How to shut down critical comments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:oof, seems like a good time to roll out the ol'
"opinions are like a**holes"

but genuinely, sometimes I like
"what was the point of that response?" or
"can you talk me through your thinking here?"

Asking them to explain is just inviting them to rationalize their rudeness. I had a friend who was really rude to me. Next time I saw her, she approached me "to talk," but really she just wanted the chance to explain why she said what she said which in effect was her rationalizing her nastiness.

I think asking them to talk you through it is just being disingenuous because they will understand it as a sincere attempt to understand their thinking. When in reality you probably already know... they say rude things because they're as&holes.

[Anonymous]

Stare at them for 4 seconds. Then shake your head saying "Oh wow I just hallucinated that you insulted my home. Haha!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I either ignore completely or if it’s something more dramatic, I say “I’m sorry, what did you say?” Then when they repeat it I say, “Oh, I thought I must have been mistaken.” Then I change the subject. It helps that I can raise one eyebrow.

NP. Good advice, and bonus points if you can manage to do this in front of an audience of your family members or friends. When a family member made a comment about my appearance in front of a 70-something British aunt, I cheerfully said, “oh, she always makes comments about my looks.” The aging aunt looked shocked and the perp never did it again, even in private.

The goal is to get a rise out of you. As many of these responses have suggested, don’t give them payback by responding to the bait.

[Anonymous]

"Well, that was rude. Would you like to apologize, or are you going to leave?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say, "That's funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion."

I say this to my mom and her answer is "Well I was just trying to help. Nobody else is going to be honest or say it to your face. That's my job." So, no, that doesn't work on everyone it just leads to doubling down.

"I didn't hire you for that job, and you don't get to appoint yourself to the position. I'm an adult. Your work is done."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say, "That's funny, I don't remember asking for your opinion."

I say this to my mom and her answer is "Well I was just trying to help. Nobody else is going to be honest or say it to your face. That's my job." So, no, that doesn't work on everyone it just leads to doubling down.

"And my job is to protect myself and my family from rude, unkind people. So you can either apologize and stop this immature behavior, or you can leave. If you leave, you won't be coming back until you apologize. What's your choice, apologize and stay, or leave now?"

This doesn't work. They will just say you are unkind.

That's rude somewhat works but then they pull the old I'm just trying to help garbage or I'm just worried garbage.

I kind of like the stare blankly one.

[Anonymous]

Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell people how their behavior affects me more so than stating that a behavior is rude. And, I explain the consequences of bad behavior. So, rather than giving men a stare or saying "That's not a nice thing to say" I say: "What you just said really hurt my feelings and makes me feel like garbage. I expect the people in my life to treat me kindly and lift me up. If you can't do that, please stop talking to me."

This gives them the satisfaction of knowing they got to you. People who say hurtful things feed off of your hurt. I'm dealing with such a person currently. I think I will try the blank stare method, because words haven't helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Well, that was rude. Would you like to apologize, or are you going to leave?"

I like this one too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

It’s not just boomer women, sweetie. My GenX DD deals with it

Thanks for showing us that millennials/GenX/whatever you are are also adept at naked insults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

It’s not just boomer women, sweetie. My GenX DD deals with it

Thanks for showing us that millennials/GenX/whatever you are are also adept at naked insults.

Is that true? I don't see a lot of younger women "caring" as a way of giving an insult. Maybe they do. I just haven't seen it as much. I could see Gen x because they are older. I was thinking maybe it was a generational thing. I think different generations are critical in different ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

It’s not just boomer women, sweetie. My GenX DD deals with it

Thanks for showing us that millennials/GenX/whatever you are are also adept at naked insults.

Is that true? I don't see a lot of younger women "caring" as a way of giving an insult. Maybe they do. I just haven't seen it as much. I could see Gen x because they are older. I was thinking maybe it was a generational thing. I think different generations are critical in different ways.

To clarity I think younger generations are just meaner. They might get offended easily while boomer women pretend not to be offended but then make offensive "helping" comments. I think it's partly age. I'm older and wiser. And partly the generation where maybe that was how people displayed criticism.

[Anonymous]

Just say "wow" and keep on going.

For me, these are mostly older relatives who have been mean all their lives, and they don't plan to stop now. I just invite them into my house less or not at all now.

It's really hard to shut these people down, because they don't care. Best just to limit contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just ask, where did all these boomer women get the idea that they can make insulting comments (like wow you look pregnant in that dress) under the auspice of helping or caring? What in their generation encouraged this practice?

Their parents. My silent generation parents did this, and my grandparents also did this. Back in the day, at least in my family, you were just supposed to accept that your parents and grandparents emotionally abused you all the time.

Now, I have to actively try not to say mean stuff, as a Gen Xer, because it will just pop out of my mouth if I don't screen it with my brain first. Why? It's the way all older people in my life treated me and I want to break the cycle.

Why do you think this was popular? Just being older and wiser and the head of the family and so they got to not think about what they said?

Now I think people are just meaner without the hierarchy.