Wedding with kids question...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's totally fine to reach out to a cousin, if you're close, or to whoever you are close to (e.g. your aunt) and say "We're looking at flights, and just wanted to confirm that we shouldn't be bringing the kids. Is that right? We're fine either way, we just want to know."

+1

I have twins and I constantly get invitations to parties sent to my email address without names so I never know if one or both of them is invited. I always ask and I make it clear that it is fine if only one of them is, but after the first time I sent only the one in the class with the birthday child and the mom asked me why I hadn't sent the other one because of course they were both invited I just ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cousins kids not being invited seems rude to me especially when the grandparents are likely attending the wedding too. But I feel like more and more of these weddings are just photo ops for the bride and groom, rather than celebrating family.

Oh please - some of us have large families. I have 22 cousins on just one side. Once you add in their spouses or partners and kids, that would have been close to 100 people just there. There should be no blanket statements about who should or should not be invited. It’s all so dependent on the specifics of each wedding. Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited. It’s an invite, not a requirement. Just rsvp no if it doesn’t work for you.

“Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited.”

Why? You get to dictate your own actions, you don’t get to dictate people’s reactions to these actions.

I fully believe people have a right to invite who they want. But when they don’t invite the kids, I am not going to show up and I will be much less inclined to be close to them or bend over for favors in the future. They may not care about that and that’s fair enough.

You never attend a social event without your kids?! How bizarre.

Not one that I have to fly to and that all of my extended family (ie. potential overnight sitters) is also attending.

So just decline, who cares? You still don’t need the hurt feelings which is what you were responding to. Decline and move on.

DP. You really think that it’s fine for you to not care if someone comes to your wedding or not, but you still expect them to listen to your problems and bend over backwards to do you favors.

Of course! Not everyone can make the wedding, and that’s totally understandable. I didn’t disown people who didn’t attend my ceremony, why would I?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cousins kids not being invited seems rude to me especially when the grandparents are likely attending the wedding too. But I feel like more and more of these weddings are just photo ops for the bride and groom, rather than celebrating family.

Oh please - some of us have large families. I have 22 cousins on just one side. Once you add in their spouses or partners and kids, that would have been close to 100 people just there. There should be no blanket statements about who should or should not be invited. It’s all so dependent on the specifics of each wedding. Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited. It’s an invite, not a requirement. Just rsvp no if it doesn’t work for you.

“Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited.”

Why? You get to dictate your own actions, you don’t get to dictate people’s reactions to these actions.

I fully believe people have a right to invite who they want. But when they don’t invite the kids, I am not going to show up and I will be much less inclined to be close to them or bend over for favors in the future. They may not care about that and that’s fair enough.

You never attend a social event without your kids?! How bizarre.

Not one that I have to fly to and that all of my extended family (ie. potential overnight sitters) is also attending.

So just decline, who cares? You still don’t need the hurt feelings which is what you were responding to. Decline and move on.

DP. You really think that it’s fine for you to not care if someone comes to your wedding or not, but you still expect them to listen to your problems and bend over backwards to do you favors.

Of course! Not everyone can make the wedding, and that’s totally understandable. I didn’t disown people who didn’t attend my ceremony, why would I?

So someone who doesn’t bend over backwards to do you favors is disowned by you?

[Anonymous]

Their choice but they will definitely lose some guests by not inviting kids - some of the parents won't come either. But maybe that's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I decided to check their wedding website and found the answer!!! So maybe we will bring the kids after all and they can just skip the wedding. My oldest will be 14 so can babysit my youngest. Phew! Glad I read this before stressing any further.... thanks for all your responses!

While we love your little ones, please note this is an adults-only celebration. The only exceptions are the children of bridesmaids and groomsmen. We recognize that some of you will be traveling with your kids, so please know they are welcome to the weekend events leading up to the ceremony. If you need help finding babysitters in the area for Monday we are happy to help connect you with someone. Thank you for your understanding.

