Once in a lifetime job opportunity but DS with SN

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The only thing that would give me pause is that Downs is almost non existent in Scandinavia. Iceland being the most extreme. You may have people questioning your choices in uncomfortable ways and fewer professionals with experience. But hopefully such occurrences would be rare and balanced by the otherwise accepting environment.

I would go for it since it is temporary and you wouldn’t be giving up a job to do it, but try to connect with some special needs locals if possible

I was coming here to say this. There was an interesting article in the Atlantic in 2020 on the topic. Made it seem like you’d be a real outsider if your kid had DS—only 18 babies total in 2019 in Denmark had DS. I’d make really sure that the services my child had access to aren’t in the dark ages and embrace your child.

I almost got a job in France and as I was doing the final interview I did a ton of research about ASD in France because my DD who was 2.5 was diagnosed—she was verbal and bright but certainly quirky with communication challenges (and actually now at 5 hardly has an IEP or much services but is definitely on the spectrum).

France didn’t seem like a great place for ASD, and honestly gave my husband and I pause as we considered things. I would have gotten a TON of support from the org I was considering, but I wasn’t clear about quality and whether they’d embrace her neurodiversity. Surprisingly, I also found out USA is pretty much the vanguard for educating children with disabilities (which given our struggles with special Ed, I found surprising and dismaying). I was worried what her education would look like.

Now I’m still guessing had I got that job, I’d probably have gone for it. But we actually considered DH becoming a SAHP if so. He is a very involved and invested parent though, and would’ve received a stipend for NOT working from the org I was interviewing with. This is a tough decision OP—sounds like you’d get a lot of support but you are right to really think this through. No right answer—you’ll be left wondering either way.

Pretty much worldwide ASD is a no-go diagnosis for the military due to lack of ABA and any services at all for it. There is no ADA abroad (obviously) and many are shocked to learn that disabled people have very few rights and can be openly discriminated against. The worldwide motto is more they have to adapt to us vs accommodating them.

Military has online service providers depending on the need and some bases have more support than others. Not comparable.

Not true, 0 virtual appointments are allowed overseas. US providers can't legally perform medicine across borders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that would give me pause is that Downs is almost non existent in Scandinavia. Iceland being the most extreme. You may have people questioning your choices in uncomfortable ways and fewer professionals with experience. But hopefully such occurrences would be rare and balanced by the otherwise accepting environment.

I would go for it since it is temporary and you wouldn’t be giving up a job to do it, but try to connect with some special needs locals if possible

I was coming here to say this. There was an interesting article in the Atlantic in 2020 on the topic. Made it seem like you’d be a real outsider if your kid had DS—only 18 babies total in 2019 in Denmark had DS. I’d make really sure that the services my child had access to aren’t in the dark ages and embrace your child.

I almost got a job in France and as I was doing the final interview I did a ton of research about ASD in France because my DD who was 2.5 was diagnosed—she was verbal and bright but certainly quirky with communication challenges (and actually now at 5 hardly has an IEP or much services but is definitely on the spectrum).

France didn’t seem like a great place for ASD, and honestly gave my husband and I pause as we considered things. I would have gotten a TON of support from the org I was considering, but I wasn’t clear about quality and whether they’d embrace her neurodiversity. Surprisingly, I also found out USA is pretty much the vanguard for educating children with disabilities (which given our struggles with special Ed, I found surprising and dismaying). I was worried what her education would look like.

Now I’m still guessing had I got that job, I’d probably have gone for it. But we actually considered DH becoming a SAHP if so. He is a very involved and invested parent though, and would’ve received a stipend for NOT working from the org I was interviewing with. This is a tough decision OP—sounds like you’d get a lot of support but you are right to really think this through. No right answer—you’ll be left wondering either way.

Pretty much worldwide ASD is a no-go diagnosis for the military due to lack of ABA and any services at all for it. There is no ADA abroad (obviously) and many are shocked to learn that disabled people have very few rights and can be openly discriminated against. The worldwide motto is more they have to adapt to us vs accommodating them.

Military has online service providers depending on the need and some bases have more support than others. Not comparable.

