My mother-in-law called me a "sadsack"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a person who SAHMed for years, I discourage young women to do that. Not unsolicited advice but when asked for input. Times have changed. Marriages and career both are unreliable and you need to stay independent and on track.

However, your MIL's input was uncalled for. It's none of her business. She can have opinions but you don't need to receive them. You did nothing wrong by expressing your opinion of her opinion. It's better than resenting her for that and to remind her of respecting your autonomy and boundaries. Now forget it and make your decisions based on how you want to live your life, not how your MIL wants you to live.

OP isnt SAHM. She's decompressing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

What gave you the impression the mil is funding anything? Do you depend on your in laws financially?!

I'm the OP. We don't depend on them at all. They have a troubled son who has been in and out of expensive rehabs and has drained a lot of their money, actually.

Wow, and you don't think they might be concerned when they see their other son dropping from 2 incomes to 1 as a potential issue? Do you always have this much contempt for your partners parents?

I am truly not seeing the contempt in this at all. What on earth are you talking about? Also, how does someone's choice to quit a job relate in any way to someone else's rehab stay? Should this person continue working in case they need to pay for rehab? Huh??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My DH makes enough money for me not to work right now. I quit a job that I hated last year and haven't looked for a new one. My kids are in school all day now. I'm enjoying for the first time in 20 years a chance to just decompress.
Over the weekend, my ILs came over to babysit. My MIL, half-jokingly, asked me when I was going to stop "sitting around like a sadsack." I don't know if she thinks I'm depressed and that's why I don't work or what, but it was really offensive and caught me off guard in the moment. As background - she is a retired lawyer and so is her husband. She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.
I sat with it for a few days and then emailed her to say that I was hurt by her remarks and that I'm enjoying some much-needed time off.
She hasn't responded yet but I'm still fuming. My DH said he understood my feelings but that working and ambition is very important to his mother, she worked hard to get where she was and that's where she was coming from.
My MIL is not on this forum I don't think (she's way too busy for that) so here I am venting about it...

When last year?

I mean, there's taking break, and then there's being lazy and a mooch.

So if it was like November or something, it's probably time to get with the job hunt. If it was March of April, you're into mooch territory and my guess is your DH is actually annoyed and said something to his mother.

I'm OP. Not planning to work for a while. My DH is fine with it. We can afford it. What do you mean by mooch territory? That's really offensive and in my mind anti-feminist! Wow. But I guess I know that my MIL is not alone in her mindset!

Ok then. For awhile.
Might want to better quantify that.

Have you already told your own parents and in laws this? If so they shouldn’t be calling you a Sad Sack unless you actually look sad or actually plan in bever working full time again.

None of MIL’s business. I would just keep her at a distance. She obviously is not a nice person.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Hi! I'm the OP and feel good about my choice, but not great about someone calling me a sadsack. It was inappropriate and has nothing to do with how I feel about not working.

What you aren't answering is how does DH feel about it? Only then can we determine where this is coming from. I mean, to me this screams DH is talking to his mom about it.

He encouraged it and is delighted. I was never home before and always stressed. He barely speaks to his mother.

So why is this such a big deal?

Idk I'm getting troll vibes now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a person who SAHMed for years, I discourage young women to do that. Not unsolicited advice but when asked for input. Times have changed. Marriages and career both are unreliable and you need to stay independent and on track.

However, your MIL's input was uncalled for. It's none of her business. She can have opinions but you don't need to receive them. You did nothing wrong by expressing your opinion of her opinion. It's better than resenting her for that and to remind her of respecting your autonomy and boundaries. Now forget it and make your decisions based on how you want to live your life, not how your MIL wants you to live.

OP isnt SAHM. She's decompressing.

I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A "sad sack" sounds like you've been wallowing and complaining. Not just sitting around.

Have you been?

Get a routine, some goals, a rough plan towards achieving them. Spring is a great time for that every year. And keep enjoying your kids. Don't worry about MIL or her comment. She'll hopefully call you and apologize; she's probably more concerned about mental health than income or your resume.

Humans need routine and goals.

Pp why do you assume op doesn't have a routine? Or goals? You sound just like the mil

[Anonymous]

MIL is rude and has crossed boundaries.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

What gave you the impression the mil is funding anything? Do you depend on your in laws financially?!

I'm the OP. We don't depend on them at all. They have a troubled son who has been in and out of expensive rehabs and has drained a lot of their money, actually.

