Please give it to me straight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

[Anonymous]

oh my god, OP is the absolute worst. Suggesting that the only thing she's done wrong is have a sexting affair. Everything is her husband's fault. Absolutely exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

So it's OK to have an affair if your spouse is not following your rules for the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Do you think your marriage would be better if you flirted with your husband the same way you flirted with your AP? What if you sent nudes to your husband instead of your AP?
Do you think your husband checking out has anything to do with how you treat him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you think your marriage would be better if you flirted with your husband the same way you flirted with your AP? What if you sent nudes to your husband instead of your AP?
Do you think your husband checking out has anything to do with how you treat him?

OP here.

Possibly - but the problem is there's just no romantic desire anymore.

As mentioned multiple times, I ended everything almost 2 years ago, full stop. I have no idea what has been going on with the other person since that time. I have no intention of ever speaking with them again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

If he had an affair? Yes probably, and this board would fully validate your behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

[Anonymous]

Stop homeschooling!!!! You aren't suited to it and you are keeping your kids wallowing in that toxic environment with your ignorant idiot husband. You are perpetuating the cycle of abuse.


Stop having kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You brought them into a toxic environment.

You knew what kind of idiot your husband was.

Most important job as a mother is to GIVE YOUR CHILDREN A GOOD FATHER!!

You have failed. Take charge and turn things around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

If you want to be just as bad as him, you aren't. If you want to claim the high ground, you have to be the one who sucks less.

Either way, you're responsible for your behavior, which has been trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing