Once in a lifetime job opportunity but DS with SN

[Anonymous]

So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

[Anonymous]

Will you have help for this opportunity--meaning a FT au pair type child care provider--which is very common in Scandinavia? There is so much better support for childcare overall. Although I'm not as familiar with SN. Worth looking into with your employer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you have help for this opportunity--meaning a FT au pair type child care provider--which is very common in Scandinavia? There is so much better support for childcare overall. Although I'm not as familiar with SN. Worth looking into with your employer.

Op here. Yes. I’ve already looked into this in detail. We will have two full time support people that will rotate shifts so we should have 60-70 hours/week of help with DS.

[Anonymous]

Can you bring a special needs nanny from the US there, since it's a specialized skill? Then he could have one main nanny full time during most of his waking hours, and one Scandinavian nanny for the overflow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will you have help for this opportunity--meaning a FT au pair type child care provider--which is very common in Scandinavia? There is so much better support for childcare overall. Although I'm not as familiar with SN. Worth looking into with your employer.

Op here. Yes. I’ve already looked into this in detail. We will have two full time support people that will rotate shifts so we should have 60-70 hours/week of help with DS.

Child still needs your time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

[Anonymous]

Scandinavia has a system that truly supports families, you will find childcare and accommodation there.

[Anonymous]

You mentioned this is a high paying position. So I think taking the opportunity and setting aside money for your DS’s care as an adult may ultimately provide greater long term benefits than forgoing this job for a few years of therapies. Although your son is high functioning in terms of Down syndrome, that doesn’t necessarily equate to functioning to support himself someday.

Also your DH needs to step up and figure this out. Why is he off the hook because he “isn’t capable?” He should be able to manage 1 kid with 70 hours per week of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will you have help for this opportunity--meaning a FT au pair type child care provider--which is very common in Scandinavia? There is so much better support for childcare overall. Although I'm not as familiar with SN. Worth looking into with your employer.

Op here. Yes. I’ve already looked into this in detail. We will have two full time support people that will rotate shifts so we should have 60-70 hours/week of help with DS.

Are you sure on cost? Are you paying out of pocket? We had a nanny when we lived in other European countries, but it was too expensive in Sweden.

[Anonymous]

In addition to what everyone else has said, you need to demand more of your DS' **other parent**

wtf? He's "not very capable" ? Then maybe he shouldn't have produced offspring. But his and your DS is here, now, and so Dad's going to need to step it up and locate his capabilities. At the very, very least, this man (who is a trailing spouse, correct, and thus will not be working?) can drive DS everywhere, walk DS to/ from school, pick up DS' cardiac meds, whatever.

Don't allow DS' dad to be a ManBaby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

[Anonymous]

Is there a residential treatment option for your son?

[Anonymous]

I really don't get what your DH does all day and why he isn't very capable. You say your son is "very functional" but also so needy that you aren't able to work a job at all right now-- that's confusing to me. I really don't see how you're going to take on a super challenging job when right now you're not able to do any job at all, just dealing with your son and yet the "exhaustion is extreme".

Do you have other kids?

I think if you want the job you need to accept that you're not going to be doing 100% of everything that could potentially benefit your son. Or your DH is really really terrible, or you have a psychological or physical health problem that is causing your exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

Op here. DH will be working remotely. We have another child. DH is good at staying calm and he is quite warm. He struggles with the medical stuff. Like at appointments I swear he actually disassociates and/or makes things up. He’s also the quintessential absent minded professor and can’t ever keep track of anything (schedules, shoes, birthdays, etc.).