Things that embarrass you about your spouse

[Anonymous]

His clothing. He looks fine at work (we are lawyers and are in office most of the week). But on the weekends he wears shorts or jeans and tshirts/sweatshirts that are 20 years old or more. Almost all are frayed and/or have holes and/or stains. He does this because they are comfortable. (This is where DCUM wants to jump in and tell me he's on the spectrum -- nothing could be further from the truth). For Christmas I got him 3 new sweatshirts and against all odds he's been wearing them, which is great. But this weekend we were out running errands and I realized he had holes in the a$$ of his jeans and you could see his boxers. I got irritated and he promised to throw them out when we got home, but that turned into taking them up to our cabin to only wear there instead of throwing them out.

[Anonymous]

Yeah.
Keep him busy doing craftwork that gets thrown out…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

isn't sleep apnea waking yourself up with a start?

Sometimes, but not always. Many people with apnea don't realize they have apnea because they don't ever wake fully, but their brain wakes from restful sleep to minimal sleep many times per night in effort to get the body to breathe again. It's very destructive to mental health because of the chronic sleep deprivation and also to organ health because of the chronic low O2 saturation due to apnea episodes throughout the night - Carrie Fisher died due to the complications of untreated sleep apnea https://sleepeducation.org/death-carrie-fisher-warning-sleep-apnea/ and those complications are epidemic in our society, there are millions of people living with untreated apnea. Snoring is a common sympton in folks with apnea, but some don't snore much if at all, so it's really important to get tested, especially if you've gained weight in adulthood or have been overweigh/obese since childhood - some people with apnea are normal weight and the structures in their throats are just faulty, many people with apnea are overweight/obese and the fat in the throat area is causing them to stop breathing properly in sleep.


As to the issue with teeth - poster, you should sit down with some research in hand and talk to your husband about what his quality of life will be like in another decade of two when his teeth have deteriorated to the point that he can't properly chew food. I've been in healthcare for a decade with folks from midlife into elder years and it's very sad to see people who cannot eat properly because they neglected dental care in their younger years. Dentures are not fun, and implants are the only solid choice once teeth have severely deteriorated, and they are hella expensive. He needs to get to a dentist now or start saving for the $50-90k he'll need to replace his teeth if he doesn't get going on salvaging what's left.

Thank you so much for this detailed response. I’m trying so hard to get him to go to the dentist. But I think he is very scared an embarrassed about how his teeth look. I even volunteered to go with him, and he keeps canceling the appointment.

Same for the snoring. He just refuses to go to the doctor. He has gained weight, he’s probably the heaviest he’s ever been. I even recorded him snoring so he could see how bad he sounds.

I’m going to talk to him again tonight. Thanks.

OP, talk to him again. I have severe obstructive sleep apnea and getting on cpap therapy has been life changing. If you have it and don't get it treated, it can be life threatening, and even if it doesn't kill you your quality of life can be horrible. I didn't want to do a sleeo study either, I'm not even sure why I resisted it at first, but the doctor talked me into it and I'm so glad they did.

I can relate to the teeth issue as well. I have anxiety with going to the dentist and I had done pretty well with it my whole life, powering through appointments with nitrous oxide (ugh it's so expensive), and then my May 2020 bi-annual cleaning was canceled when Covid hit. I didn't reschedule when they opened and before I knew it over three years had gone by and I new my oral health was a mess and could tell that even my breath was bad. I forced myself to make an appointment and got my doctor to give me a Xanax for it. Then I bit the bullet and went. It was uncomfortable and I needed deep cleaning which is awful and lots of money, but I got it done and I feel sooooo much better.

Tell your DH a woman from the internet feels like she was in his position and didn't want to deal with either issue, but once she did everything got a lot better. And with both dental issues and a potential sleep apnea diagnosis, dealing with it beats the ramifications of not dealing with it. I can guarantee that. The hard part is making the call for the appointment and then actually going. He just needs to get himself to the dentist. Get himself to the doctor (and then the sleep study). Op, provide lots of support for this -- both emotional, and, perhaps even more importantly, with logistics.

[Anonymous]

He will sometimes tell a complete stranger something too personal, e.g., while checking into a hotel, somewhere that only needs a quick transaction. TMI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

isn't sleep apnea waking yourself up with a start?

