Husband suddenly not interested in being a parent or spouse

[Anonymous]

Has anyone managed to find a position of power in a situation like this without divorcing? I don’t mean repair the relationship, but just taking power through some way other than initiating separation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when is the last time you two had sex? How much sex in the last 6 - 12 months?

Once in the last two months.

I offer and he declines. He isn’t interested at all. I’m not the one declining.

He may feel like doing u is cheating on AP. Get out of denial, OP.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how often you've used this forum in the past, OP, but be aware that comments here will always skew VERY heavily in favor of "He's cheating." And people will assert with 100 percent certainty that they know your DH is cheating when they cannot know that. I am not saying he's not cheating. I'm saying that not every problem like you describe is automatically rooted in cheating. This site pushes a narrative that it's always, always cheating. Just know that, and consider other causes,once you rule cheating out.

[Anonymous]

He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how often you've used this forum in the past, OP, but be aware that comments here will always skew VERY heavily in favor of "He's cheating." And people will assert with 100 percent certainty that they know your DH is cheating when they cannot know that. I am not saying he's not cheating. I'm saying that not every problem like you describe is automatically rooted in cheating. This site pushes a narrative that it's always, always cheating. Just know that, and consider other causes,once you rule cheating out.

Plenty of people have suggested other reasons. But the details OP has given are also the classic symptoms of someone participating in or at least contemplating an affair, so it would be disingenuous to pretend otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

Cake-eating.

[Anonymous]

BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT, OP. We were married 15 years with two kids. He had a massive midlife crisis. He didn’t have an affair but did a lot of other cliche things. He went from being dutiful and on all the time to not giving a crap and talking about his new needs. He was extremely angry and hostile. Basically, under stress his childhood trauma and other issues came out, and he cracked.

I agree that you need to mentally prepare for divorce. Get a lawyer and a therapist. He is no longer your partner. We wasted time with several couples therapists and though I wouldn’t have done it differently (had to feel I tried everything) it was pointless.

My theory is that he was always pretty self centered and for a short time identified his “self” with having a family/ being a husband, but when he realized it really involved un-selfing and being there for others he couldn’t hold it together.

We had other issues, too. He had been in therapy for years with anxiety/OCD/ attachment issues. Big jealousy about my career and friends. I think he never grew up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

I told my ex that he could leave and I meant it. And I didn’t say it in a shrill historical tone. I sat him down, and I said sometimes feelings in relationships change. You may decide you want another choice in your life, but I also need to understand the situation so I can make my own choices. I think you are seeing someone else and it is not fair to make me live this way. I will be fine and we can separate. But I need to understand what’s happening here.

He lied through his teeth until I found the text messages.

I don’t know OP. Why do they do this? It’s one thing to have the affair, it’s another to deny someone else choices in life while they explore whatever fantasy is happening. It was a level of selfishness that made me understand that no matter what happened, he’d leave if things got too tough (me getting sick later in life for example). I could have recovered from the affair. The willingness to keep me in a painful place while he continued the affair was as another story. I left, and to this day he asks me to come back. Some people truly cannot comprehend that some mistakes can’t be undone.

Yes. I’ve been incredibly calm when sitting him down and discussing divorce.

I’ve told him I understand. I love him but what’s happening now doesn’t work. I need him in a better space so he can be a present parent. He goes on and on about how much he loves me and everything is fine and then nothing changes. He gets more angry and distant from me. He pushes the kids away.

I stopped trying to connect. Every attempt is met with contempt.

But I do want him to treat our children with decency. If he needs to be in another relationship to do that so be it.

I have a great paying job. Wonderful friends. Close & supportive friends and will be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex did this the entire marriage. No affair. The irony is he is the one who forced the kids issue when we agreed not to have kids. Some people are not family people. I am introverted and like being alone. I cannot wait until kids are adults. I don’t have the luxury of checking out

He was an amazing father until early January. Every week if worse than the other.

