Middle schooler won't get up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar issue with my 15 yr old and nothing has worked either. We worked with a family therapist and even she is stumped. Every day same battle.

I have set a time when we will leave for a ride to the bus stop. My other child is not an issue be ready on time so if my 15 yr old isn't ready I have left her. This has led to hysterics. Once I drove her all the way to school. The second time she convinced my DH to drive her behind my back while I was driving my other kid. But after that I have held firm. She then started saying well I don't care if I am late or go at all.

So we told her she had to find her own ride. She started getting her boyfriend to pay for her Ubers. I threatened to go to his parents over it to instruct him to stop but she told him he had to stop. She sometimes has gotten upperclassmen to pick her up.

She isn't motivated at all to cooperate. She doesn't care if her phone gets taken, if we take money out of her allowance, if she gets grounded from activities. Nothing works. The family therapist is the idiot who suggested threatening her to have to pay for her own Ubers to school which I didn't want to use as strategy, I warned her it would backfire, my DH used it anyway and it backfired exactly how I predicted.

I have no practical suggestion, just know I can commiserate. It sucks.

I hope you are exaggerating.

I know, my heart breaks for her daughter.

[Anonymous]

if she’s not up 10 minutes after alarm goes off Drop her off 1/4 a mile from school, she can walk the rest of the way. Next day make it 1/2 mile, and so on. Doubt you’ll make it past 1 mile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suggest you talk to the pediatrician to rule out any medical issues that cause excessive sleepiness. Consider that 9–16% of US female adolescents are iron deficient while 2–5% are anemic, and iron deficiency can cause excessive tiredness and irritability.

This.

My son was the same way- turns out he had sleep apnea and had his tonsils and adenoids removed. He is a different person since he had the surgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

What school is this?

Definitely private. Public schools don’t punish anyone for anything anymore. It might hurt their feelings and wouldn’t be “equitable.”

[Anonymous]

But I don’t think OP has answered about whether her DD deals with similar issues throughout her life or just in waking up. If it’s just waking up, they need to hold firm on good sleep habits for a couple weeks before seeing a doctor.

What are weekend bedtimes? When about weeknights? Is she getting enough physical activity during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You leave at X time, and if she's not in the car you leave without her. Do you have to go straight to work right after dropping them off?
How far is school? Is it walkable-meaning a safe walk with sidewalks? If it's less than five miles away with sidewalks, that's walkable. If it's more than five miles and/or there's no sidewalks, then you drive her after you get back--but no excuse notes. She takes the unexcused tardy.
At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

Five miles? Get real.

Five miles is real. Middle schoolers are more than capable of walking five miles.

Inside the beltway? That’s insane. They would be walking through busy dangerous intersections and sketchy areas, if they walked five miles. It would take hours and hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

What school is this?

Definitely private. Public schools don’t punish anyone for anything anymore. It might hurt their feelings and wouldn’t be “equitable.”

No, it's a public. I have no idea if the school actually follows through with the detention because my kid has never been tardy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You leave at X time, and if she's not in the car you leave without her. Do you have to go straight to work right after dropping them off?
How far is school? Is it walkable-meaning a safe walk with sidewalks? If it's less than five miles away with sidewalks, that's walkable. If it's more than five miles and/or there's no sidewalks, then you drive her after you get back--but no excuse notes. She takes the unexcused tardy.
At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

Five miles? Get real.

Five miles is real. Middle schoolers are more than capable of walking five miles.

Inside the beltway? That’s insane. They would be walking through busy dangerous intersections and sketchy areas, if they walked five miles. It would take hours and hours.

I have no idea if OP lives inside the beltway. I'm just saying that in general, if it's a safe walk, and missing the bus was a consistent problem with my kid, I would have them walk to school when they miss the bus. I would do that for a distance up to five miles.
OP never said how far the school is from her house.

[Anonymous]

My kids were like this. It got better by high school because they went to different schools. DS could get himself to the bus stop at 6:50 no problem, sometimes we didn’t even get out of bed. DD, with ADHD, would not get out of bed. We had to drive her to school but ultimately we went with consequences. If she chose to be late, the school had consequences. After a couple of detentions that made her miss after school sports she got up on time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You leave at X time, and if she's not in the car you leave without her. Do you have to go straight to work right after dropping them off?
How far is school? Is it walkable-meaning a safe walk with sidewalks? If it's less than five miles away with sidewalks, that's walkable. If it's more than five miles and/or there's no sidewalks, then you drive her after you get back--but no excuse notes. She takes the unexcused tardy.
At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

Five miles? Get real.