Sometimes, but not always. Many people with apnea don't realize they have apnea because they don't ever wake fully, but their brain wakes from restful sleep to minimal sleep many times per night in effort to get the body to breathe again. It's very destructive to mental health because of the chronic sleep deprivation and also to organ health because of the chronic low O2 saturation due to apnea episodes throughout the night - Carrie Fisher died due to the complications of untreated sleep apnea https://sleepeducation.org/death-carrie-fisher-warning-sleep-apnea/ and those complications are epidemic in our society, there are millions of people living with untreated apnea. Snoring is a common sympton in folks with apnea, but some don't snore much if at all, so it's really important to get tested, especially if you've gained weight in adulthood or have been overweigh/obese since childhood - some people with apnea are normal weight and the structures in their throats are just faulty, many people with apnea are overweight/obese and the fat in the throat area is causing them to stop breathing properly in sleep.


As to the issue with teeth - poster, you should sit down with some research in hand and talk to your husband about what his quality of life will be like in another decade of two when his teeth have deteriorated to the point that he can't properly chew food. I've been in healthcare for a decade with folks from midlife into elder years and it's very sad to see people who cannot eat properly because they neglected dental care in their younger years. Dentures are not fun, and implants are the only solid choice once teeth have severely deteriorated, and they are hella expensive. He needs to get to a dentist now or start saving for the $50-90k he'll need to replace his teeth if he doesn't get going on salvaging what's left.

Thank you so much for this detailed response. I’m trying so hard to get him to go to the dentist. But I think he is very scared an embarrassed about how his teeth look. I even volunteered to go with him, and he keeps canceling the appointment.

Same for the snoring. He just refuses to go to the doctor. He has gained weight, he’s probably the heaviest he’s ever been. I even recorded him snoring so he could see how bad he sounds.

I’m going to talk to him again tonight. Thanks.

OP, talk to him again. I have severe obstructive sleep apnea and getting on cpap therapy has been life changing. If you have it and don't get it treated, it can be life threatening, and even if it doesn't kill you your quality of life can be horrible. I didn't want to do a sleeo study either, I'm not even sure why I resisted it at first, but the doctor talked me into it and I'm so glad they did.

I can relate to the teeth issue as well. I have anxiety with going to the dentist and I had done pretty well with it my whole life, powering through appointments with nitrous oxide (ugh it's so expensive), and then my May 2020 bi-annual cleaning was canceled when Covid hit. I didn't reschedule when they opened and before I knew it over three years had gone by and I new my oral health was a mess and could tell that even my breath was bad. I forced myself to make an appointment and got my doctor to give me a Xanax for it. Then I bit the bullet and went. It was uncomfortable and I needed deep cleaning which is awful and lots of money, but I got it done and I feel sooooo much better.

Tell your DH a woman from the internet feels like she was in his position and didn't want to deal with either issue, but once she did everything got a lot better. And with both dental issues and a potential sleep apnea diagnosis, dealing with it beats the ramifications of not dealing with it. I can guarantee that. The hard part is making the call for the appointment and then actually going. He just needs to get himself to the dentist. Get himself to the doctor (and then the sleep study). Op, provide lots of support for this -- both emotional, and, perhaps even more importantly, with logistics.

Thank you again for this response. His dental issue is partially connected to Covid as well. He had been going pretty regularly, then missed a couple of years, then Covid.

He supposed to being to Doc this Friday for his annual required by insurance. I’m hoping he keeps the appointment.


I really appreciate your response. I needed your response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

isn't sleep apnea waking yourself up with a start?

Sometimes, but not always. Many people with apnea don't realize they have apnea because they don't ever wake fully, but their brain wakes from restful sleep to minimal sleep many times per night in effort to get the body to breathe again. It's very destructive to mental health because of the chronic sleep deprivation and also to organ health because of the chronic low O2 saturation due to apnea episodes throughout the night - Carrie Fisher died due to the complications of untreated sleep apnea https://sleepeducation.org/death-carrie-fisher-warning-sleep-apnea/ and those complications are epidemic in our society, there are millions of people living with untreated apnea. Snoring is a common sympton in folks with apnea, but some don't snore much if at all, so it's really important to get tested, especially if you've gained weight in adulthood or have been overweigh/obese since childhood - some people with apnea are normal weight and the structures in their throats are just faulty, many people with apnea are overweight/obese and the fat in the throat area is causing them to stop breathing properly in sleep.


