How to shut down critical comments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

[Anonymous]

Also, no one went to therapy because it either wasn't available or they couldn't afford it, or was taught therapy was "bad". At least in my family.

My generation (Genx) was the first to even consider therapy, and then not everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

That didn't happen in my family. I have a greatest generation set of grandparents who were always fun and kind and hardworking. Their children are meaner. Possibly their parents were also meaner. Maybe they just had an easier life? I'm not sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

That didn't happen in my family. I have a greatest generation set of grandparents who were always fun and kind and hardworking. Their children are meaner. Possibly their parents were also meaner. Maybe they just had an easier life? I'm not sure.

The silent generation was less involved and more focused on etiquette than the boomers. I never heard our grandmothers be critical because they would do it out of earshot. They also weren’t around as much while the boomers seem to inject themselves constantly. Boomers do not care if anyone overhears their rude comments.

[Anonymous]

IDK, I'm a Boomer. This is how I approach things: If I wouldn't say it to a friend, I don't say it to my grown daughter or grown son.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a never-ending fountain of thinly veiled insults and blatant criticism of pretty much everything around here. Like me, I suspect you have 2 choices for how to handle it. First, you can say something confrontational (take your pic of the responses on the thread), but then you'll have started an argument or at least put a strain on the relationship moreso than was there before. Second, you can ignore or deflect it (i.e. silence, change of subject, or "it's a work in progress" kind of answer). Neither one will solve the problem, because you cannot change other people's behavior. You can only change your reaction to them. If a rude retort from you shuts them up, then great. If it makes them get ruder and more confrontational, then try ignoring or deflecting. Try different things, choose one, and if nothing works to shut them up then just avoid them in the future.

[Anonymous]

In the book The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense, it is suggested to go into “computer mode” or another mode to remove the wind from their sails.


Rules of Engagement
Whenever you are attacked:

Ignore the bait
Respond to the presupposed attack
Send the message you’re not playing their game

More detail here:

https://thepowermoves.com/the-gentle-art-of-verbal-self-defense/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say, "That's funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion."

I say this to my mom and her answer is "Well I was just trying to help. Nobody else is going to be honest or say it to your face. That's my job." So, no, that doesn't work on everyone it just leads to doubling down.

"And my job is to protect myself and my family from rude, unkind people. So you can either apologize and stop this immature behavior, or you can leave. If you leave, you won't be coming back until you apologize. What's your choice, apologize and stay, or leave now?"

This doesn't work. They will just say you are unkind.

That's rude somewhat works but then they pull the old I'm just trying to help garbage or I'm just worried garbage.

I kind of like the stare blankly one.

Actually, this does work. It is the only level of boundary that worked for two women in my family. And no, they didn’t continue saying unkind things. And by the way, you telling a complete stranger who has different strategies and viewpoints from you that their actual experience “doesn’t work” is dismissive and rude.

[Anonymous]

I tend to be proactive with setting boundaries with the nutty ones. It usually doesn't get received well, but they learn to either respect the boundary or not be invited over. I believe in giving every person multiple chances to self-correct and be respectful, but if a relative kept doing that even after many chances I would then shift to see if said relative behaves when we meet at a public place instead.

[Anonymous]

Chat GPT

Shutting down critical comments, especially from relatives or close acquaintances, requires a firm but composed response. Your goal is to set a boundary without escalating the situation. Here are some concise and effective ways to respond:

1. **"I appreciate your concern, but I'm comfortable with my choices."** This acknowledges the comment without agreeing or opening up for further discussion.

2. **"Let's focus on more positive topics."** This subtly shifts the conversation away from criticism and towards something more constructive.

3. **"I prefer not to discuss my appearance."** This sets a clear boundary about what topics are off-limits.

4. **"I'm happy with how I look, thanks."** This shows confidence in your choices and dismisses the need for their approval.

5. **"Comments about my appearance aren't welcome."** This is a bit more direct and makes it clear that such remarks are inappropriate.

6. **"Wow."** Sometimes, a simple expression of disbelief at the rudeness can make the critic rethink their words without you having to elaborate.

7. **"I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful, but that comment was unnecessary."** This gives the critic the benefit of the doubt while still pointing out the inappropriateness of their comment.