Five miles is real. Middle schoolers are more than capable of walking five miles.

It is patently absurd to suggest that a MS aged girl walk 5 miles alone to school.

It's not. It's appropriate natural consequences.

To each their own. I would not send my 11 year old DD on a 5 mile trek alone to school because if something ever happened to her I would not be able to live with myself.

DP and I get it. This is one of the hardest parts about parenting. But you really need to white knuckle through some things for the good of your kid.

You do you, but I am certainly not white knuckling through my 11 year old DD walking 5 miles by herself to school. I see it as a safety issue, you may not see it that way but I do.

Okay. It’s clearly a potential safety issue, but it’s an unlikely safety issue. Fostering independence and confidence in her own abilities matters. You’re not doing your daughter any favors. But yeah, you do you.

What's your plan if she decides to not walk to school? To wander off somewhere, go back home, go shoplifting for lunch, go hangout with the kids who deal fentanyl and carjack? "Natural consequences"?

I'm the pp that said she should walk to school. The parent walks WITH her. The point is not to have her do dangerous things on her own. The point is for her to deal with the consequences.

GMAFB, sure you meant you would walk the 2 hours with your kid. Then what since you don’t have a car, call an Uber to get home? There is zero chance this is what you meant, you’re backtracking because people are calling out the absurdity of an 11 year old girl being made to walk 5 miles alone to school.

Uber? No, mom walks home. One 5 mile walk and mom will stop being a bad parent. Check out my TikTok @5MileCure and my book [I]The Five Mile Cure[I].

[Anonymous]

It’s usually because your kid is pulling late nights on the phone or some other device. If they went to bed at 8pm there’s zero chance they can’t get up by 6am.

Also get a smart light switch that automatically turns the lights on at a set time. Lutron makes really good ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You leave at X time, and if she's not in the car you leave without her. Do you have to go straight to work right after dropping them off?
How far is school? Is it walkable-meaning a safe walk with sidewalks? If it's less than five miles away with sidewalks, that's walkable. If it's more than five miles and/or there's no sidewalks, then you drive her after you get back--but no excuse notes. She takes the unexcused tardy.
At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

What does detention do? When I was in middle school, one year I was in detention for 3 straight months. It didn’t do anything but make me realize the system was broken and rules weren’t following.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You leave at X time, and if she's not in the car you leave without her. Do you have to go straight to work right after dropping them off?
How far is school? Is it walkable-meaning a safe walk with sidewalks? If it's less than five miles away with sidewalks, that's walkable. If it's more than five miles and/or there's no sidewalks, then you drive her after you get back--but no excuse notes. She takes the unexcused tardy.
At my kid's school, three tardies= detention.

What does detention do? When I was in middle school, one year I was in detention for 3 straight months. It didn’t do anything but make me realize the system was broken and rules weren’t following.

*rules weren’t worth following* is what I meant to write

[Anonymous]

My son's bus leaves at 650. Last year, when I had to wake him at 730 for elementary school, it was as you described. We had him tested for sleep apnea and had his tonsils and adenoids removed. It has made a world of difference. In addition, internet turns off at nine and he gets significant physical activity most days. The last week he has come my bedroom at 630 to let me know he is headed downstairs. (So amazing for us). His first alarm goes off at 545 (his choice). He sleeps until 10 on the weekends and he'd do that every day if he could.

[Anonymous]

OP, absent a medical issue consequences come into play. She may not be a morning person but that doesn’t absolve from having to deal with mornings not making everyone’s else’s morning miserable.

Make sure it’s not medical like low iron, sleep apnea, or trouble falling to sleep at night. Work with her on nighttime checklist )make lunch, pick out clothes, pack backpack, etc). After that she gets a loud alarm that she has to get up to turn off, her alarm goes off earlier so she has time to get herself together, she can walk while you ride alongside, loses privileges, etc. Partner with the school social worker and psychologist and 1st period teacher if needed.

Consequences are a natural part of life when you don’t due what is required.