As to the issue with teeth - poster, you should sit down with some research in hand and talk to your husband about what his quality of life will be like in another decade of two when his teeth have deteriorated to the point that he can't properly chew food. I've been in healthcare for a decade with folks from midlife into elder years and it's very sad to see people who cannot eat properly because they neglected dental care in their younger years. Dentures are not fun, and implants are the only solid choice once teeth have severely deteriorated, and they are hella expensive. He needs to get to a dentist now or start saving for the $50-90k he'll need to replace his teeth if he doesn't get going on salvaging what's left.

Thank you so much for this detailed response. I’m trying so hard to get him to go to the dentist. But I think he is very scared an embarrassed about how his teeth look. I even volunteered to go with him, and he keeps canceling the appointment.

Same for the snoring. He just refuses to go to the doctor. He has gained weight, he’s probably the heaviest he’s ever been. I even recorded him snoring so he could see how bad he sounds.

I’m going to talk to him again tonight. Thanks.

OP, talk to him again. I have severe obstructive sleep apnea and getting on cpap therapy has been life changing. If you have it and don't get it treated, it can be life threatening, and even if it doesn't kill you your quality of life can be horrible. I didn't want to do a sleeo study either, I'm not even sure why I resisted it at first, but the doctor talked me into it and I'm so glad they did.

I can relate to the teeth issue as well. I have anxiety with going to the dentist and I had done pretty well with it my whole life, powering through appointments with nitrous oxide (ugh it's so expensive), and then my May 2020 bi-annual cleaning was canceled when Covid hit. I didn't reschedule when they opened and before I knew it over three years had gone by and I new my oral health was a mess and could tell that even my breath was bad. I forced myself to make an appointment and got my doctor to give me a Xanax for it. Then I bit the bullet and went. It was uncomfortable and I needed deep cleaning which is awful and lots of money, but I got it done and I feel sooooo much better.

Tell your DH a woman from the internet feels like she was in his position and didn't want to deal with either issue, but once she did everything got a lot better. And with both dental issues and a potential sleep apnea diagnosis, dealing with it beats the ramifications of not dealing with it. I can guarantee that. The hard part is making the call for the appointment and then actually going. He just needs to get himself to the dentist. Get himself to the doctor (and then the sleep study). Op, provide lots of support for this -- both emotional, and, perhaps even more importantly, with logistics.

Thank you again for this response. His dental issue is partially connected to Covid as well. He had been going pretty regularly, then missed a couple of years, then Covid.

He supposed to being to Doc this Friday for his annual required by insurance. I’m hoping he keeps the appointment.


I really appreciate your response. I needed your response.

DP You can also ask his GP (if he goes for annual) for a small Rx of Xanax to get through initial dental appointment. Nitrous is great for the actual work but he might need something to take the edge of his anxiety and shame at consult. You can drive him. I would call ahead and explain to dentist’s office. Anixiety is very common and they have seen it all in terms of dental neglect he won’t even make the top 500 of bad mouths.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has really smelly farts all the time. Drives me crazy and awkward with guests. Tried to tell him to get it checked out, but he refuses.

He has divertulosis. When he reaches 50 and has his first colonoscopy, this will be confirmed.

There is no treatment. Probiotics do not affect the flatulence.

Insurance pays for a first colonoscopy at 45 now.

That is a very positive development as far as cancer detection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of these DH have untreated mental illnesses. Don't know if it's anxiety or depression or what but these folks need help

OK, but please do not ignore the research proving:

- the overwhelming majority of women here are mentally ill.

Please cite your sources

You did not know this fact? Really??

Women in the DC area are well-over 90% democrats.

https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/over-50-percent-white-liberal-women-under-30-mental-health-condition

Thank you for introducing me to this crazy magazine! I love bonkers stuff like this

The study was conducted by Pew Research.

Do you think they are “bonkers” too?

Science is not real.

[Anonymous]

His weight and his overeating - I know, they go hand in hand. But we will go to a party and almost as soon as we walk in he is eating something if the host has food out, sometimes before he even greets our host. It's like he's been fasting for 24 hours and needs immediate food. His obesity is a huge source of embarrassment to me. I know it's his problem, not mine but I don't find him physically attractive at all, which is also embarrassing because I shouldn't be so vain.