Wow, and you don't think they might be concerned when they see their other son dropping from 2 incomes to 1 as a potential issue? Do you always have this much contempt for your partners parents?

I quit a high paying biglaw job. I didn’t tell anyone but DH my plans. Not anyone else’s business. If our parents want to be concerned about something that doesn’t involved them, I guess that is their prerogative. But I don’t owe them an explanation.

[Anonymous]

OP as a SAHM, I’m empathetic that people make comments. Really.

But I think you have to be able to let things roll off sometimes. The idea of emailing about this days later is kind of nuts to me. What are you going for? If she apologizes, it probably won’t be sincere anyway. She was clearly out of line so you don’t need to police this. You can just discard it. Among other things, it’s not really any of her business. And you don’t need her approval.

If anything, you might think about what you’ll say next time if she brings it up again and you’d like to be prepared. But I think making it a multi day affair is over the top.

[Anonymous]

Anon[b wrote:ymous]MIL is rude and has crossed boundaries. [/quot[/b]e]

NO, she hasn't. OP just wants to whine and you liberal MIL haters pile on and she knows you will do that. MIL just made a fleeting comment. OP is worked up and you all feed into that. tell op to grow up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all this, I wonder what DH's opinion is. It doesn't sound like OP is ever going back to work, and taking time to decompress is just a way of saying she's done. Has DH actually discussed this with his mom and she's being the bad guy for him? Where does their retirement savings stand? 529s? And God forbid if the ILs helped fund 529s or anything else for them if now DIL is not working.

Is it any of MIL's business? No. But there is basically some information missing here.

I agree. Lol @ OP calling it "Decompressing" and not working "right now". She can't even own her situation and tries to minimize it.

Also to point out: She worked all the time and values that in a person so I imagine my choosing not to work is foreign and lazy for her to comprehend.

This is really it. She just cant comprehend it.

I think you're reading a lot into this situation. She can't even "own" her situation! Why does anyone need to? LIVE AND LET LIVE BAYBEEEEEEE

She literally stewed about this and then sent a nasty email to MIL LOL
Shes very insecure about it. Women who are happy with their choices dont do that. Dont feel the need to do that. Shes lying to herself and an anon forum even in her OP. It's really sad, because she has a great situation IMO.

Strange take. It’s not normal to call your dil a sad sack, even if she were one. Whether op is insecure or not doesn’t change the fact it was a nasty comment to make.

It was not a nice comment, I agree. If she's concerned with her sons financial health (which is debatable if its even her business) she should have asked in a different way.

Actually it isn’t debatable. It is NOT her business.

If she's funding part of it it could certainly be.

What gave you the impression the mil is funding anything? Do you depend on your in laws financially?!

I'm the OP. We don't depend on them at all. They have a troubled son who has been in and out of expensive rehabs and has drained a lot of their money, actually.

Wow, and you don't think they might be concerned when they see their other son dropping from 2 incomes to 1 as a potential issue? Do you always have this much contempt for your partners parents?

I am truly not seeing the contempt in this at all. What on earth are you talking about? Also, how does someone's choice to quit a job relate in any way to someone else's rehab stay? Should this person continue working in case they need to pay for rehab? Huh??

Plus if MIL is “concerned” that doesn’t mean she gets to lob insults.

[Anonymous]

No smart lawyer or decent human would approach the subject by randomly shaming someone. They would talk to the person in private and advice empathetically.

[Anonymous]

*advise

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM who has been home longer than I or anyone else thought.

Frankly I’m still at home because I’m pretty darn happy and we have plenty of money and there’s no job I really want. I have my family and my hobbies (which are passions) and that’s plenty for me. I see no reason to sit behind a desk just so I can draw a paycheck to say I do. I’m set in a divorce too.

But because I’m pretty okay with that, a comment like your MIL’s wouldn’t get under my skin. If my MIL said that I’d probably just say what I wrote above or just let it go if I didn’t want to bother. I like my MIL so I would probably say something. But my FIL I’d just ignore.

So if it’s getting under your skin you may just be adjusting. It’s okay for it to be a big adjustment! As others have mentioned, there’s a real risk of depression. Some people really need the routine of formal employment. And there’s a big humility adjustment if your job was previously a big part of your identity. You’re going to have to be okay with yourself without it if you don’t want to go back. But that’s internal work, it’s not your MIL’s responsibility or anyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

We never told my mil, when I took a career pause. Her comments are just awful and I didn’t want to hear it. Once she told me what a privileged upbringing I had. Really, I grew up with free school lunches and lack of basics.