Things that embarrass you about your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time there is something about my spouse that embarasses me I feel like a bad person. There are not so many things but number one would be his tattoo which I thought was edgy and cool in late 20s but in 40s it has not aged well at all. Number two is his proclivity for imitating people’s accents subconsciously when speaking to them - I think in an effort to relate? And number 3 is his oblivion to when people need a drink top up.

I feel so so so so bad that I find these things embarrassing. Is it normal to have things about your spouse that embarrass you or a sign there is something v wrong? I don’t think there is anything I can do about them except point out the drink thing.

No, it's not normal or healthy to "have things about your spouse that embarrass you." That absolutely is a sign that there's something wrong -- not necessarily with the relationship, but rather with you. It's a good thing to discuss with a therapist, to gain a better understanding of this character defect.

given the available data which is the number of responses from those who feel similarly, garnered in the space of a few hours, I'd say it's definitely normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s “his obliviousness.” That would embarrass me.

Same but it no longer embarrasses me.
He embarrasses himself. And his kids I suppose.

I tend to now respond with the word: “Fascinating, never heard of that either”

And nothing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time there is something about my spouse that embarasses me I feel like a bad person. There are not so many things but number one would be his tattoo which I thought was edgy and cool in late 20s but in 40s it has not aged well at all. Number two is his proclivity for imitating people’s accents subconsciously when speaking to them - I think in an effort to relate? And number 3 is his oblivion to when people need a drink top up.

I feel so so so so bad that I find these things embarrassing. Is it normal to have things about your spouse that embarrass you or a sign there is something v wrong? I don’t think there is anything I can do about them except point out the drink thing.

No, it's not normal or healthy to "have things about your spouse that embarrass you." That absolutely is a sign that there's something wrong -- not necessarily with the relationship, but rather with you. It's a good thing to discuss with a therapist, to gain a better understanding of this character defect.

given the available data which is the number of responses from those who feel similarly, garnered in the space of a few hours, I'd say it's definitely normal.

Two year olds throwing tantrums is also normal.

If you are embarrassed (which is different than being annoyed in private), it means you see your spouse as an extension of you. Sometimes that's normal (and true). Sometimes it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obese
Boring
No common sense
Doesn’t read the news or books, just work stuff
No hobbies, sports or interests (unless you count iPhones)

When did you meet my spouse? Mine doesn't like to cook, clean, or be productive in anyway even though she's a SAHM of only one child who's 12 (in school 7 hours a day).

In grad school where his HFA wasn’t overwhelming him like real life with kids, house, jobs and wife does.

Sadly he was obese as a teen, went to college and worked out w roommates for the first time ever and ate better, thus lost weight. Then with his height continued to not be too overweight. But now that he’s working nonstop, impulse eats fast, drinks, desserts, too large of portions inhaled his BMI is Obese.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

isn't sleep apnea waking yourself up with a start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has really smelly farts all the time. Drives me crazy and awkward with guests. Tried to tell him to get it checked out, but he refuses.

Slip him some probiotics.

Smelly farts are the sign of a healthy and active gut fermenting waste product.

He needs to learn to have courtesy enough to step out of the room to pass gas, especially in the company of guests. I doubt very much there is anything wrong with his gut, the problem is in his manners.

[Anonymous]

Hi gut and his table manners. I probably wouldn't be so disgusted by his table manners if I didn't connect it with his weight gain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I do think the accent thing is mirror neurons or something empathy based. I did speak to him but it has not stopped. But like - a white dude should not be speaking to a latino immigrant with a kind of hybrid Mexican accent! Urgh.

https://blog.pimsleur.com/2021/12/06/why-do-people-mimic-accents/

There is recent research indicating that people who are good at accent mimicking are innately more talented than the rest of us, so that's something to consider while judging your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has really smelly farts all the time. Drives me crazy and awkward with guests. Tried to tell him to get it checked out, but he refuses.

Slip him some probiotics.

Smelly farts are the sign of a healthy and active gut fermenting waste product.

He needs to learn to have courtesy enough to step out of the room to pass gas, especially in the company of guests. I doubt very much there is anything wrong with his gut, the problem is in his manners.

+1
no one should ever ever ever feel comfortable to fart in front of guests! it's fine to tell him that in no uncertain terms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH goes to sleep around 750pm every day. He does have to wake up early, but it seems like he can’t stay awake past 8pm to save his life. Then I have to listen to his loud and scary snoring for hours. He wears clothes from Costco.

Over the last few years he has let his teeth deteriorate and will not go to the dentist. I think he’s embarrassed.

But I’m reaching a boiling point on these things (among others). He is a very good father and provider, but I feel like that’s all he is to me now. I’ve tried to talk to him about these things and it goes no where.

Your DH has sleep apnea, get him to the doctor. That is absolutely text book signs.

isn't sleep apnea waking yourself up with a start?