Please reach out if you have questions!

Honestly, that’s so selfish of them.

Honestly, that is so narcissistic of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM women need to understand that their children are not the Second Coming. No reason to get so offended when their kids aren’t invited to a wedding. Take advantage and have a good adult time. The whole world does not revolve around your children.

The bride and groom should really have said something to the OP or her teenager about it in person though. It sounds like they are pretty close and definitely talking about the wedding together. They threw an engagement party.
I get that a 14 year old girl isn’t the second coming, but she deserves better than to just not have her name on the invitation when it shows up.

Yes she does. They purposely avoided being honest in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM women need to understand that their children are not the Second Coming. No reason to get so offended when their kids aren’t invited to a wedding. Take advantage and have a good adult time. The whole world does not revolve around your children.

The bride and groom should really have said something to the OP or her teenager about it in person though. It sounds like they are pretty close and definitely talking about the wedding together. They threw an engagement party.
I get that a 14 year old girl isn’t the second coming, but she deserves better than to just not have her name on the invitation when it shows up.

Yes she does. They purposely avoided being honest in person.

I agree with this as well. Brides and grooms have visions of how they want their weddings to be, and that may not include kids. However, a wedding is a day , but a close family relationship will hopefully last a lifetime. If the OP and her family threw an engagement party, the least the bride or groom could do is communicate directly with the OP about why her teenagers aren't invited. I went through this years ago with my then-teenaged kids when my brother got married. The couple is free to plan the wedding of their dreams, but it would be nice to have a direct conversation about the decision to exclude an older child or teenager who has already been involved in celebrating the couple. If it's perfectly fine to exclude certain family members, then the couple should have no problem engaging in an adult conversation about that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cousins kids not being invited seems rude to me especially when the grandparents are likely attending the wedding too. But I feel like more and more of these weddings are just photo ops for the bride and groom, rather than celebrating family.

Oh please - some of us have large families. I have 22 cousins on just one side. Once you add in their spouses or partners and kids, that would have been close to 100 people just there. There should be no blanket statements about who should or should not be invited. It’s all so dependent on the specifics of each wedding. Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited. It’s an invite, not a requirement. Just rsvp no if it doesn’t work for you.

“Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited.”

Why? You get to dictate your own actions, you don’t get to dictate people’s reactions to these actions.

I fully believe people have a right to invite who they want. But when they don’t invite the kids, I am not going to show up and I will be much less inclined to be close to them or bend over for favors in the future. They may not care about that and that’s fair enough.

You never attend a social event without your kids?! How bizarre.

Not one that I have to fly to and that all of my extended family (ie. potential overnight sitters) is also attending.

So just decline, who cares? You still don’t need the hurt feelings which is what you were responding to. Decline and move on.

DP. You really think that it’s fine for you to not care if someone comes to your wedding or not, but you still expect them to listen to your problems and bend over backwards to do you favors.

Of course! Not everyone can make the wedding, and that’s totally understandable. I didn’t disown people who didn’t attend my ceremony, why would I?

So someone who doesn’t bend over backwards to do you favors is disowned by you?

Can you read? I said I didn’t disown anyone who didn’t attend. Where are you getting this from?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mayne if you ask they will include the kids. I had people add people to RSVP's and I managed to accommodate them. My wedding already included kids..There were about 12 kids in the 3-11 age range. The other "additions" were 5-6 people adding a date or a sibling. It was a little annoying, but later when I was a wedding guest I realized that weddings are a guaranteed happy event, and I understood why people wanted to come.

It can just be hard to see that when you are planning and thinking about $$.

If you asked me, I would have no problem saying no, and would never invite you to ANYTHING I hosted ever again.

People certainly do have a choice to end relationships over wedding planning..

That was not my choice because it's a wedding and it's supposed to be joyous. In the end adding 12-15 people did not break the bank when you consider the ridiculous cost of everything associated with a wedding.