[Anonymous]

I think it is normal to be annoyed or embarrassed by little things about your spouse.

Mine is the nicest, sweetest, most caring…he is wonderful. But in social settings sometimes he drives me NUTS. He makes dumb comments, dominates conversations, comes off as a know-it-all, and isn’t great at reading social cues. It’s weird because it’s a different “persona” than he has at home.

I try not to see it is a reflection of me. But sometimes it’s hard haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is normal to be annoyed or embarrassed by little things about your spouse.

Mine is the nicest, sweetest, most caring…he is wonderful. But in social settings sometimes he drives me NUTS. He makes dumb comments, dominates conversations, comes off as a know-it-all, and isn’t great at reading social cues. It’s weird because it’s a different “persona” than he has at home.

I try not to see it is a reflection of me. But sometimes it’s hard haha.

What’s his persona at home? Silent introvert? Only talk about work or news?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is an immigrant and still doesn’t know where or what Massachusetts is. I just find it galling that someone could live in a country for 15+ years and be so uninterested in where they live that they don’t have a grasp of major regions. Yes, I showed him a map. Yes I told him that’s where Harvard is. It bothers me that Massachusetts has come up several times in conversation with outside people and he is still so, so confused. He gets this panicked blank look that only I understand. He is similarly disinterested in a lot of things about America including basics about politics and it still bugs me. But otherwise he is a good husband and pretty intelligent.

😂😂

Laughed OUT LOUD. Actually still stifling giggles at my desk. This is hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a know it all. Or maybe he just thinks he knows it all. I ignore him.
He likes to show he's superior to his brother because his brother isn't intellectually life savvy. It's mean. It really bothers me.
No matter what he sees on YouTube he can do it. No he can't. Ex. the window he broke "fixing" it. It was an arched tinted window and cost to replace by an expert $2000.
I told him not to invest in Bitcoin yet he did it anyway. Now he can't get his money.
I don't care WHAT show is on tv, he is better at it. He made some moonshine and didn't research it enough and it tastes HORRIBLE. He's planning on making more.
He told me he was going to take up woodworking. I asked what kind ? And he said carving duck decoys. This is a man that bought an expensive piece of plywood to make an arch for the front door. When he finished it was 3 feet by 3 feet and maybe 2 inches wide and looked like crap. He threw it away.
He watches Homestead Rescue and decided he was going to build his own shed. He should never ever EVER have a saw, a hammer, anything sharp, paint and money. I have two words for his in progress build : SNUFFY SMITH.
I heard him recently talk to his friend in Texas. I caught him using that Texas drawl. He claims he wasn't. LIAR. I recorded him. LOL.
He passes gas in front of people and says it's his allergies acting up.
He never shuts up. On and on and on about whatever he's doing. We need a wrap it up box.
He corrects people. It's rude. Very rude.
I think he was born without that embarrassed gene. His family says what they think out loud. When I got seriously sick my husband took care of me. After it was over and I could manage my own bathing he told me I smelled so bad he thought he would throw up. Now how the hell am I supposed to react to that ? Same man I caught crying at the foot of my bed while I was asleep at 5 am deathly ill asking me to wake up because he was afraid I was dying ? Like our cat that died from old age. Help me Jesus.
Last but not least, he burns the front yard black every spring because he saw an Alaskan show where fire burnt up lots of acreage and grew back lush and green. Yes it worked but he's the ONLY one in the neighborhood that does that.

I need a vacation from him. He's getting on my last nerve.

How did you come to marry this man and why do you remain married?

We're 46 years in and although he has these minuses the pluses out way any thoughts of divorce. And yes, we have children, all grown and living out of state. He treats me well, he treats our children well, their married partners LOVE him, his grandchildren ADORE him. He never limits anything I want to do, he's generous to a fault and he worked very hard his whole life. Let's just say since he's been retired for 3 years now I think he's just looking for something to do but he refuses to research it. Retirement seems to have been the trigger. Maybe he can build me a tiny house next.

PP, your writing is hilarious! I loved reading about your DH’s quirks. I’d gladly read a book about his misadventures in home improvement!

Maybe don’t let him try the tiny house project if you value your sanity hahaha