A dependent with an ASD diagnosis will not go overseas. They won't go to some remote CONUS bases. Google EFMP.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom of a kid with profound intellectual disability (much more severe than what you describe) and I have a “high powered” career (a silly term but trying to equate to what you may be stepping into). Like you will have, we have 70 plus hours a week of help in our home. I travel once or twice a month. I have a husband with ADHD who isn’t going to proactively manage a complex schedule but can show up and manage whatever I ask him to put on his calendar and is great with routines like “take the trash out on Tuesday and do all the laundry on Saturday.” He can clean a lot too, He also has a job that he is good at (but likely could be even greater at it if he would medicate his ADHD). He is also super supportive of what I do. For example, a number of years ago, I went to Asia and back three times in a seven week period and he was totally fine about it.

Honestly, we are doing great. But, I also accept that I’m not the primary caregiver all the time (or even most of the time). I’m rely on caregivers to do a lot and my husband does a lot as well. I also fully believe that whether special needs or NT, we are just parenting around the margins. No amount of intense therapy is going to change anything in some extreme way and as a result we have cut stuff over the years. I now look back and realize I wasted a bunch of time and money. I also believe the best thing I can do is earn as much money as possible as Medicaid is gutted in the US. My daughter will need a group facility to live in as we age.

I will say one difference is that neither of us is prone to anxiety or depression. It sounds like you are getting that under control, which is great. I do think you have to get a plan on medical stuff if your husband really can’t handle it. My other kid had brain cancer when she was very young. We got comfortable with our nanny handling the blood work only appointments which were weekly. My husband and I handled the two brain surgeries, the week in PICU for meningitis and the 16 months of chemo, but the nanny could go get the blood work once a week, take her to the regular ped, get her checked for strep throat etc. I’m sure many people would judge that, but it worked for us. Can you FaceTime with the doctor and your husband if you cannot physically be there?

[Anonymous]

OP--Do it, I'm rooting for you. Hire good childcare help and this will make all the difference. They can pick up the slack where your DH falls short. I think you are right that you will regret not doing it. Take a deep breath, delegate what you can delegate, and go for it!

[Anonymous]

1000% do it OP! Your kid is 5. You also have plenty of time to prepare. In addition to the childcare you may be able to find a "household manager" to assist in general home organization (and almost just be an admin to you and your husband). Whatever you can outsource do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

DP. She's answering some questions by providing additional details. Have some patience.

Um, she's not. Why is this not do-able in a few years? How is the 70 hour per week assistance being paid-out of pocket or by the company? How kids are there really? Why does it think this with so much travel is possible if op quit her job 6 months ago?

Op here. I’m not a troll. I don’t know how answering these questions proves whether I am a troll (couldn’t I just make up the answers?). But here ya go:

I can’t just defer the job because the job wouldn’t allow it. I’ve also accepted it already and they are expecting me to go, so backing out will burn bridges.

The nanny/au pair assistance is what I’ve priced out that we could afford and we would be paying it out of pocket. I don’t know for sure that we’d have 2 employees but it’s something that would be possible if needed.

I have 2 kids.

I think the core of my question is whether I’m up to the task of doing this. I obviously have concerns and in my own mind can’t tell if this is imposter syndrome or fear or my own intuition telling me not to proceed. That’s part of why I made my post. I did decide to take a time out from working 6 months ago, and yeah I’m scared. But I’ve also always worked and have had a good career so it’s not as if I don’t know what it means to be a working parent.

I think the question is why are you still so exhausted when you don't have a job right now? Is it a physical health problem, mental health problem, or is your son just that high-needs?

I have a hard time seeing you having a job, doing everything that the nanny or two nannies don't do (for both kids), having a marriage, and not being exhausted again. With the added difficulty that it's all in another country and you have to start from scratch finding new providers for everything.

What happens if one of your childcare people suddenly quits or isn't available?

Op here. It’s a good question-why am I THIS exhausted? I mean, while I’m not technically working a full time job, the interview process for this new role was grueling and time intensive and took almost a year, with two separate week long interviews that required travel. I also am working but just part time, doing contractor work in my field like 10-20 hours/week. I don’t have full time childcare anymore since leaving my full time job so I am often doing parent things. My DS also had a lot of medical stuff come up this year and that and the IEP process going into kindergarten for next year was a huge time suck. I’ve also been dealing with depression and anxiety but they have improved greatly in the last several months with medication and therapy.

