Once in a lifetime job opportunity but DS with SN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

DP. She's answering some questions by providing additional details. Have some patience.

Um, she's not. Why is this not do-able in a few years? How is the 70 hour per week assistance being paid-out of pocket or by the company? How kids are there really? Why does it think this with so much travel is possible if op quit her job 6 months ago?

Op here. I’m not a troll. I don’t know how answering these questions proves whether I am a troll (couldn’t I just make up the answers?). But here ya go:

I can’t just defer the job because the job wouldn’t allow it. I’ve also accepted it already and they are expecting me to go, so backing out will burn bridges.

The nanny/au pair assistance is what I’ve priced out that we could afford and we would be paying it out of pocket. I don’t know for sure that we’d have 2 employees but it’s something that would be possible if needed.

I have 2 kids.

I think the core of my question is whether I’m up to the task of doing this. I obviously have concerns and in my own mind can’t tell if this is imposter syndrome or fear or my own intuition telling me not to proceed. That’s part of why I made my post. I did decide to take a time out from working 6 months ago, and yeah I’m scared. But I’ve also always worked and have had a good career so it’s not as if I don’t know what it means to be a working parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh wow, OP, I would go for it. The pain of forgoing this sort of opportunity could be really, really hard to quantify, and you don't want to resent passing it up.

+1

[Anonymous]

Op - maybe you need a therapist or coach to assist you with planning things out. Wrt your dh, can you provide him with some specific tasks that you know you will not have bandwidth for? Can he take your ds to the doctor and FaceTime with you so you can hear what the doctor says after an exam? Can he handle dinner? The kids will be fine with something simple. Good luck and keep us posted about how you are all doing once you get settled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

DP. She's answering some questions by providing additional details. Have some patience.

Um, she's not. Why is this not do-able in a few years? How is the 70 hour per week assistance being paid-out of pocket or by the company? How kids are there really? Why does it think this with so much travel is possible if op quit her job 6 months ago?

Op here. I’m not a troll. I don’t know how answering these questions proves whether I am a troll (couldn’t I just make up the answers?). But here ya go:

I can’t just defer the job because the job wouldn’t allow it. I’ve also accepted it already and they are expecting me to go, so backing out will burn bridges.

The nanny/au pair assistance is what I’ve priced out that we could afford and we would be paying it out of pocket. I don’t know for sure that we’d have 2 employees but it’s something that would be possible if needed.

I have 2 kids.

I think the core of my question is whether I’m up to the task of doing this. I obviously have concerns and in my own mind can’t tell if this is imposter syndrome or fear or my own intuition telling me not to proceed. That’s part of why I made my post. I did decide to take a time out from working 6 months ago, and yeah I’m scared. But I’ve also always worked and have had a good career so it’s not as if I don’t know what it means to be a working parent.

I think the question is why are you still so exhausted when you don't have a job right now? Is it a physical health problem, mental health problem, or is your son just that high-needs?

I have a hard time seeing you having a job, doing everything that the nanny or two nannies don't do (for both kids), having a marriage, and not being exhausted again. With the added difficulty that it's all in another country and you have to start from scratch finding new providers for everything.

What happens if one of your childcare people suddenly quits or isn't available?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will you feel worse in 3 years if you flame out more if you didn’t try at all?

This. What happens if you try and it just doesn't work out?

[Anonymous]

Op, I don't know what langage do Scandinavia speak, but first you need to figure out where to relocate (pack to relocate), and I bet your hiring company, relocation agency & moving company can provide resources, help you pack/move and look for housing/schools for 2 kids. Would that be international school for 2 kids or public school or SN school for one kid?

Second, can you do zoom meeting or long distance call to nail down therapy appointments if there are still some time before you family need to relicate to Scandinavia? Third, I don't understand why you need 70-80 hours of nanny /au pair services. Wouldn't kids be in schools during school time? Will you or DH have to work on occassional weekends or weeknights? Was the schools there have many days off?

I have a cousin moving to different countries with 3 NT kids every 3 years because her DH is an embassador. She does not work, so she manage all these to deal with relocation agency/moving company/international schools/music classes/doctor appointments & etc. They have moved to japan, U.S. , china, Africa, Germany, Thailand etc over the last 18 plus years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I don't know what langage do Scandinavia speak, but first you need to figure out where to relocate (pack to relocate), and I bet your hiring company, relocation agency & moving company can provide resources, help you pack/move and look for housing/schools for 2 kids. Would that be international school for 2 kids or public school or SN school for one kid?

