Situation with best friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd tell my kid the real reason.

"Ella's mom is lazy. That's why she never lets Ella have friends over." Because that's the real reason.

Or she has debilitating anxiety where she can barely leave the house. Or the aftercare medication makes her feel like shit. Or the cancer is back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

Thank you. I can’t imagine complaining about this.

I’ve had cancer twice. Both times with kids in middle school. Anyone who hasn’t had cancer should stfu about how it’s been two years so it’s not relevant. It is to many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

You can’t put all of that on one friend. It’s not your daughter’s best friend’s job to train her on how to act as a guest. Explain to your daughter why she can’t sleep over. Her mother is not up to it.

[Anonymous]

Has your DD complained to you? Since kids are usually pretty honest, I am surprised your DD has mentioned to her friend, “Let’s play at your house tomorrow.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Well, in light of this important update, I think you should tell your DD that her Bestie is not a suitable friend because she is not fulfilling the obligations laid out above, and she should move on to other friends.

[Anonymous]

Do you really pick the kid up and drop her off?

I’d continue hosting but stop with making it SO easy. If her daughter wants to come over she can get a ride, I’m guessing her parents will take her they just don’t offer bc you do it.

Some parents and kids are like that. My 16 yo (they met in 6th grade tho) had a friend who lived with her dad and we were always paying and taking her and driving her home this kid acted like her dad couldn’t do anything. After a few situations that occurred where the girl proved to be not the best of friends or positive influence I stopped with all of it and suddenly her dad could pay and host and pick her up now that there wasn’t me to do it. Some people are just users and will take given the opportunity.

Tell your daughter to ask her friend why she can’t come over. They are old enough to complain about their parents to each other lol. Middle school is when you stop having these types of friendships with your kids parents and it turns more contractual. Texts to confirm plans that’s about it. Sometimes it’s good not to know every kids sad family story honestly, bc I offer when I want to and don’t when I don’t and I don’t feel any obligation bc I don’t know these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you acting like OP is wrong for not wanting some reciprocation, do you really invite kids places with yours over and over again and never get resentful or wonder why? You just keep doing it for the joy it brings?
I have an only ( tween) and she likes doing things with friends. So I invite. But I do think it would be the right thing to do for the other parent to reciprocate occasionally.

Well, sure, but in OP's case (and in many others) the other parent doesn't reciprocate, and probably never will. And you can't control what the other parents do. You can ask, but they still may say no. So you decide what you want to do. In OP's case, if the other child is really her kid's best friend, she needs to decide if she can maintain the level of support she's been providing. Then do it (or not). If her kid wonders why she's not being invited over to best friend's house, OP can be honest - "They're not able to host". The reason why they're unable to host is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP…..

Host the girl when you want to do so, and don’t expect reciprocation. Some families are unable or unwilling to for various reasons- and it certainly isn’t the kid’s fault. Kids are unable to reciprocate in this way on their own.

Be grateful your DD has such a great best friend, and that they hang out at your house and you know where they are. Don’t feel obligated to host kids at times you aren’t up for it (there are definitely times I am not, personally!)- but I would not hold it against the girl or change anything solely due to lack of reciprocation.

It won’t be long before the girls are doing more outside the houses on their own, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two years is not that long after a cancer diagnosis.

+1. Unless you’ve had cancer with young kids please don’t assume that there’s a proper way to bounce back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two years is not that long after a cancer diagnosis.

+1. Unless you’ve had cancer with young kids please don’t assume that there’s a proper way to bounce back.

This. For a person that has never been through this, that's a bold claim OP.

It's not easy to receive a cancer diagnosis when you are the parent of a young child. It's quite gross for you to be criticizing her need for space, which she stated to you clearly. I hope you stay this ignorant forever, because what this woman has gone through may still be devastating in numerous mental and physical ways, and you are not privy to every detail of her life.

How sad I would be if I knew "friends" were talking about me like this during my cancer recovery, and bringing my parenting into it.

[Anonymous]

I have one child and work a light school schedule. I’m often available on days off and offer to take kids places, same for weekends. I also give lots of rides. Many of the parents aren’t able to reciprocate due to other kids etc. I don’t feel resentful because I don’t offer anything I’m not comfortable with. My child has wonderful friends and I’m willing to encourage the relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those of you acting like OP is wrong for not wanting some reciprocation, do you really invite kids places with yours over and over again and never get resentful or wonder why? You just keep doing it for the joy it brings?
I have an only ( tween) and she likes doing things with friends. So I invite. But I do think it would be the right thing to do for the other parent to reciprocate occasionally.

I do exactly that! But I also set limits. I'm not rearranging my entire schedule or jumping in the car at the drop of a hat. FFS, the girl probably went through a period where she thought her mom might die. Have a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two years is not that long after a cancer diagnosis.

+1. Unless you’ve had cancer with young kids please don’t assume that there’s a proper way to bounce back.

+2 op, work on your empathy and hope you never have to go through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP depending on type and stage of cancer and the treatment that got her into remission, your child’s bestie’s mom might never regain her precancer health and energy levels, she remains immune compromised within a few years of having cancer and treatment and she is absolutely right to limit the kid traffic in her home because kids of all ages are Petri dishes of communicable disease.

And yes, if she has diminished energy and needs to manage her stress, she should be focusing her all on her own family and not on hosting playdates.

And her daughter should not be blamed nor should you be judging her mother or making snark comments to your kid.

Be grateful you’ve not had cancer thus far in your life. Show some grace.

Thank you. I can’t imagine complaining about this.

I’ve had cancer twice. Both times with kids in middle school. Anyone who hasn’t had cancer should stfu about how it’s been two years so it’s not relevant. It is to many people.

I completely agree with both of the people I quoted. Show some grace, for your daughter's sake if for nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You decide how much you are willing to host. You do that. You tell your daughter that not everyone is the same and some families just do not have the energy to host.

How is that fair? Hosting can be as simple as picking up my child and having her Accompany them to Chick-fil-A dinner one night. Or drop them off at a movie and then pick them up and bring my child home. That is not exerting energy “hosting” - that’s just being polite to reciprocate.
-OP

What gave you the impression that life was going to be fair?