first got married. He seem like dead weight now.

OP is being quite shallow. I think there are many more men who have wives who may have mommy tracked or stayed home with kids than vice versa. It seems less about careers and more about family and compatibility. I have seen more competent women dump their husbands than husbands who keep their older wives.

You sound shallow too if you think a man who supported his wife for years but now can’t and has health problem is “dead weight.”

Isn’t that what the OP is about? Competent women who have less than husbands. I’m saying people age differently so they may not have started like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People age differently. Some people were always duds and continue to be duds. Some people have health problems.

I’m in my late forties. I don’t keep track of which part of the couple is doing better. In our circles, the men do better professionally.

Some people age poorly. I have one friend who seems to be getting better with age (plastic surgery, nutrition, self care) while her husband is withering away. When we first met them, the guy was probably more physically fit and attractive. He definitely seems like a low value man now not working, having health problems, not as sharp, etc. Once upon a time, he paid for all their bills while she was a SAHM of their two kids, was very muscular and super social. I wonder if my hot getting better with age friend will dump her husband. They were very much in love when they first got married. He seem like dead weight now.

OP is being quite shallow. I think there are many more men who have wives who may have mommy tracked or stayed home with kids than vice versa. It seems less about careers and more about family and compatibility. I have seen more competent women dump their husbands than husbands who keep their older wives.

You sound shallow too if you think a man who supported his wife for years but now can’t and has health problem is “dead weight.”

Isn’t that what the OP is about? Competent women who have less than husbands. I’m saying people age differently so they may not have started like that

You said OP was shallow, but you (or your friend) were too if you think your friend might divorce because they’re aging differently?

[Anonymous]

How old are you OP? I'm wondering if this is a micro-generational thing (i.e. people a few years younger than me).

I'm mid-40s, and I got married at 31. We are dual-career, but for 15+ years DH's career took precedence as he was in a higher earning career...and I put a higher priority on time spent with kids when they were little. This is pretty common among the couples I graduated with etc.

DH has been less of a contributor around the house and with kids which has been a sore subject in the past, but it would be hard to honestly argue that he is "low value" to our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People age differently. Some people were always duds and continue to be duds. Some people have health problems.

I’m in my late forties. I don’t keep track of which part of the couple is doing better. In our circles, the men do better professionally.

Some people age poorly. I have one friend who seems to be getting better with age (plastic surgery, nutrition, self care) while her husband is withering away. When we first met them, the guy was probably more physically fit and attractive. He definitely seems like a low value man now not working, having health problems, not as sharp, etc. Once upon a time, he paid for all their bills while she was a SAHM of their two kids, was very muscular and super social. I wonder if my hot getting better with age friend will dump her husband. They were very much in love when they first got married. He seem like dead weight now.

OP is being quite shallow. I think there are many more men who have wives who may have mommy tracked or stayed home with kids than vice versa. It seems less about careers and more about family and compatibility. I have seen more competent women dump their husbands than husbands who keep their older wives.

You sound shallow too if you think a man who supported his wife for years but now can’t and has health problem is “dead weight.”

Isn’t that what the OP is about? Competent women who have less than husbands. I’m saying people age differently so they may not have started like that

You said OP was shallow, but you (or your friend) were too if you think your friend might divorce because they’re aging differently?

I have a relatively happy marriage and family.

We are surrounded by people who are unhappy, separating, divorced and newly single or newly married (second marriage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to have two go getters in one family - unless there are no children. The frequent dynamic is one goal getter and one default parent on what used to be called the mommy track.

That's a common way to keep family sane and marriage intact, at least for upper middle class.

[Anonymous]

Modern women keep looking for ways out of the marriage at every turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just met up with an old friend. The husband recently retired or got pushed out of his job. The wife is a high level executive. The wife was always demanding but now she just barks orders. The husband does most/all of the housework and shuffling kids around. I have a similar set up but I’m the wife. It didn’t look like a good look. I think it is the way she treated her husband that seemed so emasculating. I would not be surprised if they don’t make it as a couple. Wife is very engaging, beautiful and aggressive. They just seem like an off couple now. She is constantly surrounded by polished type A go getters.

She's lost respect for her husband. If she's a go-getter, and he's given up, then she probably has lost respect for him.

But what you stated about "emasculating" makes it seem like it's ok for the husband to order the wife around, but if the wife does it, then it's emasculating.

What do you call it when the husband orders the wife around?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s hard to have two go getters in one family - unless there are no children. The frequent dynamic is one goal getter and one default parent on what used to be called the mommy track.

Cool story! Long live the patriarch!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just met up with an old friend. The husband recently retired or got pushed out of his job. The wife is a high level executive. The wife was always demanding but now she just barks orders. The husband does most/all of the housework and shuffling kids around. I have a similar set up but I’m the wife. It didn’t look like a good look. I think it is the way she treated her husband that seemed so emasculating. I would not be surprised if they don’t make it as a couple. Wife is very engaging, beautiful and aggressive. They just seem like an off couple now. She is constantly surrounded by polished type A go getters.

Why can’t he proactively or actively figure out what needs to be done himself, and do it? Why does he need constant reminders? Especially for scheduled stuff.

At the office we put those types on PiP for 90 days and if they can’t get it together they’re fired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just met up with an old friend. The husband recently retired or got pushed out of his job. The wife is a high level executive. The wife was always demanding but now she just barks orders. The husband does most/all of the housework and shuffling kids around. I have a similar set up but I’m the wife. It didn’t look like a good look. I think it is the way she treated her husband that seemed so emasculating. I would not be surprised if they don’t make it as a couple. Wife is very engaging, beautiful and aggressive. They just seem like an off couple now. She is constantly surrounded by polished type A go getters.

Aren’t go-getter husbands always telling their SAHW what to do for the house, what time to leave, what time the kid game is, what the children need all day long? So top of mind! Good to have a backup who knows what’s up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People age differently. Some people were always duds and continue to be duds. Some people have health problems.

I’m in my late forties. I don’t keep track of which part of the couple is doing better. In our circles, the men do better professionally.

Some people age poorly. I have one friend who seems to be getting better with age (plastic surgery, nutrition, self care) while her husband is withering away. When we first met them, the guy was probably more physically fit and attractive. He definitely seems like a low value man now not working, having health problems, not as sharp, etc. Once upon a time, he paid for all their bills while she was a SAHM of their two kids, was very muscular and super social. I wonder if my hot getting better with age friend will dump her husband. They were very much in love when they first got married. He seem like dead weight now.

OP is being quite shallow. I think there are many more men who have wives who may have mommy tracked or stayed home with kids than vice versa. It seems less about careers and more about family and compatibility. I have seen more competent women dump their husbands than husbands who keep their older wives.

You sound shallow too if you think a man who supported his wife for years but now can’t and has health problem is “dead weight.”

Agree.

Aging is aging.

Being chronically under employed is not “aging,” even if still happening in one’s 50s & 60s.

Reminds me of how my aspergers BIL was suddenly called Alzheimer’s (undiagnosed formally) by the family at a later age despite behaving the same way he’d acted for decades. Convenient excuse for not treating the actual underlying issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you OP? I'm wondering if this is a micro-generational thing (i.e. people a few years younger than me).

I'm mid-40s, and I got married at 31. We are dual-career, but for 15+ years DH's career took precedence as he was in a higher earning career...and I put a higher priority on time spent with kids when they were little. This is pretty common among the couples I graduated with etc.

DH has been less of a contributor around the house and with kids which has been a sore subject in the past, but it would be hard to honestly argue that he is "low value" to our family.

Same. In fact, reading this thread makes me want to be extra nice to DH tonight. We have comparable educations and started our careers on a similar track, but something had to give, so I made more time for the kids, and he's been more career-focused.

You should be able to discern when you are dating if someone is hardworking, ambitious, and a go-getter. If they're not those things you are, then they are not partnership material. Women are rarely interested in carrying the weight of a lazy husband in a marriage. You also should not commit to someone who doesn't have shared values around finances, family, religion, and sex.

[Anonymous]

I observe this in my friend group (late 30s/early 40s) as well, and I honestly think this has to do with what men and women prioritize in relationships. Given options, men usually go for beautiful women, while women go for successful men. A lot of these funny, organized, go-getter type women are well-groomed but not particularly beautiful, which is why they're having to settle for mediocre men - and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just met up with an old friend. The husband recently retired or got pushed out of his job. The wife is a high level executive. The wife was always demanding but now she just barks orders. The husband does most/all of the housework and shuffling kids around. I have a similar set up but I’m the wife. It didn’t look like a good look. I think it is the way she treated her husband that seemed so emasculating. I would not be surprised if they don’t make it as a couple. Wife is very engaging, beautiful and aggressive. They just seem like an off couple now. She is constantly surrounded by polished type A go getters.

Aren’t go-getter husbands always telling their SAHW what to do for the house, what time to leave, what time the kid game is, what the children need all day long? So top of mind! Good to have a backup who knows what’s up.

Yes, I'm not a SAHM, and I still get this stuff from my go-getter DH. He tends toward controlling. I push back. No one is perfect. Pick what you will and won't accept in a partner.

[Anonymous]

+1 I'm in a line of work that doesn't pay a lot but is pretty meaningful. One thing I notice is that the men I work with tend to be married to women who are less attractive than they are but make more money.