It's cute how you seem incapable of fathoming that not everyone has unlimited budgets. Or that for some people, having children at their wedding ruins their joyous time.

It’s so short sighted though. hopefully their “joyous time” on one day makes up for the perhaps permanently weakened family connections cause by excluding kids that they were close to at one point. I mean OP threw them an engagement party! It’s the couple’s right to do what they want but these choices have consequences. They are clearly stating that family is not that important to them, so family will become more distanced and less connected.

This is such BS. You people are tiring. I doubt anyone cares if you cut them off because they didn't invite your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mayne if you ask they will include the kids. I had people add people to RSVP's and I managed to accommodate them. My wedding already included kids..There were about 12 kids in the 3-11 age range. The other "additions" were 5-6 people adding a date or a sibling. It was a little annoying, but later when I was a wedding guest I realized that weddings are a guaranteed happy event, and I understood why people wanted to come.

It can just be hard to see that when you are planning and thinking about $$.

If you asked me, I would have no problem saying no, and would never invite you to ANYTHING I hosted ever again.

People certainly do have a choice to end relationships over wedding planning..

That was not my choice because it's a wedding and it's supposed to be joyous. In the end adding 12-15 people did not break the bank when you consider the ridiculous cost of everything associated with a wedding.

It's cute how you seem incapable of fathoming that not everyone has unlimited budgets. Or that for some people, having children at their wedding ruins their joyous time.

I certainly did not have an unlimited budget. Adding 11-15 people costs about 1000-1200.. That is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of food, alcohol, photography, etc. I did not have a big wedding at all (85-90) and it still was about $25000. Most of it was the reception venue and alcohol. What I am saying is that considering most people in DC area easily drop $20k+ on a wedding, an extra $1200 is nothing. And I know exactly how much everything costs because I booked my own vendors, used my credit cards and paid it off myself. I am not in fantasy land about the cost of a wedding.

Plenty of weddings cost more than $200-250+ per person and many have limited space. Also once you allow one "cousin's kids" you have to allow all of them, which can mean 10-20+ additional kids. At a wedding where the Bride/Groom do NOT want kids.

So it's not another $1200, it could be significantly more, as well as IT IS NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. It's about not wanting kids under age X at their wedding. Their wedding, their choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mayne if you ask they will include the kids. I had people add people to RSVP's and I managed to accommodate them. My wedding already included kids..There were about 12 kids in the 3-11 age range. The other "additions" were 5-6 people adding a date or a sibling. It was a little annoying, but later when I was a wedding guest I realized that weddings are a guaranteed happy event, and I understood why people wanted to come.

It can just be hard to see that when you are planning and thinking about $$.

If you asked me, I would have no problem saying no, and would never invite you to ANYTHING I hosted ever again.

People certainly do have a choice to end relationships over wedding planning..

That was not my choice because it's a wedding and it's supposed to be joyous. In the end adding 12-15 people did not break the bank when you consider the ridiculous cost of everything associated with a wedding.

It's cute how you seem incapable of fathoming that not everyone has unlimited budgets. Or that for some people, having children at their wedding ruins their joyous time.

I certainly did not have an unlimited budget. Adding 11-15 people costs about 1000-1200.. That is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of food, alcohol, photography, etc. I did not have a big wedding at all (85-90) and it still was about $25000. Most of it was the reception venue and alcohol. What I am saying is that considering most people in DC area easily drop $20k+ on a wedding, an extra $1200 is nothing. And I know exactly how much everything costs because I booked my own vendors, used my credit cards and paid it off myself. I am not in fantasy land about the cost of a wedding.

I’m glad an extra $1200 isn’t a lot for you, but your assumptions about others, coupled with your nonchalance, are off putting.

Nonchalance? About what, the actual amount that I paid for my own wedding. That's a bizarre term in response to my description of expenses that I actually paid MYSELF.

