Please give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really understand why you think he would see, value or respect what you do and contribute when you don't see, value or respect what he does and contributes. In every post you minimize or dismiss everything he does for the family.

You are the SAHP so yes most of the childcare and domestic work falls on you - that is your contribution to the family. His is all the financial responsiblity and ensuring the families needs are met. Yours is the hands on help. That is a traditional family model and traditional gender roles.

Neither of you wants to form any kind of connection with the other or meet the others needs. You went outside the marriage and cheated. You are both resentful and reactive.

There is no moral highground for you here. You want something from him that you aren't willing to give him yourself.

OP here.

They are his kids, too. Should he not have a role in helping to raise his own kids because 1950s gender roles say he doesn't need to?

I have said numerous times before, that I want to contribute financially to our home but he will not allow me to do so.

He dismisses the idea time and time again because he says I won't make enough for it to be worth it and it will take away from me raising our kids.

I can appreciate the work to get the paychecks, but why does that absolve him from being a parent?

Sounds like you're in a 1950's marriage

OP here.

Yes, it seems like it, which is why I was asking the PP why he gets a pass on child rearing his own kids.

Yes, I am a SAHM but why even on the weekends I'm still shouldering everything child related? The man doesn't even step up to make breakfast on the weekends so I can eat with the kids.

I always have to ask, and even then, he has to run out and do something like it's an emergency instead of helping me.

He doesn't believe in feeding our kids before he has his coffee/he's satisfied.

If I wait to get the kids going and he finally comes around, he doesn't know what to do and still has to ask me.

It's utterly exhausting. So I just end up continuing to do everything myself, even on the weekends.

Why.. why..

What you allow will become.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

OP here.

I am truly trying to understand how him taking care of his kids with basic stuff equates to me demanding things from him.

I didn't make our kids by myself?

Please help me understand how I am demanding when I ask for help (which isn't often, by the way)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

Y’all have obviously never dealt with a man like OP’s H. I have, I’m married to one.

Flirting won’t work. Sending nudes won’t work. Nothing works with a man who is absorbed in online life, who would prefer to chat with strangers he has never met than with his own wife and kids.

I could have worn lingerie and slid down a stripper pole, and my H would have just said “yea be right there in a sec” and 3 hours later, he’d still be online.

It’s the other way around - OP was receptive to the other guy because he showed her basic attention. Her H should have been doing that.

It’s also not at all enticing to sleep with a man who can’t even look at you and who forgets everything you say. OP is 100% right to not want to sleep with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop homeschooling!!!! You aren't suited to it and you are keeping your kids wallowing in that toxic environment with your ignorant idiot husband. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse.


Stop having kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You brought them into a toxic environment.

You knew what kind of idiot your husband was.

Most important job as a mother is to GIVE YOUR CHILDREN A GOOD FATHER!!

You have failed. Take charge and turn things around.

OP here.

No more kids, for sure.

I guess I was dumb and thought maybe he would change, but as time tells us, people rarely do, even when the stakes are high.

I am starting to believe there aren't many men out there who are actually good husbands and fathers. And even less who would want to be with a woman with multiple young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

If you want to be just as bad as him, you aren't. If you want to claim the high ground, you have to be the one who sucks less.

Either way, you're responsible for your behavior, which has been trash.

OP here.

Yes, I know, and have said many times I massively screwed up and it wasn't at all right. This is why I ended things years ago and have no intention of ever communicating with that person again.

What else can I actually do to make a difference aside from continuing to raise our kids and counseling??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.

[Anonymous]

If you tell him, you may find common experience in the fact that you have both carried on emotional affaire on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

Y’all have obviously never dealt with a man like OP’s H. I have, I’m married to one.

Flirting won’t work. Sending nudes won’t work. Nothing works with a man who is absorbed in online life, who would prefer to chat with strangers he has never met than with his own wife and kids.

I could have worn lingerie and slid down a stripper pole, and my H would have just said “yea be right there in a sec” and 3 hours later, he’d still be online.

It’s the other way around - OP was receptive to the other guy because he showed her basic attention. Her H should have been doing that.

It’s also not at all enticing to sleep with a man who can’t even look at you and who forgets everything you say. OP is 100% right to not want to sleep with that.

OP here.

Damn, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you know exactly how I feel and I empathize with you greatly.

My husband is the same way with time management. 10 minutes becomes 2 hours. It's always "I'll be right back" or "I'll only be 20 minutes."

Meanwhile he misses time with us and just seems to have no awareness and certainly no negative impact once he realizes his time estimates were once again off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop homeschooling!!!! You aren't suited to it and you are keeping your kids wallowing in that toxic environment with your ignorant idiot husband. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse.


Stop having kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You brought them into a toxic environment.

You knew what kind of idiot your husband was.

Most important job as a mother is to GIVE YOUR CHILDREN A GOOD FATHER!!

You have failed. Take charge and turn things around.

OP here.

No more kids, for sure.

I guess I was dumb and thought maybe he would change, but as time tells us, people rarely do, even when the stakes are high.

I am starting to believe there aren't many men out there who are actually good husbands and fathers. And even less who would want to be with a woman with multiple young kids.

Yeah. No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.

You have been given plenty of advice and you keep saying no to all the suggestions. Sounds like you enjoy being a victim and are here just to get sympathy and validation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.

And that way of thinking is your problem. You were thrilled to do it for your AP but it's a chore to do it for your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.

And that way of thinking is your problem. You were thrilled to do it for your AP but it's a chore to do it for your husband.

OP here.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that statement.

It's hard to want to feel sexy with someone who doesn't take the initiative with his kids and ignores his wife.

But hey, I suppose I can try..

[Anonymous]

OP, you seem to enjoy the blah, blah, blah.

Get over yourself. The nudes are way in the past. Stop ruminating on it, on everything. Stop analyzing. The marriage and duties established are what they are. Get use to it. Hire help. Go have sex with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stop homeschooling!!!! You aren't suited to it and you are keeping your kids wallowing in that toxic environment with your ignorant idiot husband. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse.


Stop having kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You brought them into a toxic environment.

You knew what kind of idiot your husband was.

Most important job as a mother is to GIVE YOUR CHILDREN A GOOD FATHER!!

You have failed. Take charge and turn things around.

OP here.

No more kids, for sure.

I guess I was dumb and thought maybe he would change, but as time tells us, people rarely do, even when the stakes are high.

I am starting to believe there aren't many men out there who are actually good husbands and fathers. And even less who would want to be with a woman with multiple young kids.

Yeah. No.

OP here.

If you are a good husband and father then I commend you. If you are the wife to one, I am overjoyed for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.

And that way of thinking is your problem. You were thrilled to do it for your AP but it's a chore to do it for your husband.

OP here.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that statement.

It's hard to want to feel sexy with someone who doesn't take the initiative with his kids and ignores his wife.

But hey, I suppose I can try..

It's the right thing to do. Both of you are waiting for the other person to go first. Go ahead and take the lead. Send him a sexy picture with a sexy note and see if you get a nice response. If you do then continue that behavior and you will continue to get what you need from him