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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I made a terrible, terrible, terrible mistake years ago.

My husband and I have been together for a long time (20 years).

A few years ago, we moved to a different state. I was newly pregnant and at the time my husband started a new business venture which left him away from home a lot, on top of his normal day job.

With a young child and being pregnant, I felt very alone and like I was solo parenting.

I had expressed this numerous times to no avail. I felt ignored, unheard, and moved to the side.

I began chatting with a former co-worker. I knew he had a crush on me. It was an absolute cheap shot.

For a few months, things got heavy. We ended up sending each other nudes. I am horribly ashamed of this.

I admit that I enjoyed the attention. I wasn't getting noticed or helped by my husband (not excusing my poor behavior).

Years later we ended up returning back to where we moved from and on a few occasions we met up with one another.

We never ever did anything physical with each other when we were together.

For some reason I guess I thought it was still okay if nothing physical happened. I now know that it was still just as bad.

I haven't talked to this person in nearly 2 years - zero contact. I realized this was something I needed to do and to never talk with them again.

Fast forward to the present.

Husband and I now have two more children (one is a baby) and our relationship is still not good at all.

He is never really mentally present when he's with us. He is glued to his phone, chatting with co-workers or people on the Internet he's never actually met and probably never will.

Our kids ask him to play with them but he never does.

He works on his own hobby projects as he pleases while I parent all of our children 24/7. I take care of everything kid related. Medical appointments (scheduling and attending), meals, bedtime/teeth, bathing, schooling, nighttime duty with the baby, 1-1 time with our oldest).

I am always exhausted and usually fall asleep on the sofa in the middle of the day (when toddler and baby are napping) or shortly before bedtime.

I have continuously asked him to put down the phone when he is done wit his day job and to not message his co-workers that he was just talking with all day, but it hasn't happened yet.

I cry, beg, yell, but it doesn't make a difference.

I think he has anger issues because he yells at our kids pretty frequently and very quickly once he is around them, despite not being near them during the day.

Obviously we have no sex life. We barely embrace and are just roommates at this point.

As mentioned above, I am exhausted every single day which doesn't help.

I continue to feel ignored, minimized, invisible. Now I have more kids to parent alone and I feel sad much of the time and have cried in secret at times.

We fight often about child rearing, home responsibilities, money spending, etc.

He very severely lacks any sort of sensitivity with me and our kids.

He rarely looks at me when I'm speaking to him. I usually have to ask him to put down his phone so that he will even try to pay attention to what I'm saying.

He almost always forgets what I say to him. About everything. Children related or just something I told him (things that aren't meaningless).

He never seems to know what to do with our kids. He doesn't know what they like or dislike.

When I have to go out for any reason (previously it was a lot for prenatal appointments), the kids are typically not fed, diapers aren't changed, and our toddler is not put down for a nap until very late, almost pointless when it happens because they're awake at bedtime.

He wants sex but I have no interest in someone who doesn't even pay attention to me or have any sort of emotional connection.

I have said I want us to go to counseling but am always met with resistance.

We've been together for so long that it is hard to imagine us not being together, even though we are quite dysfunctional.

I know I messed up in a massive way and he didn't deserve that, despite how unhappy I've been.

At times I have wondered if we should just separate. I hate to think of our kids growing up with their parents not together.

Not to mention living in two different places and the logistical complications of such.

And the shame. Only one couple between my mother and father's side have ended in divorce. So it's basically not a thing in my family.

At the same time, I feel like I'm already doing everything for the kids by myself anyways..

And I don't want our kids to think this is at all normal.

Sometimes I want to fix things and sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.

All this to say, how do you know when it's time to make things work or end it?[/quote]

If you treated your husband as good as you treated your affair partner, your marriage would be great[/quote]

OP here.

Yes, I royally messed up. Not excusing my behavior, of course.

Our marriage was not well going into it and it is still bad nearly 2 years after I cut contact.

There are two of us in th marriage. Why am I expected to do things and he isn't?[/quote]

And you had more kids with him even though you were having an affair?[/quote]

OP here.

No, of course not.

My "rules" are simple - be mentally present when with your family. Help me raise our kids.

Really radical stuff, I know.

If I was the wife who ignored her kids and spouse, never talked to my husband about his day, yelled at our kids so frequently that they refer to me as the "mad parent," chat with co-workers and strangers every day instead of my spouse, rarely feed our kids, never bathe the kids, have basically no relationship with them because I just want to do my own thing, etc, would I also get a pass??[/quote]

You did ignore your husband when you were texting the other guy. You want to act like it's only his actions that have consequences and not your own.

[/quote]

OP here.

Sure, if that's what you'd like to extrapolate.

How do you explain why our relationship still sucks even though it ended years ago?[/quote]

Because you aren't treating him as good as you treated your AP. You are demanding things from him instead of treating him in a way that would make him want to do things for you.[/quote]

This! Put yourself together, take a nude picture and send it to your husband right now. Tell him you need it! Report back here with his response. I bet it will be positive and you will receive some of the attention and affection you have been missing[/quote]

OP here.

I may do that, but then if there is a response then it will feel pretty shallow to me.

It sucks to keep hearing as a woman who is ignored and insulted fairly frequently that I just have to deal with things and also unwillingly put myself out there to try and get noticed.[/quote]

And that way of thinking is your problem. You were thrilled to do it for your AP but it's a chore to do it for your husband. [/quote]

OP here.

Yeah, I'm not disagreeing with that statement.

It's hard to want to feel sexy with someone who doesn't take the initiative with his kids and ignores his wife.

But hey, I suppose I can try..[/quote]

It's the right thing to do. Both of you are waiting for the other person to go first. Go ahead and take the lead. Send him a sexy picture with a sexy note and see if you get a nice response. If you do then continue that behavior and you will continue to get what you need from him[/quote]

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