DP: about the fact that you think $1200 is "not alot " for others. If it isn't for you, invite all the kids you want, in fact make it a toddler-fest if you want. But you don't get input on how others do their own weddings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cousins kids not being invited seems rude to me especially when the grandparents are likely attending the wedding too. But I feel like more and more of these weddings are just photo ops for the bride and groom, rather than celebrating family.

Oh please - some of us have large families. I have 22 cousins on just one side. Once you add in their spouses or partners and kids, that would have been close to 100 people just there. There should be no blanket statements about who should or should not be invited. It’s all so dependent on the specifics of each wedding. Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited. It’s an invite, not a requirement. Just rsvp no if it doesn’t work for you.

“Guests need to stop getting hurt feelings if their kids are not invited.”

Why? You get to dictate your own actions, you don’t get to dictate people’s reactions to these actions.

I fully believe people have a right to invite who they want. But when they don’t invite the kids, I am not going to show up and I will be much less inclined to be close to them or bend over for favors in the future. They may not care about that and that’s fair enough.

You never attend a social event without your kids?! How bizarre.

Not one that I have to fly to and that all of my extended family (ie. potential overnight sitters) is also attending.

How old are your kids? Because once they are 8-10+, I've always had friends/they've had friends who we could ask to take them for the weekend and we do the same swap another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's totally fine to reach out to a cousin, if you're close, or to whoever you are close to (e.g. your aunt) and say "We're looking at flights, and just wanted to confirm that we shouldn't be bringing the kids. Is that right? We're fine either way, we just want to know."

+1

I have twins and I constantly get invitations to parties sent to my email address without names so I never know if one or both of them is invited. I always ask and I make it clear that it is fine if only one of them is, but after the first time I sent only the one in the class with the birthday child and the mom asked me why I hadn't sent the other one because of course they were both invited I just ask.

Well that is completely different than a wedding invitation. And yes, you should ask, so that you send the kid(s) who is actually invited.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's totally fine to reach out to a cousin, if you're close, or to whoever you are close to (e.g. your aunt) and say "We're looking at flights, and just wanted to confirm that we shouldn't be bringing the kids. Is that right? We're fine either way, we just want to know."

+1

I have twins and I constantly get invitations to parties sent to my email address without names so I never know if one or both of them is invited. I always ask and I make it clear that it is fine if only one of them is, but after the first time I sent only the one in the class with the birthday child and the mom asked me why I hadn't sent the other one because of course they were both invited I just ask.

Well that is completely different than a wedding invitation. And yes, you should ask, so that you send the kid(s) who is actually invited.

Why? If you're going to say that there are formal rules for wedding invitations that don't exist for birthday parties, (1) you're wrong and (2) many (most?) people don't know the formal rules anyway, so errors exist in both realms. Welcome to the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DCUM women need to understand that their children are not the Second Coming. No reason to get so offended when their kids aren’t invited to a wedding. Take advantage and have a good adult time. The whole world does not revolve around your children.

The bride and groom should really have said something to the OP or her teenager about it in person though. It sounds like they are pretty close and definitely talking about the wedding together. They threw an engagement party.
I get that a 14 year old girl isn’t the second coming, but she deserves better than to just not have her name on the invitation when it shows up.

Yes she does. They purposely avoided being honest in person.

I agree with this as well. Brides and grooms have visions of how they want their weddings to be, and that may not include kids. However, a wedding is a day , but a close family relationship will hopefully last a lifetime. If the OP and her family threw an engagement party, the least the bride or groom could do is communicate directly with the OP about why her teenagers aren't invited. I went through this years ago with my then-teenaged kids when my brother got married. The couple is free to plan the wedding of their dreams, but it would be nice to have a direct conversation about the decision to exclude an older child or teenager who has already been involved in celebrating the couple. If it's perfectly fine to exclude certain family members, then the couple should have no problem engaging in an adult conversation about that decision.

I agree.