DD’s friend with bad underarm odor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t do all the passive aggressive buying of nail polish and hair bows to hide the deodorant. It is cringe-y.

Your choices are to kindly tell her she needs deodorant or to realize this isn’t a big deal.

I agree.

I posted earlier. I don't see anything wrong with these suggestions that you are calling passive aggressive. I believe the term is tact. A lot of people lack it but it does a long way in having difficult conversations and preserving relationships. Op has the ability to teach this skill to her daughter. Some situations call for tact. Communicating kindly to an unrelated teen needs tact.

If you just speak at all: Honest and direct is the kindest approach - or better yet, don’t do anything at all because this is not your business.

What is not kind is manufacturing some weird “gift” if deodorant. That will be mortifying to the girl. She is not an idiot, she will know what you are doing and it will be shameful to her to have to pretend excitement at getting this kind of “gift.”

That’s the opposite of tact.

Must speak, not just speak.

Gift of deodorant not if.

[Anonymous]

There is NOTHING more funky than a car full of sweaty football players. I drove them home daily and about gagged every single time. I bought two quilts to cover the seats.
To this day I cannot pass a Burger King without thinking of that awful smell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a fun gift basket with deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, hair clips, brush, nail polish and remover, soap or body wash and a puff, etc for her birthday or the holidays.

I think this is a good idea — and would probably ask the girls if they wanted to do a spa day together — so baskets for both girls, not just the friend.

I love this idea! A spa day for both girls. It could even just be at your house. They could do their nails, facials, etc..

And BTW, take this deodorant home because you stink? What does spa day have to do with deodorant? And she probably isn’t interested in spa day as many girls aren’t even interested in shaving and nails and such

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD has the absolute sweetest friend who happens to have really bad underarm odor. Her mother is not American (neither are we). Although we are not from the same country, we share a similar culture and I understand that in their culture (as in ours) people don’t typically wear deodorant.

The girl’s mom is not friendly at all but we help her out with rides etc, sometimes because the mom
works a job with odd shift hours.

We have especially noticed this odor when driving her places because the windows are often closed initially. Last year another classmate used to drive her home but suddenly stopped - I am not sure if this is why.

Anyway, how should we address this? The mom would be defensive if we told her this and I don’t want the girl to be embarrassed but someone really needs to tell her. She’s a really good, sweet kid who is very conscious of the fact that she needs a lot of favors from other parents because of her mom’s schedule. I really don’t want to embarrass her or make her uncomfortable.

One option is telling a teacher the kids consider to be “cool” who probably has a good relationship with the girl and could probably talk to her about it in a non-offensive way.

Any thoughts?

I assume someone said this already (not going to read through) but as a teacher, I have told the school nurse when kids "stink". They meet with the student and talk about hygiene and give them deodorant. Send an email to the school nurse.

[Anonymous]

You can contact the school guidance counselor. They are trained for this. Trust me. We have the personal hygiene talk numerous times each school year with various students. We even have a supply of mini travel deodorants and the nurse has some as well.

If you contact a teacher, they will (and should) send it our way. This type of news is best coming from a 3rd party that the kid person doesn't interact with daily. They can be as embarrassed as they want because they seem like once or twice a year at most.

[Anonymous]

Crazy people - would you do this wacky stuff to an adult? Buying them weird little spa gifts with deodorant in them? Telling them you picked up some deodorant for them at the store while you were there?

No? Well doing it to a teen is worse, because they have less power and shame more easily at that age.

Shane on you. And calling yourself tactful is really just extra.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Crazy people - would you do this wacky stuff to an adult? Buying them weird little spa gifts with deodorant in them? Telling them you picked up some deodorant for them at the store while you were there?

No? Well doing it to a teen is worse, because they have less power and shame more easily at that age.

Shane on you. And calling yourself tactful is really just extra.

Kids remember years later who consistently stank. That’s much more cruel.

[Anonymous]

Why

Can’t

Your

Daughter

Tell

Her

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Crazy people - would you do this wacky stuff to an adult? Buying them weird little spa gifts with deodorant in them? Telling them you picked up some deodorant for them at the store while you were there?

No? Well doing it to a teen is worse, because they have less power and shame more easily at that age.

Shane on you. And calling yourself tactful is really just extra.

Kids remember years later who consistently stank. That’s much more cruel.

Agree with the PP. They ALL stink at one time or another. No one cares or remembers. It is unlikely she is stinking all day in school, even without deodorant. OP is picking her up after a sweaty sports practice. Plenty of kids still stink even with deodorant

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I have all boys. Sometimes they or their friends smell. I tell them they smell and give them deodorant. They laugh and use it. Problem solved until the next time. I don't know everyone still comes over here and eats all my food so it hasn't seemed to bother anyone yet. But they are boys so I guess that is the difference.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps reach out to the kid’s home room teacher, counselor, or nurse if you know them and trust they’d be tactful and caring. My SIL is an RN at an international school and gives class presentations and has private talks with kids about everything including issues like this. She’s amazing. And has extras in her office of all types of personal care products — toothbrush & paste, deodorant, feminine supplies, underwear, soap, etc.

There was a gymnast on our HS cheer team who stank like you wouldn’t believe. I overheard our coach giving her deodorant and talking to her about hygiene. It was incredibly kind. And the rest of us were ignorant a-holes because we made fun of her; the coach ripped into us for our behavior and she was 100% right to do so. Turns out the girl knew she stank and didn’t know what to do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can contact the school guidance counselor. They are trained for this. Trust me. We have the personal hygiene talk numerous times each school year with various students. We even have a supply of mini travel deodorants and the nurse has some as well.

If you contact a teacher, they will (and should) send it our way. This type of news is best coming from a 3rd party that the kid person doesn't interact with daily. They can be as embarrassed as they want because they seem like once or twice a year at most.

This is the correct response all the way around.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for everyone for your responses. This has been very helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, let us know how it turns out. I feel for that girl. And if she’s rewearing clothing that isn’t getting properly washed in between wears, then that old BO in the fabric would just be making matters worse. Febreeze is useful in that case.

Your daughter seems kind, and so do you.

[Anonymous]

I was the smelly kid in school because my parents didn’t pay any attention to me or tell me to wear deodorant or care if washed my gym clothes. When I was in middle school, my PE teacher called me into her office in a very after school special way and had a Serious Talk with me about it. For various reasons, it was obvious that my friends had asked the teacher to do this. It was awful, and I’ve carried this shame around with me for 40 years. I think “formalizing it” in this way is the worst way to handle it, even if it makes it easier for you.

Please don’t do this to the poor kid. The more people you bring in, and the more formal it is, the more embarrassing it is. Please just tell the kid without any fanfare like you would your own child. Keep it light. Make it funny. Or tell your daughter to tell her, point blank: “hey, you reek. Put some deodorant on.” It doesn’t have to be a big deal for her—if you don’t make it one.