Second, can you do zoom meeting or long distance call to nail down therapy appointments if there are still some time before you family need to relicate to Scandinavia? Third, I don't understand why you need 70-80 hours of nanny /au pair services. Wouldn't kids be in schools during school time? Will you or DH have to work on occassional weekends or weeknights? Was the schools there have many days off?

I have a cousin moving to different countries with 3 NT kids every 3 years because her DH is an embassador. She does not work, so she manage all these to deal with relocation agency/moving company/international schools/music classes/doctor appointments & etc. They have moved to japan, U.S. , china, Africa, Germany, Thailand etc over the last 18 plus years.

Scandinavia is a region that includes several countries and each have their own language(s). However, most people also speak English.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

DP. She's answering some questions by providing additional details. Have some patience.

Um, she's not. Why is this not do-able in a few years? How is the 70 hour per week assistance being paid-out of pocket or by the company? How kids are there really? Why does it think this with so much travel is possible if op quit her job 6 months ago?

Op here. I’m not a troll. I don’t know how answering these questions proves whether I am a troll (couldn’t I just make up the answers?). But here ya go:

I can’t just defer the job because the job wouldn’t allow it. I’ve also accepted it already and they are expecting me to go, so backing out will burn bridges.

The nanny/au pair assistance is what I’ve priced out that we could afford and we would be paying it out of pocket. I don’t know for sure that we’d have 2 employees but it’s something that would be possible if needed.

I have 2 kids.

I think the core of my question is whether I’m up to the task of doing this. I obviously have concerns and in my own mind can’t tell if this is imposter syndrome or fear or my own intuition telling me not to proceed. That’s part of why I made my post. I did decide to take a time out from working 6 months ago, and yeah I’m scared. But I’ve also always worked and have had a good career so it’s not as if I don’t know what it means to be a working parent.

You take it one day at a time. You need to let go of all the things you are fearing. Take it as it comes. Some may happen, some won’t and worrying now doesn’t make one bit of difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

Cool it, PP. OP has a great opportunity and she is rightfully nervous. Can we just be supportive?

Scandinavia is far more family friendly than US, so quality of life will be better. My only slight concern is that they don't really have an emphasis on preventive medicine and they can be anti-vax. As a country, their healthcare system is better so they can absorb the schocks of getting sick, and work sick leave is better. Just make sure that your community will get down syndrome.

Op is a troll. More "details" keep coming out, not answering specific questions, the basic story doesn't add up.

DP. She's answering some questions by providing additional details. Have some patience.

Um, she's not. Why is this not do-able in a few years? How is the 70 hour per week assistance being paid-out of pocket or by the company? How kids are there really? Why does it think this with so much travel is possible if op quit her job 6 months ago?

Op here. I’m not a troll. I don’t know how answering these questions proves whether I am a troll (couldn’t I just make up the answers?). But here ya go:

I can’t just defer the job because the job wouldn’t allow it. I’ve also accepted it already and they are expecting me to go, so backing out will burn bridges.

The nanny/au pair assistance is what I’ve priced out that we could afford and we would be paying it out of pocket. I don’t know for sure that we’d have 2 employees but it’s something that would be possible if needed.

I have 2 kids.

I think the core of my question is whether I’m up to the task of doing this. I obviously have concerns and in my own mind can’t tell if this is imposter syndrome or fear or my own intuition telling me not to proceed. That’s part of why I made my post. I did decide to take a time out from working 6 months ago, and yeah I’m scared. But I’ve also always worked and have had a good career so it’s not as if I don’t know what it means to be a working parent.

You take it one day at a time. You need to let go of all the things you are fearing. Take it as it comes. Some may happen, some won’t and worrying now doesn’t make one bit of difference.

You figure out what you can do each day to move things forward. Small steps add up over time. Plus, think of raising your children as a marathon and not a sprint. Solve what you can solve and things will improve. Then, see what you (and DH) can do next. You don’t need to figure it all out at once. Let your DH do things even if he doesn’t do them the way you would or up to your standard. Aim for Good Enough.

Take time out each day to close your eyes and breathe (in for 7 (thru nose) hold for seven and out for twelve(thru mouth)) -do it three times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - maybe you need a therapist or coach to assist you with planning things out. Wrt your dh, can you provide him with some specific tasks that you know you will not have bandwidth for? Can he take your ds to the doctor and FaceTime with you so you can hear what the doctor says after an exam? Can he handle dinner? The kids will be fine with something simple. Good luck and keep us posted about how you are all doing once you get settled.