He is a totally different person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give him a break. Maybe he overdid it and now has nothing left to give plus midlife crisis.
The kids should be older; time for some independence.
My ex overdid it, but it was his choice and he had similar upbringing. He expected it from me also, but I could never measure up according to him. We are from very different cultures. Mine is all about independence and his is all about family.
As he pushed me aside as useless, I just left. He fell apart soon after. I guess family wasn't enough. Balance would have been nice.
Something wrong with his brain was also one of our thoughts at the end. Coroner said nothing about it though.

My kids are 4, 7 & 9. They need their dad. I can manage. They need two living attentive parents.

Stop focusing on ideals and things/people that you can’t control, OP. Waste of time and energy and just traumatized kids more.

Yes why do you think they need him OP? One loving attentive parent is usually enough to provide a good outcome, but curious if there are relationship dynamics or behavior you’ve observed or logistics?

(From someone who has been there, done that, and got the t-shirt)

I don’t. My kids do.

I’m more than willing to divorce him if he isn’t willing to make changes. It’s only been 6 weeks. I want to give him a chance I guess?

I’m just shell shocked by it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's not going to start the divorce process because he has no reason to. If he's having an affair, he's probably not at a point where he's thinking about being in a serious relationship with her. Divorce is expensive. He'd have to find a new place to live. He'd have to pay child support for 3 kids. He'd have to have some form of custody for 3 kids that he doesn't want to be involved with right now (likely because they make him feel guilty for the affair as they are a reminder of your marriage and what he's doing to his family). Right now, he has the best of both worlds. He can keep doing whatever he wants with no consequences.

I feel like this is it.

And he knows I’m desperate to keep things normal for the kids so continues to do whatever he wants.

If I push for divorce I’m the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

If it were me, I would start videoing some of the interactions with the kids, splice them with videos of before, and sit him down to watch them and be like what's going on here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really rather him just leave me.

He probably is having an affair despite denying it. I just don’t get it.

He can go and be happy with wherever. I’ll be fine.

But he cannot do this to our kids. This is the man who would turn down buddy trips to take his kids camping.

Who is this man?

I told my ex that he could leave and I meant it. And I didn’t say it in a shrill historical tone. I sat him down, and I said sometimes feelings in relationships change. You may decide you want another choice in your life, but I also need to understand the situation so I can make my own choices. I think you are seeing someone else and it is not fair to make me live this way. I will be fine and we can separate. But I need to understand what’s happening here.

He lied through his teeth until I found the text messages.

I don’t know OP. Why do they do this? It’s one thing to have the affair, it’s another to deny someone else choices in life while they explore whatever fantasy is happening. It was a level of selfishness that made me understand that no matter what happened, he’d leave if things got too tough (me getting sick later in life for example). I could have recovered from the affair. The willingness to keep me in a painful place while he continued the affair was as another story. I left, and to this day he asks me to come back. Some people truly cannot comprehend that some mistakes can’t be undone.

Yes. I’ve been incredibly calm when sitting him down and discussing divorce.

I’ve told him I understand. I love him but what’s happening now doesn’t work. I need him in a better space so he can be a present parent. He goes on and on about how much he loves me and everything is fine and then nothing changes. He gets more angry and distant from me. He pushes the kids away.

I stopped trying to connect. Every attempt is met with contempt.

But I do want him to treat our children with decency. If he needs to be in another relationship to do that so be it.

I have a great paying job. Wonderful friends. Close & supportive friends and will be fine.

YOU HAVE ZERO CONTROL OVER HIS PARENTING

Your intense focus on it is also harming your kids.

Drop the rope and get a lawyer. Model resilience for kids. People don’t always give us what we want.

Show them fine. Stop chasing this asshat and empowering his behavior. Just move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when is the last time you two had sex? How much sex in the last 6 - 12 months?

Once in the last two months.

I offer and he declines. He isn’t interested at all. I’m not the one declining.

He may feel like doing u is cheating on AP. Get out of denial, OP.

I’m not in denial. I’m very aware he could be cheating.