Situation with best friend’s mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You decide how much you are willing to host. You do that. You tell your daughter that not everyone is the same and some families just do not have the energy to host.

How is that fair? Hosting can be as simple as picking up my child and having her Accompany them to Chick-fil-A dinner one night. Or drop them off at a movie and then pick them up and bring my child home. That is not exerting energy “hosting” - that’s just being polite to reciprocate.
-OP

What gave you the impression that life was going to be fair?

+1 It's not fair that this woman got cancer with young kids.

[Anonymous]

I don’t bean count. Maybe that’s part of why my kids have lots of friends. We have lots of fun. It’s not fun having a mom who goes through life with a face that looks like she’s sucking on lemons, whining about life not being “fair.”

Imagine a healthy person complaining about someone who went through cancer, playing the “it’s not FAIR” card. FFS. Grow up, OP. You sound like a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

It's not their job to teach your child to be a gracious guest. Maybe their house is small. Maybe it's not spotless. Maybe there is more going on that guests are an issue. Be gracious and teach your own kid vs. expecting others to do it. And, demanding someone take your child out to eat and other things is just pure obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Where is the father of this kid? He could easily do some driving/drop offs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t bean count. Maybe that’s part of why my kids have lots of friends. We have lots of fun. It’s not fun having a mom who goes through life with a face that looks like she’s sucking on lemons, whining about life not being “fair.”

Imagine a healthy person complaining about someone who went through cancer, playing the “it’s not FAIR” card. FFS. Grow up, OP. You sound like a nightmare.

I can. I went to visit an old neighbor whose daughter and mine played together as little kids. I don’t know what happened to her but she had turned so bitter. One of the mothers had breast cancer and asked old neighbor to watch her daughter, same age as our daughters. Old neighbor complained to me that she was always late picking her daughter up and she was sick of always having the daughter.

The mother died from the cancer a few months later.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and two are teens. We host more than all their friends. Over the years, I have gotten upset about lack of reciprocity. Now I’m just glad my kids have a lot of friends. All three kids do have some friends who host and reciprocate. Some have never had my kid over. Same goes for my adult friends. There are some people who never host or pick up a bill.

[Anonymous]

My dad had prostate cancer over 10 years ago and is still dealing with the damage from treatment today. Can't control bowel movements and needs a catheter inserted daily through his urethra which is very painful. Cannot pick anything up over 10lbs, etc. There's no way I'd make him host kids or do any work.
Not even something as simple as carrying grocery bags or taking out the trash. He, too, was stage 1, and cancer made him lose his livelihood. It's easy to assume someone is lazy, but the reality is you don't know (and will never know) how someone is coping/still suffering even though they "beat cancer." I think you should be thankful your DD has a BFF and stop being petty keeping score.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Well, in light of this important update, I think you should tell your DD that her Bestie is not a suitable friend because she is not fulfilling the obligations laid out above, and she should move on to other friends.

If OP’s kid only has one friend perhaps they should work on making a second before they torch this relationship.

[Anonymous]

Imagine the friend saying:

"Honestly I've never bounced back since the cancer 2 years ago. Mentally, physically I still feel so drained. I don't even have the mental capacity to host friends, organize hangouts, or drive if it's not absolutely necessary. Luckily I have this great friend, OP. Our kids are super close and she's been really understanding about taking the girls to do fun stuff. She's been great."

So unbelievably nasty of you to be so ungracious. Do this friend a favor and tell her how you really feel.

[Anonymous]

Tyr asking her if she can host next time. Or when your daughter asks why she can't go to their house, say "I don't know, you need to ask your friend."

Keep hosting. But at this point it's ok to ask them to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD has had same bestie since kindergarten- they are now tweens. Besties mom was diagnosed with early stage cancer a few years ago. She is in remission and doing well. Problem is ever since she has used her diagnosis as an excuse to never host, like ever. She has always said she has to “prioritize herself and lower her stress.” Totally get it but it’s now been YEARS….its been years of never inviting my child to anything, never has her over, no sleepovers at their house, nothing. So for the past two years, I have picked up her child, taking her places paid for everything, had her for countless sleepovers, I’m the one always suggesting fun things they can do, facilitating activities or the meeting somewhere neutral. I adore her child and I don’t want my daughter to suffer from not seeing her best friend because of the mom’s lack of effort. To make matters worse, she does not want me to tell my daughter her diagnosis, which I have always honored. So I can’t even give my daughter a reason why there is no reciprocation from her best friend’s family to invite her to anything. I feel like I’ve waited it out long enough, and I think I need to say something for the sake of my child just feeling straight up slighted at this point.
I’m close with the mom but have become less close to her through this process while I’m just giving her space to “prioritize herself and lower her stress.”
How would you all proceed?

I would tell my daughter the diagnosis in confidence to assuage hurt feelings if she is truly upset about not going over (though I suspect that’s actually you) and carry on. Leave the poor woman alone. She’s fighting cancer FFS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Then I guess she will have to get then at someone else's house. OP, does you child have only one friend? Re: this woman, she had cancer, some grace is warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Well, in light of this important update, I think you should tell your DD that her Bestie is not a suitable friend because she is not fulfilling the obligations laid out above, and she should move on to other friends.

If OP’s kid only has one friend perhaps they should work on making a second before they torch this relationship.

Really good point.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you try having a mortal illness and see how much you feel like hosting. It’s traumatizing. It can take years to feel nir mail again. Many if not most people become very self absorbed. They and not you are the ones who need help and support which this mom mistakenly thought you were offering. Stop bean counting and show your dad you can put her first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure why posters are missing the point that OP is saying her daughter feels slighted for never being invited over to friends house.

Frankly, I wonder if the bff hasn't already confided in daughter, but told the daughter you can't tell anyone, and she has honored that.

OP, is your daughter upset, or is it just you who are tired of always hosting. And you seem to do a lot of work for it. That is great, except for the fact that you resent it. Let the girls figure out what to do on their own.

Yes, she often asks why can’t I go to their house or sleep over there? I feel she is missing out on learning how to be a gracious guest, how to interact with others in their home, and manage herself without one of her parents for a night. These are milestones IMO she should get to experience as well.
-OP

Does your daughter only have the one friend? Come on, you are being ridiculous. And petty.