Situation with best friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Some people never fully bounce back after cancer and chemo even though they're in remission. Try to give her some grace and keep inviting the kid.

[Anonymous]

You can't control other people. But, you also don't have to keep doing something that you're resentful about.

Cut back on the invites if you'd like. Find another friend or two who is more likely to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You decide how much you are willing to host. You do that. You tell your daughter that not everyone is the same and some families just do not have the energy to host.

How is that fair? Hosting can be as simple as picking up my child and having her Accompany them to Chick-fil-A dinner one night. Or drop them off at a movie and then pick them up and bring my child home. That is not exerting energy “hosting” - that’s just being polite to reciprocate.
-OP

But she’s not going to reciprocate. She doesn’t want to for some reason. Sounds like the cancer made her kind of mental or tired or wary or whatever. If you raise the issue, she’s just going to have her kid stop hanging out with yours. It’s about the kids anyway, so just put your feelings aside and stay the course. Maybe the friend needs the time away from her mom anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do not get the need for reciprocation. It’s about the kids and the kids can’t decide that their parents should host. If you can’t afford it, do home movie nights with pancakes for dinner and popcorn for snacks. That’s like $1 a person. It’s really not hard to add extra kids to your household for a few hours. Honestly many parents dream of being the hangout house so they can be part of their kids’ lives and have control over their activities.

It’s nice to have a mental health break once in a while too. The other parents gets a break when OP takes their kid. Other parents shoujd reciprocate. ( not OP)

[Anonymous]

No cancer as an excuse but I have friends like this. They never reciprocated. Kids been friends since K and are now in 5th. A year or so ago I started inviting other kids over more, or out with us. DD is still friends with the other kid but they’re not besties anymore.

[Anonymous]

Just want to say that I get that this situation sucks for you, and it is indeed unfair. You aren’t being petty for wanting a family to reciprocate. If you’re close with the mom then I think you can say “Hey, did something happen with DD that you aren’t comfortable having her over?” She’ll probably say no, she’s just keeping things low-key. And then if you want you can issue fewer (but not none) invites to the kid. The mom (and dad if he’s in the picture?) will get the message and either start inviting your kid over or not, but everyone will have clarity about the situation.

[Anonymous]

OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not get the need for reciprocation. It’s about the kids and the kids can’t decide that their parents should host. If you can’t afford it, do home movie nights with pancakes for dinner and popcorn for snacks. That’s like $1 a person. It’s really not hard to add extra kids to your household for a few hours. Honestly many parents dream of being the hangout house so they can be part of their kids’ lives and have control over their activities.

It’s nice to have a mental health break once in a while too. The other parents gets a break when OP takes their kid. Other parents shoujd reciprocate. ( not OP)

It’s nice if they do and in an ideal world people should share hosting. But OP cannot control what this other woman does and she will just create an awkward situation or spat if she accuses this woman of basically being lazy and too far in remission to keep using cancer as an excuse.

All OP can do is control her own actions. Host what she feels comfortable with without the expectation of an invite in return.

And FWIW she doesn’t know the ins and outs of this woman’s diagnosis. People can be left with fatigue and chemo fog for months or years. Maybe she’s been left with some sort of permanent damage that makes her tired. It really doesn’t matter though because it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

OP, my house was the hangout house and I loved it. I never thought about what others owed me. I am now blessed to have 4 incredible young women as extra “daughters”. Their friend group is very strong, starting from middle school, even though all are married, have kids, and live away from each other. My daughter is so lucky to have them and they are lucky to have her. If you don’t like it, don’t host. My son’s best friend from elementary school was at our house all the time. They are still best friends, both married with children, and he’s the first one to text me on any holiday or my birthday. Quite frankly, you need to do what you want, without judgment, and get on with your life. The time flies by and I regret nothing.

[Anonymous]

I had my thyroid removed and it took me 2 years to feel normal again, OP. I did make some effort to host a few things, but it was very stressful, and maybe I shouldn't have.

My kids are very trustworthy and I would have told them about the parent's diagnosis, as a way to explain the situation. The mother can prefer I not tell, but my kid knows she has to be discreet, and I prefer to tell her. That is my prerogative as her mother, and the one doing the social heavy lifting. All the parents who had or have cancer in our social circle did not seek to hide it from anyone, kids included.

You don't need to bankrupt yourself either, OP. Just do low-key things at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

+1

I'm in year 2 after successful cancer treatment, in remission, and I am not back to anything close to my precancer health and energy levels. I have some likely permanent side effects from the treatment that have created other health problems and invisible disability that are a chore to deal with. To most people I look fine, but I'm not. It's been enormously frustrating and discouraging, and like OP's friend I've realized I need to prioritize myself/my family and keep stress at bay. I don't host anything. I'm fortunate that my kid is slightly older and more capable of arranging things for themselves; at most I may have to drive them somewhere.

OP - Decide how much you want and are able to do to help your kid maintain the friendship. That's where your focus needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

+1

I'm in year 2 after successful cancer treatment, in remission, and I am not back to anything close to my precancer health and energy levels. I have some likely permanent side effects from the treatment that have created other health problems and invisible disability that are a chore to deal with. To most people I look fine, but I'm not. It's been enormously frustrating and discouraging, and like OP's friend I've realized I need to prioritize myself/my family and keep stress at bay. I don't host anything. I'm fortunate that my kid is slightly older and more capable of arranging things for themselves; at most I may have to drive them somewhere.

OP - Decide how much you want and are able to do to help your kid maintain the friendship. That's where your focus needs to be.

Okay but these girls are. tweens, not toddlers who need their asses wiped. Tweens can go off and play for a couple of hours while you lie on the couch.

[Anonymous]

She may continue to have health issues you don't know about. Most people don't know how much I struggle with health issues as it's not something I discuss nor anyone's business. I used to be the mom who was the room parent, volunteered at all field trips, etc. and now I am lucky to get out of bed some days. A little empathy goes a long way. Just stop taking the kid if you resent it so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

+1

I'm in year 2 after successful cancer treatment, in remission, and I am not back to anything close to my precancer health and energy levels. I have some likely permanent side effects from the treatment that have created other health problems and invisible disability that are a chore to deal with. To most people I look fine, but I'm not. It's been enormously frustrating and discouraging, and like OP's friend I've realized I need to prioritize myself/my family and keep stress at bay. I don't host anything. I'm fortunate that my kid is slightly older and more capable of arranging things for themselves; at most I may have to drive them somewhere.

OP - Decide how much you want and are able to do to help your kid maintain the friendship. That's where your focus needs to be.

Okay but these girls are. tweens, not toddlers who need their asses wiped. Tweens can go off and play for a couple of hours while you lie on the couch.

I was going to note that OP seems to be putting in a lot of effort for the tween/teen thread.

[Anonymous]

Its just weird that you started this thread today. If you are a troll, you really need to look deep into yourself and understand why you are the way you are.