How to shut down critical comments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

That didn't happen in my family. I have a greatest generation set of grandparents who were always fun and kind and hardworking. Their children are meaner. Possibly their parents were also meaner. Maybe they just had an easier life? I'm not sure.

The silent generation was less involved and more focused on etiquette than the boomers. I never heard our grandmothers be critical because they would do it out of earshot. They also weren’t around as much while the boomers seem to inject themselves constantly. Boomers do not care if anyone overhears their rude comments.

It also depends if there is mental illness in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example? Is this like...Liz that shade of blue is not good for you? Liz, your jeans are so last year? Liz, your hips are too wide to wear leggings?

Most recently it was proclamations about me to anyone that was within listening distance: “Oh, she looks so uncomfortable. . .” Followed by laughter. Over and over again.

In your own house?? Tell her "your lack of social skills is shocking. Here's your coat - bye!!"

[Anonymous]

Pause.

“Are you okay?”

“Are you sure?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Not having to hold their tongues anymore.

Brutal honesty (in their opinion) used to be seen as helpful. For some of them I wonder if it really is an age thing. Their filter is lessening, they don't and maybe can't see that their comments are hurtful. My mom is 78 and I've noticed a change in the last 5 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a never-ending fountain of thinly veiled insults and blatant criticism of pretty much everything around here. Like me, I suspect you have 2 choices for how to handle it. First, you can say something confrontational (take your pic of the responses on the thread), but then you'll have started an argument or at least put a strain on the relationship moreso than was there before. Second, you can ignore or deflect it (i.e. silence, change of subject, or "it's a work in progress" kind of answer). Neither one will solve the problem, because you cannot change other people's behavior. You can only change your reaction to them. If a rude retort from you shuts them up, then great. If it makes them get ruder and more confrontational, then try ignoring or deflecting. Try different things, choose one, and if nothing works to shut them up then just avoid them in the future.

Explandinf on this with Chat GPT

Navigating relationships with in-laws, especially when faced with constant criticism, can be particularly challenging. It seems you've given this situation a lot of thought and are weighing your options carefully. Your insight that we cannot change others' behavior, only our reactions to it, is very wise and a crucial point in handling such dynamics.

Your two proposed approaches—confrontation and deflection—each have their merits and potential drawbacks, depending on the context and personalities involved. Here are some additional thoughts and strategies that might help you navigate this situation:

### Confrontational Approach:
- If you choose to confront, consider doing so in a calm and non-accusative manner. Expressing how the comments make you feel, rather than blaming, might lead to a more productive conversation. Phrases like "I feel hurt when comments like these are made" focus on your feelings and can be less likely to provoke defensiveness.
- Setting boundaries is also important. You might say, "I value our relationship and want to enjoy our time together, so let's focus on the positive aspects."

### Deflection Approach:
- Deflecting with humor or a lighthearted comment can sometimes diffuse the tension without ignoring the issue. This requires a bit of finesse, as the goal is to steer the conversation away without dismissing your feelings.
- Engaging in active listening can sometimes soften the criticizer. By showing you're willing to listen, even if you don't agree, you can sometimes reduce the negativity. This doesn't mean accepting the criticism but understanding the intent behind it.

### Additional Strategies:
- **Seek Support**: Discuss the situation with your spouse or partner. It's crucial they understand how these comments affect you and that you work together to address the issue, especially since it involves their family member.
- **Pick Your Battles**: Not every critical comment warrants a response. Sometimes, letting minor things slide can preserve peace without compromising your self-respect.
- **Self-Care**: Dealing with constant criticism can be draining. Ensure you're taking care of your mental and emotional health, seeking support from friends, or even a professional if needed.

### Long-Term Considerations:
- If the situation doesn't improve despite your efforts, limiting your exposure to such negativity might be necessary for your well-being. This doesn't necessarily mean cutting ties but perhaps reducing the frequency and duration of visits.
- Remember, maintaining your dignity and mental health is paramount. While family relationships are important, they should not come at the expense of your well-being.

Ultimately, the right approach depends on your specific circumstances, including the nature of your relationship with your MIL, your personality, and what you're comfortable with. It might take some experimentation to find the right balance, but your well-being and peace of mind should always be a priority.

This would be very helpful if OP were looking for assistance with a middle school essay assignment. Otherwise, why are you wasting everyone's time by posting chatgpt? It's little better than spam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

That didn't happen in my family. I have a greatest generation set of grandparents who were always fun and kind and hardworking. Their children are meaner. Possibly their parents were also meaner. Maybe they just had an easier life? I'm not sure.

Oh for goodness sake, stop with the generation-blaming. Horrible MIL's have been a thing since way before the boomers were even born. In pursuit of a PhD dissertation, I once came across a fascinating government study (different country) from the 1700's, which found that the decline of the traditional family unit (extended family living under one roof) in this particular country was primarily due to the inability of younger wives to live with their MIL's. MIL's are so bad they literally changed the course of history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stare blankly at the person for 3 seconds, then completely ignore the comment.

This is what I do to my FIL, who frequently makes rude or insensitive comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

I don’t know, but my MIL does this all the time. “Wow, you look so tired!” “Omg, you suddenly look SO pregnant, you’re huge.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

I don’t know, but my MIL does this all the time. “Wow, you look so tired!” “Omg, you suddenly look SO pregnant, you’re huge.”

So what do you do?

[Anonymous]

And are you really pregnant or is she just saying you look fat?

[Anonymous]

I hate it and I have less and less patience for it. My mil is the main culprit. She'll tell me I look tired. I just say oh really? I feel really great. And I smile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

I don’t know, but my MIL does this all the time. “Wow, you look so tired!” “Omg, you suddenly look SO pregnant, you’re huge.”

So what do you do?

Sometimes a blank stare, sometimes a deadpan “oh, ok.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And are you really pregnant or is she just saying you look fat?

I was pregnant, but even when you’re pregnant, you don’t want to hear “you’re huge”