8. **Change the subject abruptly.** If you don't wish to address the comment directly, swiftly changing the topic can signal your disinterest in engaging with negative remarks.

In any of these responses, maintaining a calm and steady tone is crucial. It helps convey that you're in control of the situation and are not rattled by their comments. Over time, consistently shutting down these critiques should help reduce their frequency as the critic learns that such comments won't elicit the reaction or attention they might be seeking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is a never-ending fountain of thinly veiled insults and blatant criticism of pretty much everything around here. Like me, I suspect you have 2 choices for how to handle it. First, you can say something confrontational (take your pic of the responses on the thread), but then you'll have started an argument or at least put a strain on the relationship moreso than was there before. Second, you can ignore or deflect it (i.e. silence, change of subject, or "it's a work in progress" kind of answer). Neither one will solve the problem, because you cannot change other people's behavior. You can only change your reaction to them. If a rude retort from you shuts them up, then great. If it makes them get ruder and more confrontational, then try ignoring or deflecting. Try different things, choose one, and if nothing works to shut them up then just avoid them in the future.

Explandinf on this with Chat GPT

Navigating relationships with in-laws, especially when faced with constant criticism, can be particularly challenging. It seems you've given this situation a lot of thought and are weighing your options carefully. Your insight that we cannot change others' behavior, only our reactions to it, is very wise and a crucial point in handling such dynamics.

Your two proposed approaches—confrontation and deflection—each have their merits and potential drawbacks, depending on the context and personalities involved. Here are some additional thoughts and strategies that might help you navigate this situation:

### Confrontational Approach:
- If you choose to confront, consider doing so in a calm and non-accusative manner. Expressing how the comments make you feel, rather than blaming, might lead to a more productive conversation. Phrases like "I feel hurt when comments like these are made" focus on your feelings and can be less likely to provoke defensiveness.
- Setting boundaries is also important. You might say, "I value our relationship and want to enjoy our time together, so let's focus on the positive aspects."

### Deflection Approach:
- Deflecting with humor or a lighthearted comment can sometimes diffuse the tension without ignoring the issue. This requires a bit of finesse, as the goal is to steer the conversation away without dismissing your feelings.
- Engaging in active listening can sometimes soften the criticizer. By showing you're willing to listen, even if you don't agree, you can sometimes reduce the negativity. This doesn't mean accepting the criticism but understanding the intent behind it.

### Additional Strategies:
- **Seek Support**: Discuss the situation with your spouse or partner. It's crucial they understand how these comments affect you and that you work together to address the issue, especially since it involves their family member.
- **Pick Your Battles**: Not every critical comment warrants a response. Sometimes, letting minor things slide can preserve peace without compromising your self-respect.
- **Self-Care**: Dealing with constant criticism can be draining. Ensure you're taking care of your mental and emotional health, seeking support from friends, or even a professional if needed.

### Long-Term Considerations:
- If the situation doesn't improve despite your efforts, limiting your exposure to such negativity might be necessary for your well-being. This doesn't necessarily mean cutting ties but perhaps reducing the frequency and duration of visits.
- Remember, maintaining your dignity and mental health is paramount. While family relationships are important, they should not come at the expense of your well-being.

Ultimately, the right approach depends on your specific circumstances, including the nature of your relationship with your MIL, your personality, and what you're comfortable with. It might take some experimentation to find the right balance, but your well-being and peace of mind should always be a priority.

[Anonymous]

You could consider reaching out and hiring the DCUM site admin. They seem to be really quick at shutting down any topic that doesn’t align with their worldview. So maybe they could offer this as a service?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, no one went to therapy because it either wasn't available or they couldn't afford it, or was taught therapy was "bad". At least in my family.

My generation (Genx) was the first to even consider therapy, and then not everyone.

Don’t forget lead poisoning. This realization really helped me deal with my boomer dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I really like my house and am not interested in your criticism."

I would address it head on.

I like this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.

Probably because someone did it to them, and then when they were "in charge" as the oldest member of the family, they wanted to do the same thing to others. At least that's how it worked in my family.

+1

Not saying it is excused or appropriate behavior, because it is not, but it is generational. Shut it down quick and painless: "that was rude". Done.