Once in a lifetime job opportunity but DS with SN

[Anonymous]

Just go. Line up resources for your DS and just go. You'll solve problems as they come up.

Does DS have heart problems? I know that's common with Down syndrome - can. you find a peds cardio or whatever kind of drs you need for him over there? I'd line that up, his school, the nanny (nannies?) and work everything else out.

[Anonymous]

Do it

Don’t look back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go. Line up resources for your DS and just go. You'll solve problems as they come up.

Does DS have heart problems? I know that's common with Down syndrome - can. you find a peds cardio or whatever kind of drs you need for him over there? I'd line that up, his school, the nanny (nannies?) and work everything else out.

I agree with this PP. Just go, with the plans above. Ds can settle into school and DH can learn to find his own shoes! It sounds like an amazing opportunity, even for DS.

[Anonymous]

Simplify as much as possible (meals, activities, therapies)
WRT your child with Downs, don’t try to do everything at once- that is impossible. Triage the most important one or two things, then reassess every six months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should try and defer it until your kids are older and more independent. And maybe some of the medical things will have resolved?

Op here. Not an option.

Why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

Op here. DH will be working remotely. We have another child. DH is good at staying calm and he is quite warm. He struggles with the medical stuff. Like at appointments I swear he actually disassociates and/or makes things up. He’s also the quintessential absent minded professor and can’t ever keep track of anything (schedules, shoes, birthdays, etc.).

He is a father of two. He must learn.

How on earth is he going to manage living in a foreign country if he can't even keep track of shoes?

Op here. We actually met when we were both stationed overseas, so we’ve done foreign assignments before but not since having kids. He managed ok when his life was less complicated.

I’m guessing he manages his more complex job now just fine. I speak from experience - I am literally a professor and while it would be challenging for me I let my husband do it because he will and then I have no practice. It really isn’t hard. If you split up he manages 100% of the home front, and you manage all of the child you take with you. Good luck. Honestly this sounds like either being without your husband could make life easier. But you really will need the cushion and a ton of help. And programs for kids with Down syndrome. Have you looked into where you are staying offers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In addition to what everyone else has said, you need to demand more of your DS' **other parent**

wtf? He's "not very capable" ? Then maybe he shouldn't have produced offspring. But his and your DS is here, now, and so Dad's going to need to step it up and locate his capabilities. At the very, very least, this man (who is a trailing spouse, correct, and thus will not be working?) can drive DS everywhere, walk DS to/ from school, pick up DS' cardiac meds, whatever.

Don't allow DS' dad to be a ManBaby.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it. Put your kid first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

Op here. DH will be working remotely. We have another child. DH is good at staying calm and he is quite warm. He struggles with the medical stuff. Like at appointments I swear he actually disassociates and/or makes things up. He’s also the quintessential absent minded professor and can’t ever keep track of anything (schedules, shoes, birthdays, etc.).

He is a father of two. He must learn.

How on earth is he going to manage living in a foreign country if he can't even keep track of shoes?

Op here. We actually met when we were both stationed overseas, so we’ve done foreign assignments before but not since having kids. He managed ok when his life was less complicated.

And Scandinavia is overseas, but it's not like people are roughing it there

[Anonymous]

Parents of children with substantial special needs cannot have it all unless there are two highly functioning adults and outside support. Something has to be sacrificed and it is up to the parents what that will be. As a parent who gave up a career for my severely autistic DD, I want you to choose your dreams but I do not have to live your life of raising your child while doing so. You matter too, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

I'd love to hear more about family friendly perks there. What programs? Are they available to second you arrive or do you have to be a resident for a while?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

I'd love to hear more about family friendly perks there. What programs? Are they available to second you arrive or do you have to be a resident for a while?

depends on the specific country

[Anonymous]

Can you be more specific about your son’s needs? From what you describe (potty trained, mainstreamed at school) I’m having trouble understanding how 70 hours of care could not be enough. I think you should be able to do this. At least try. You got this.