Situation with best friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t bean count. Maybe that’s part of why my kids have lots of friends. We have lots of fun. It’s not fun having a mom who goes through life with a face that looks like she’s sucking on lemons, whining about life not being “fair.”

Imagine a healthy person complaining about someone who went through cancer, playing the “it’s not FAIR” card. FFS. Grow up, OP. You sound like a nightmare.

I can. I went to visit an old neighbor whose daughter and mine played together as little kids. I don’t know what happened to her but she had turned so bitter. One of the mothers had breast cancer and asked old neighbor to watch her daughter, same age as our daughters. Old neighbor complained to me that she was always late picking her daughter up and she was sick of always having the daughter.

The mother died from the cancer a few months later.

Wow, that’s horrible. My daughter’s daycare friend came over for a play date, and the dad dropped off even though I had arranged the meet-up with the mom. Since it was the first time I thought it was a little odd he didn’t come in and chat for a few minutes, and he was late picking up, but I didn’t say anything because it was truly no big deal. We kept inviting with no reciprocation because this was my youngest daughter’s first “play date friendship,” and they were so little and it didn’t matter. Communication happened with the mom, but the dad was doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs.

Finally one day he confessed to me that the mom had leukemia and they were sorry not to invite, etc. My husband and I immediately said, we can take Jimmy for a few hours both days every weekend to give mom time to rest. Thankfully, after about a year of treatment, she was doing much better, and now they host play dates and are overall great friends. I’m really glad we didn’t get weird about “lack of reciprocation” up front. We were there for them when they needed us, now we know if anything ever happens to us, we’ve got “village-level” friends we could call.

[Anonymous]

Your DD doesn’t seem very bright. When I was a kid I could always pick up which parents were a little off. My good friend who lived on my street had a mom was often “resting” so we couldn’t play at her house on most days. I didn’t know it then but it is clear to me now her mom was suffering from depression. I didn’t have the language for it but I instinctively knew something wasn’t right and it never occurred to me to complain to MY mom about it because it was so obvious the vibes were off at that house. Your daughter isn’t 4; she shouldn’t need this explained to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The cancer diagnosis is irrelevant at this point. She doesn't have cancer. She had it in the past. Do lower key things. When my kids have friends over they go off and play and I just provide snacks. I'm not taking the kids all over town and doing activities with them.

You don't have to spend tons of money. If you don't want to have the kid over twice a week then have her over once a week. But don't punish a kid because her mom's a user. It's not her fault.

You lost me at "the cancer diagnosis is irrelevant" - once you've had cancer you know that remission does not mean cured.

I will say, if the mom doesn't feel like she can host for whatever reason (cancer, stress, who knows) you can either end the friendship for your child or just suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has had same bestie since kindergarten- they are now tweens. Besties mom was diagnosed with early stage cancer a few years ago. She is in remission and doing well. Problem is ever since she has used her diagnosis as an excuse to never host, like ever. She has always said she has to “prioritize herself and lower her stress.” Totally get it but it’s now been YEARS….its been years of never inviting my child to anything, never has her over, no sleepovers at their house, nothing. So for the past two years, I have picked up her child, taking her places paid for everything, had her for countless sleepovers, I’m the one always suggesting fun things they can do, facilitating activities or the meeting somewhere neutral. I adore her child and I don’t want my daughter to suffer from not seeing her best friend because of the mom’s lack of effort. To make matters worse, she does not want me to tell my daughter her diagnosis, which I have always honored. So I can’t even give my daughter a reason why there is no reciprocation from her best friend’s family to invite her to anything. I feel like I’ve waited it out long enough, and I think I need to say something for the sake of my child just feeling straight up slighted at this point.
I’m close with the mom but have become less close to her through this process while I’m just giving her space to “prioritize herself and lower her stress.”
How would you all proceed?

After my mother died of cancer and my father quickly remarried a much younger woman, my best friend's family and their home was my safe haven. They never asked my dad and step mother to reciprocate, and 35 years later, I realize how giving of their time and home they were. I'm still in touch with my bestie and her mom, and was so proud to introduce my son to her mom after he was born. Please explain how to your daughter how lucky she is to have a healthy intact family, and that she shouldn't feel slighted. We all have different family situations. Some families can afford to pay to go places and some cannot. Some families have moms who can get out of bed and some do not. Some families have dads who help and some do not....

Anyhow, whatever the mom's situation is, either give of your home and help a kid or don't and hopefully it doesn't impact your daughter's friendship.

Also, just stop paying for things. Your daughter is getting older and they can come up with cheap fun things to do on their own.

[Anonymous]

Most of my kids friends don’t reciprocate play dates and sleepovers to the degree that we host. I don’t really mind for several reasons. First it’s really not that big of a deal to have a kid over, or take them to a museum, restaurant etc. if you don’t want to spend the money just stay home. In the end you do these things so your child has friends and a social life, not to be even with the parents.

The other side is that if parents don’t reciprocate, it often happens that kids connect less and they’ll gravitate towards the ones they get to see more often. My 5th grader is now planning things with their friends on their own like going to the park, stopping by their house, asking parents for sleepovers. The closest friend is the one that has the freedom to do all these things, although maybe personally wise is not the best match.

Eventually the reciprocation will matter less and kids will figure out on their own when and how to hang out together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t bean count. Maybe that’s part of why my kids have lots of friends. We have lots of fun. It’s not fun having a mom who goes through life with a face that looks like she’s sucking on lemons, whining about life not being “fair.”

Imagine a healthy person complaining about someone who went through cancer, playing the “it’s not FAIR” card. FFS. Grow up, OP. You sound like a nightmare.

I can. I went to visit an old neighbor whose daughter and mine played together as little kids. I don’t know what happened to her but she had turned so bitter. One of the mothers had breast cancer and asked old neighbor to watch her daughter, same age as our daughters. Old neighbor complained to me that she was always late picking her daughter up and she was sick of always having the daughter.

The mother died from the cancer a few months later.

Wow, that’s horrible. My daughter’s daycare friend came over for a play date, and the dad dropped off even though I had arranged the meet-up with the mom. Since it was the first time I thought it was a little odd he didn’t come in and chat for a few minutes, and he was late picking up, but I didn’t say anything because it was truly no big deal. We kept inviting with no reciprocation because this was my youngest daughter’s first “play date friendship,” and they were so little and it didn’t matter. Communication happened with the mom, but the dad was doing all the pick-ups and drop-offs.

Finally one day he confessed to me that the mom had leukemia and they were sorry not to invite, etc. My husband and I immediately said, we can take Jimmy for a few hours both days every weekend to give mom time to rest. Thankfully, after about a year of treatment, she was doing much better, and now they host play dates and are overall great friends. I’m really glad we didn’t get weird about “lack of reciprocation” up front. We were there for them when they needed us, now we know if anything ever happens to us, we’ve got “village-level” friends we could call.

You’re a good person. You’d be surprised how many people don’t want to get involved.