Depression and living alice that doesn't interest you - both are exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I wouldn’t take a job that required extensive travel. DH had this when the kids were young and I had a more demanding job. They were in daycare full time and it was still really hard. We had to fly family in several times per year to help. Even work help, it’s just so exhausting and there are times kids need their parents. By mid elementary I took a less demanding job and DH stopped international travel. Now that they are in middle and high school, I have a position that is about 35 hours per week and DH is in the works of simplifying even more and rarely travels. They seem to need us around more than ever now and we get more tired now!

[Anonymous]

Ohhh, I don't want to go against the grain, but I don't know if I would be doing this if I were OP.

I have a kid with moderate SNs (doesn't sound bad on paper, but has always had a terrible time interacting with the world around him). I also have a very demanding job. I also have a DH who is 80% useless.

But I agree with the posters who are concerned that you are already overwhelmed, and you're not currently employed. And you don't think you really deserve the job, and are sort of low motivation, have a very recent history of mental health issues, and are only getting this because you have a niche. I'd be concerned this will break you and your family. Not for nothing, it's also very dark for much of the year in Scandinavia, and I have friends who have struggled with worse depression there -- when they didn't speak the primary language, had trouble making friends as a consequence, plus it was dark at 3:45 in the afternoon in December. And I say this as someone who loves Scandinavia.

I also don't believe the whole "it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, that will never happen again". If you got the offer now, you can get it again. You didn't get the offer 10 years ago because you weren't as experience as now. If you got the offer now, you can get it again.

Also, not to point out the obvious, but foreign jobs for US persons in random markets like Scandinavia are actually really easy for US persons to get. Because not many people apply to those remote outposts, and US persons tend to have extremely impressive resumes relative to peers in other countries. I think your biggest problem is you're underestimating your worth to be able to get this job in the future.

[Anonymous]

Is it a diplomat position?
I’ve worked overseas. In many ways it’s easier. And usually these jobs provide funds for educational support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a diplomat position?
I’ve worked overseas. In many ways it’s easier. And usually these jobs provide funds for educational support.

Diplomats don't travel extensively they also wouldn't be able to afford 70+ hours of private childcare.

[Anonymous]

I only read the first and last pages, but I think if you were my friend I would advise you to do it. And if you were me I'd be nervous to do it, so I get your hesitation.

I think you will regret not doing it.

Working in a dream job is energizing, even when it's exhausting. Working the drudgery of intensive parenting rarely is energizing in that same way. And the longer you step out of the career track the harder it is to get it back.

The poster who said to let go of optimizing everything is on the right track. You likely aren't on the parenting journey you initially envisioned before you get your child. That's hard to accept, but even if you devoted one hundred percent of your time and energy to it, you still won't make it back onto that mythical pathway.

What's the worst that could happen if you try it for a year and a half and it really isn't good? You could back out early, right? But you'll always regret not trying it out. If you throw away your goals you start to lose some of yourself.

[Anonymous]

^get your child should say "met" your child

[Anonymous]

It's inspiring to hear that you pursued this opportunity and it came through, congratulations!

Congratulations too on the birth of your son.

I would without doubt take this opportunity, but you must plan plan plan and try to move set up interview care takers and doctors etc far in advance of what your peers entering the program would do.

I have to say, admittedly with some ignorance, that I think it is a plus that Down Syndrome is a known concrete diagnosis in that region. There are likely resources and organizations available now to tap into for guidance. (I am still struggling with European family that thinks ADHD can be fixed with totalitarian parenting styles, but I digress.)

Best of luck and please update us!

[Anonymous]

You need to train your husband how to take care of appointments:
How to make appointments
Where to log appointments in various calendars
How to follow up with insurance/pay for appointments
What to ask or document at an appointment-
You may need to make him a form and get him a clipboard. He may need to ask to record the Drs verbal messages so you can listen later.

My neighbor is a State Dept family with a child with Down syndrome. The mom also has a job where she cannot take off during the day to attend all appointments. Her experience has been that school accommodations and services were better outside of the US.