Chill applications thread

[Anonymous]

We basically told our daughter that she was in charge and we would support as needed. It helps that she is a planner and is very well organized. We would answer questions as needed and provide input as requested. While at times she was frustrated with the application process, it was great to see her work through the issues and develop confidence and a level of independence one hopes to see at this age. Overall, she got into 6 out of the 7 she applied to.

[Anonymous]

Three kids, all now in college. Two of them let me (master's in English) read their common app essays, but only as a final check. The third handled absolutely everything on their own.

They all ended up at the right colleges for them, even if my spouse and I in some cases had our doubts.

Additional points: We did offer to pay for a college counselor. They didn't want one. All of them are neurotypical and none of them have LDs. So while some of our hands-off approach was a matter of preference, it was also a luxury that our circumstances permitted it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the point of this thread?

Apparently for parents to show how they are managing their own anxiety.

OP here. But that’s the thing - I started this thread for all of us who DON’T have anxiety over the process. There are 10,000 threads of parents freaking out. Can’t we have one non freak out thread?

But there was no question in your original post other than let’s brag about how our kids are better than others and/or let’s brag about how we are better parents. Either way, annoying even of one has a chill kid because bragging makes it not chill at all.

DP.
I don’t see bragging here. I see some parents commenting that the process isn’t causing (or didn’t cause) that much stress. Perhaps that’s because their kids picked only safeties/targets or because the kid is super organized. I then see other posters angry that the college process isn’t causing site-wide anxiety and panic.

It’s a thread for the families approaching this in a “chill” manner. Clearly a number of us exist. We aren’t threatening other families. Can’t we just have a thread that isn’t anxiety-ridden?

[Anonymous]

we didn't pay for a college counselor.

but .. we're gonna be paying 80k+ a year. we've taken her to see several out of town colleges in last year. we've stopped by colleges while we happen to be in cities over last three years. we discussed what makes sense vis a vis undergrad vs grad school money. we thought about overseas universities. I spent a weekend on CSS profile. we limit talk about colleges to Sunday dinner otherwise it would overtake our life.

but, sure, we didn't pay for a college counselor. chill!

[Anonymous]

ironically, I think the chillest parents may have been the ones who paid for a counselor back in 9/10th grade and got a tidy list of advice from there on: curriculum advise for the kid, interesting summer programs with deadline info, manageable list of colleges to visit/research, prompts to get the kid on those essays summer before senior year.

I was the chill parent who sweated a lot of the above instead. Even if kid was the one who kinda mostly came up with the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ironically, I think the chillest parents may have been the ones who paid for a counselor back in 9/10th grade and got a tidy list of advice from there on: curriculum advise for the kid, interesting summer programs with deadline info, manageable list of colleges to visit/research, prompts to get the kid on those essays summer before senior year.

I was the chill parent who sweated a lot of the above instead. Even if kid was the one who kinda mostly came up with the list.

Also- if your kid has 'everything', it's easier to be chill because they will get into one of their 'good' schools on the list. A 4.0 unweighted kid with very high ACT/SAT scores and lots of activities, etc. only has to stress if they limit their choices only to top 20. There are some excellent schools beyond that.

The Ivies or bust kids/family stress due to the 3-5% acceptance rates. We told my kid those schools are a lottery and he has a ticket but it's all chance...and just how many people with the powerball each drawing? It means nothing about him or his achievements if he didn't get in one. Thankfully, none are among his top choices.

[Anonymous]

^ win the powerball

[Anonymous]

Does it count if DS, DH, and I were in an absolute panic prior to DS's top choice's EA deadline, but now feel very zen about the entire thing? Whatever will be will be...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ironically, I think the chillest parents may have been the ones who paid for a counselor back in 9/10th grade and got a tidy list of advice from there on: curriculum advise for the kid, interesting summer programs with deadline info, manageable list of colleges to visit/research, prompts to get the kid on those essays summer before senior year.

Where do I get one of those counselors?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I welcome anyone who has let their kids fill out their own applications, have NOT hired a counsellor or coach, and are letting this be their kids journey, not theirs.

Please come on in and share your stories!

Here’s mine - DD refused to let us look at her essays and supplementals - not even just to proofread. Wasn’t about to fight with her on that. She’s got a good head on her shoulders and I’m sure she will end up exactly where she belongs!

I have a child kind of like that too…will not let us see the essays…wants to “sink or swim” on their own. Part of me is impressed by the confidence and self motivation…part of me is frustrated as heck because I would like to at least proofread them.

IMO, it is a sign of immaturity and arrogance to want to “sink or swim” on your own for important things. Even the top people in any field get review & feedback and make changes based on it. It does not have to be a parent proofreading, it can be another trusted adult.

Meh, I did all that myself as a teen. My parents were barely involved. Not that they wouldn’t have been if I had asked, I just didn’t feel the need. I was a decent writer and wrote and edited my own essays.

I realize “times are different” or whatever, but some kids are confident in their abilities and it isn’t immaturity at all.

Meh, you didn’t even have one teacher or counselor who you trusted to read your essay. How sad for you :-/

Why is it sad? Teachers were writing recommendations for me. And asking for help with essays just wasn't a big thing in the 90s. We had a college counselor at our school if I needed him, but I was pretty self motivated and self assured. I managed to get into multiple schools on my own and don't regret anything about my process. I was actually only 16 doing all of this, too.

I didn't see any of this as life or death. I knew I was a competitive student for most schools and wasn't overly stressed by the process. I think we've made this process more stressful than it needs to be.