Sometimes, but not always. Many people with apnea don't realize they have apnea because they don't ever wake fully, but their brain wakes from restful sleep to minimal sleep many times per night in effort to get the body to breathe again. It's very destructive to mental health because of the chronic sleep deprivation and also to organ health because of the chronic low O2 saturation due to apnea episodes throughout the night - Carrie Fisher died due to the complications of untreated sleep apnea https://sleepeducation.org/death-carrie-fisher-warning-sleep-apnea/ and those complications are epidemic in our society, there are millions of people living with untreated apnea. Snoring is a common sympton in folks with apnea, but some don't snore much if at all, so it's really important to get tested, especially if you've gained weight in adulthood or have been overweigh/obese since childhood - some people with apnea are normal weight and the structures in their throats are just faulty, many people with apnea are overweight/obese and the fat in the throat area is causing them to stop breathing properly in sleep.


As to the issue with teeth - poster, you should sit down with some research in hand and talk to your husband about what his quality of life will be like in another decade of two when his teeth have deteriorated to the point that he can't properly chew food. I've been in healthcare for a decade with folks from midlife into elder years and it's very sad to see people who cannot eat properly because they neglected dental care in their younger years. Dentures are not fun, and implants are the only solid choice once teeth have severely deteriorated, and they are hella expensive. He needs to get to a dentist now or start saving for the $50-90k he'll need to replace his teeth if he doesn't get going on salvaging what's left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has really smelly farts all the time. Drives me crazy and awkward with guests. Tried to tell him to get it checked out, but he refuses.

Slip him some probiotics.

Smelly farts are the sign of a healthy and active gut fermenting waste product.

He needs to learn to have courtesy enough to step out of the room to pass gas, especially in the company of guests. I doubt very much there is anything wrong with his gut, the problem is in his manners.

Sure. But for me it's a sign that I'm eating too much sugar or dairy. Clearly my gut is working. But when I drop the sugar and dairy, I stop farting. So what's behind the farts?

[Anonymous]

I think we all have things about our spouse that are a bit cringe. My spouse talks - a lot. Not about himself but if you mention a vacation he will ask you 20 questions about it. Not in a creepy way, he is just genuinely interested. He barely drinks alcohol and yet we’re often the ones to close down a party. Sometimes I worry people are trapped in a conversation with him. When we’re hosting, I worry he doesn’t circulate and spends an entire party talking to 1 or 2 people.

Here is what I do. Nothing. If we’re at a wedding or other long event with appetizers, I will bring him a small plate of food or a drink every once in a while to help him recognize the passage of time. He will literally start talking 15 feet inside the door and not move for 2 hours otherwise. The people he is talking to are adults. They can end the conversation and move on if they want to. He is my spouse, but his behavior does not reflect on me. Also it’s 90% my hang up as a more shy, introverted person. People often go out of their way to tell me how nice and interesting he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband has really smelly farts all the time. Drives me crazy and awkward with guests. Tried to tell him to get it checked out, but he refuses.

Slip him some probiotics.

Smelly farts are the sign of a healthy and active gut fermenting waste product.

He needs to learn to have courtesy enough to step out of the room to pass gas, especially in the company of guests. I doubt very much there is anything wrong with his gut, the problem is in his manners.

Sure. But for me it's a sign that I'm eating too much sugar or dairy. Clearly my gut is working. But when I drop the sugar and dairy, I stop farting. So what's behind the farts?

Healthy? There are regular farts and then there are gagging, clear the room farts. My kids cannot eat FiberOne bars or anything with chicory root in it. One time the kids were eating these “breakfast bars” for snacks because we thought they were a lower sugar alternative to granola bars. We had to ban them after a road trip where we almost had to pull the car over to vomit from the stench.

If your spouse is taking fiber supplements or strictly following keto, there may be a dietary change that will quickly help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH is an immigrant and still doesn’t know where or what Massachusetts is. I just find it galling that someone could live in a country for 15+ years and be so uninterested in where they live that they don’t have a grasp of major regions. Yes, I showed him a map. Yes I told him that’s where Harvard is. It bothers me that Massachusetts has come up several times in conversation with outside people and he is still so, so confused. He gets this panicked blank look that only I understand. He is similarly disinterested in a lot of things about America including basics about politics and it still bugs me. But otherwise he is a good husband and pretty intelligent.

😂😂

I would not worry about this unless you live in a neighboring state where it comes up often.

I am from the Great Lakes / Upper Midwest and the percentage of native born US citizens who do not know the difference between Indiana and Illinois or Minnesota and Wisconsin are staggeringly high. My spouse is from NJ and the coastline of NJ and how all the Eastern states like NJ/PA/DE/MD have Eastern borders that split peninsulas defies my spatial reasoning and I cannot for the life of me add that new information to my brain in adulthood. I am from a region where state borders are straight lines or rivers!