You need couples counseling for this dud of a DH. He has to step up, Scandinavia or otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you should do it. And don’t take this the wrong way, but you should also lower your expectations for what you need to do wrt your DS. It’s OK not to maximize every single therapy and possibility. You sound like an amazing mom who will continue to be amazing but it is simply not rational to forgo this opportunity because you’re killing yourself to be super SN mom. My kid has more mild needs and my career isn’t the greatest - but tbh I’m kind of lazy anyway and wasn’t meant to have a high flying career anyway.

Op here. Thank you! You’re probably right. I’ve gotten more intense around DS as we’ve been leading up to kindergarten which feels like a big inflection point.

My only fear is I do feel a bit of imposter syndrome….like I can’t believe I landed this job? I’m not the highest energy person. I just have a super niche skill set. But I quit my job 6 months ago because I couldn’t handle working my normal job (not super cool Scandinavian job) and my DS (and other kids). It’s scary to think about going back to work, moving overseas, etc. But I have truly been preparing for this for 20 years….like ever since college. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t trying to make this happen.

Honestly, I see you lasting 6 months at the most. If you can't handle US + normal job there is no way you are surviving 3 years overseas.

OMG, stop. The US is the absolute shittiest place to raise a kid. There is no support for anything. I would 100% wish I could have raised my kids anywhere in Europe or the Nordics rather than the US. It would have been 10x easier. OP, you have to do this for yourself and your family. Your kids need to see you thrive. Your DH needs to grow by supporting you. You can better support your SN and other kids long term when you have a thriving career (and salary). Your SN child will potentially need lifelong financial support and the best way to ensure that is to take the high paying jobs you are offered.

K in Scandinavian country may actually be a better fit for an SN child - there is more emphasis on development through play and social skills rather than the developmentally inappropriate emphasis on academic skills in K and early ES in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

Op here. DH will be working remotely. We have another child. DH is good at staying calm and he is quite warm. He struggles with the medical stuff. Like at appointments I swear he actually disassociates and/or makes things up. He’s also the quintessential absent minded professor and can’t ever keep track of anything (schedules, shoes, birthdays, etc.).

He is a father of two. He must learn.

How on earth is he going to manage living in a foreign country if he can't even keep track of shoes?

He will learn to buy new shoes in Swedish. Trust me, he will start remembering his shoes more when he has to walk barefoot in the snow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I’ve accepted a new job that entails an overseas posting (in Scandinavia). I am waiting for my security and medical clearances to come through which will take up to a year.

I have worked my whole career for an opportunity like this and have applied to this specific program multiple times over the last 10 years. It’s prestigious and high paying and something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember.

But I’m scared. My DS is 5. He has Down syndrome but he is very functional (potty trained at 2, in mainstream school with IEP and supports). I took the last 6 months off from working altogether because his needs are so overwhelming. We have so many doctors appointments and therapy appointments and my DH just isn’t very capable.

This new job will be demanding. It entails in person work and lots of travel. If I back out, I won’t ever get this opportunity again.

It’s a 3 year assignment and my whole family would relocate.

I feel torn. I’m scared this is not a realistic goal. I am in my late 30s and honestly my son has nearly killed me. The exhaustion is extreme. I can’t picture how I’ll work and also manage his education and care. We will have Nannies/Au Pairs for a minimum of 70 hours a week. But I’ve found that certain things cannot be outsourced and also the helpers require a lot of management too.

I’m scared that this is going to break me, but I’m scared if we don’t do it then I’ll regret it.

Has anyone else done something similar?

Will your DH be working or take time off while you are there? What things does your DH do well wrt parenting? What do you think he doesn't do well? Do you have other children?

Op here. DH will be working remotely. We have another child. DH is good at staying calm and he is quite warm. He struggles with the medical stuff. Like at appointments I swear he actually disassociates and/or makes things up. He’s also the quintessential absent minded professor and can’t ever keep track of anything (schedules, shoes, birthdays, etc.).

Is he also flakey at his full time job? How does he maintain successful employment? Or does he just dissociate and have trouble keeping track of things involving the family because he knows you will pick up the slack.

Op here. He does sometimes struggle at work but his job centers around one of his niche interests and isn’t terribly demanding so he gets by.

Honestly, he sounds completely ADHD. has he been evaluated? Meds can really help adult ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not do it. Put your kid first.

Putting her own oxygen mask on first is putting her own kid first.

[Anonymous]

Moving a family to another country is a large undertaking. Moving with a family member with special therapies and extra support is even larger. You're overwhelmed - this isn't a sign to stay home. Make a list, put it in order of when to do what, and start tackling the list. You've got this.