I graduated HS in 1988, my husband in 1990. We both did everything ourselves. This was the norm, not the exception. I grew up in Fairfax County at a HS where 95% went onto 4-year colleges. My husband grew up poor where less than half went to 4-year colleges.

He paid some woman to type his essays with his paper route $. I typed all of my essays in the high school typing lab (pre-computers)...with a whole jug of white-out.

My parents told me if I didn't want loans I could only apply in-state. That's what I did.

To say 2023 in the late80s-90s is different in college application process is a complete understatement. It's vastly different and the cost of college subtracting out for normal inflation is astronomically higher nowadays. The test optional and common app and kids applying to 10-15 schools vs 3-4 as the norm (which had to be physically mailed into the school) is another huge difference.

Like weddings--college prep has be come a huge $$$ business.

^and test optional has been an absolute game changer for the worse. It's jacked up the number of applicants to all schools by a ridiculous amount which inherently makes the entire process that much more competitive than the 90s.

shoot, I was thrilled that several of my schools back in the 90s were on common app at the time (fairly new then). We just photo copied my application and mailed them off with checks. My alma mater was on it, but sent a one page supplemental through the mail that had to be filled out and returned for full consideration - that is likely in the app now. I just remember being relieved I didn't have to fill out their application with the ridiculous questions no teenager can reasonably answer. I went there like all the people who HAD filled out that application and graduated with honors.

I get that most here are T20 or die, but my daughter is applying to almost all common app schools, all test optional, several rolling and many don't even have app fees. She has learning and mental health challenges and is NOT like me as a student in any way. I have helped her a LOT in this process, but am really trying to NOT stress her out. I know my own kid and what she needed to have confidence to even apply. Shoot, she may not even get in anywhere, and that will be OK - we are prepared for her to go to community college and possibly even have that be it for her (there is a health related certification she is interested in)

But honestly, it doesn't HAVE to be insanely high stress at any level. We're making these kids crazy with all this pressure. It isn't worth it! The smart kids will do well no matter where they go. Having a balanced list and not all T20 helps. And even if they do somehow screw up and not get into any of the top schools, a year in community college or at a school on the list in May still accepting applications (and there are lots of them!) is NOT going to kill them. I know it feels awful at the time, but it just isn't the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the parents on here who are congratulating themselves… be careful. Your next kid might need you to be involved. I for one thought I was amazingly chill and so laidback with my first kid, but my second has needed more nudges and has wanted my involvement more. So it might just be your particular kid.

+1000

It's similar to when the kids were babies/toddlers. I had a challenging first kid---anxious, stubborn, very strong willed, definately NOT a people pleaser. Had one friend with only 1 kid (same age as my 2nd) who thought her kid was so easy and perfectly behaved simply because of how she parented---for her kid, if she threatened to leave or take away something fun if the kid didn't behave, lo and behold the kid snapped right into behaving. With my oldest that didn't work---he would happily tell stories about the time he misbehaved and didn't get what they wanted because of it, all while smiling and laughing (this was at age 4/5)....so even following thru (as I always did) had minimal effect at times. My 2nd kid was a people pleaser and rule follower, and if they'd been my first I would have thought I'd done stuff wrong

Well that friend had a 2nd kid----and I had to not laugh because that kid was the exact opposite.....they finally had their challenging kid and soon learned it had more to do with the kid's personality than their parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I welcome anyone who has let their kids fill out their own applications, have NOT hired a counsellor or coach, and are letting this be their kids journey, not theirs.

Please come on in and share your stories!

Here’s mine - DD refused to let us look at her essays and supplementals - not even just to proofread. Wasn’t about to fight with her on that. She’s got a good head on her shoulders and I’m sure she will end up exactly where she belongs!

I have a child kind of like that too…will not let us see the essays…wants to “sink or swim” on their own. Part of me is impressed by the confidence and self motivation…part of me is frustrated as heck because I would like to at least proofread them.

IMO, it is a sign of immaturity and arrogance to want to “sink or swim” on your own for important things. Even the top people in any field get review & feedback and make changes based on it. It does not have to be a parent proofreading, it can be another trusted adult.

Meh, I did all that myself as a teen. My parents were barely involved. Not that they wouldn’t have been if I had asked, I just didn’t feel the need. I was a decent writer and wrote and edited my own essays.

I realize “times are different” or whatever, but some kids are confident in their abilities and it isn’t immaturity at all.

Meh, you didn’t even have one teacher or counselor who you trusted to read your essay. How sad for you :-/

DP, but in the 80s, yes most kids did it all themselves, including typing our applications with a typewriter. All my parents did was write the checks for the applications. I did everything else

[Anonymous]

yup, I typed mine in the 90s. I would hand write things then use the typewriter. I THINK we had a word processor by that point, so I could type all of it in and then it would kind of print/type for me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We basically told our daughter that she was in charge and we would support as needed. It helps that she is a planner and is very well organized. We would answer questions as needed and provide input as requested. While at times she was frustrated with the application process, it was great to see her work through the issues and develop confidence and a level of independence one hopes to see at this age. Overall, she got into 6 out of the 7 she applied to.

How do you think you would have handled the process I’d she was not a planner nor well organized?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We basically told our daughter that she was in charge and we would support as needed. It helps that she is a planner and is very well organized. We would answer questions as needed and provide input as requested. While at times she was frustrated with the application process, it was great to see her work through the issues and develop confidence and a level of independence one hopes to see at this age. Overall, she got into 6 out of the 7 she applied to.

How do you think you would have handled the process I’d she was not a planner nor well organized?

No PP (OP here) but my DD is definitely NOT organized. Yet she’s pulling it together for this process because she wants to do it herself.