DD’s friend with bad underarm odor

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think Americans need to realize that many in other cultures do not use deodorant. Just because they live here now, it does not mean that they must adopt American customs.

I'm guessing most people suggesting an intervention would want her to know the American custom (deodorant) for her own sake, because they know she will face gossip and worse if she doesn't wear it. (And of course it's not right for people to mean, but we all know it will happen.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny again - And this was with her parents permission, obviously. We tried being subtle, I took her to buy deodorant, I did it all. Eventually it got cold and I refused to close the car windows until she wore deodorant. Now she laughs about it and is so grateful we made her wear it… and the best thing is that her younger siblings learned from that lesson and they never had an issue wearing deodorant!!

But that's a totally different situation.

A caregiver has a responsibility to guide a child towards correct hygiene. It sounds like were neglecting the child.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a tough one, and I'm sympathetic to the people who felt shamed when someone else brought this up, but shame is going to be part of it no matter what.

I would adopt an approach similar to the mom in the car that avoided singling others out, but keep it between you and your daughter. Eg, you're driving home, you stop at Starbucks/gas station with a real bathroom and say, "Girls, I wonder if one of you got a little sweaty in PE today, because I can smell the sweat. Can you do the thing where you put some soap on a wet paper towel and scrub your armpits a little before getting back in the car? My old mom-nose would appreciate it."

There's also the question of armpit hair and clothes cleanliness. Armpit hair for girls is less stigmatized now than when I was a kid, and it can trap odor more than shaved armpits. Also, if her clothes are not getting washed regularly, she's going to carry the BO around with her--so I agree that deodorant is important.

I actually WOULD pass this on to a teacher or counselor. When I taught, there was always a counselor who had this conversation multiple times a year with various kids. And I'm guessing that there are other issues this girl might want help with than just body odor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a tough one, and I'm sympathetic to the people who felt shamed when someone else brought this up, but shame is going to be part of it no matter what.

I would adopt an approach similar to the mom in the car that avoided singling others out, but keep it between you and your daughter. Eg, you're driving home, you stop at Starbucks/gas station with a real bathroom and say, "Girls, I wonder if one of you got a little sweaty in PE today, because I can smell the sweat. Can you do the thing where you put some soap on a wet paper towel and scrub your armpits a little before getting back in the car? My old mom-nose would appreciate it."

There's also the question of armpit hair and clothes cleanliness. Armpit hair for girls is less stigmatized now than when I was a kid, and it can trap odor more than shaved armpits. Also, if her clothes are not getting washed regularly, she's going to carry the BO around with her--so I agree that deodorant is important.

I actually WOULD pass this on to a teacher or counselor. When I taught, there was always a counselor who had this conversation multiple times a year with various kids. And I'm guessing that there are other issues this girl might want help with than just body odor.

You’d pull over and ask them to scrub their pits? Unreal

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of you are looking at this through your middle aged mom lens. Girls just care a lot less about this kind of stuff than we used to. Many don’t shave, don’t wear makeup, don’t wear deodorant- by choice/lack of caring. She is one of many many smelly kids at school now, and likely doesn’t stand out.

In this day and age, no way a 13 yr old doesn’t know about deodorant and why it is recommended and even how to get it, with or without mom. If she isn’t wearing it, it is bc she doesn’t want to be bothered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I asked my DD (14) about this post in the car, and she said “don’t do anything, eventually a kid will say something about it to her….anything a mom does will just make it worse”

FWIW.

I’m surprised her parents have not noticed and said something? I had to be super firm with one of my sons about hygiene around preteen age.

Also- is it at all possible this is a “ food/cooking odors” issue- odors picked up on clothing? Sometimes smells JUST like BO IME. In college, we all had to change shirts after eating in the dining hall- the place just had a stench and seeped into our clothes! I realize that sounds crazy but was totally true. I don’t know the cause either.

An aside- did you go to Notre Dame, by chance? Just your usage of the words “dining hall” and the fact that your clothes smelled after made me wonder. I had the exact same experience at ND and I totally thought it was me until my roommate casually mentioned the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this is a tough one, and I'm sympathetic to the people who felt shamed when someone else brought this up, but shame is going to be part of it no matter what.

I would adopt an approach similar to the mom in the car that avoided singling others out, but keep it between you and your daughter. Eg, you're driving home, you stop at Starbucks/gas station with a real bathroom and say, "Girls, I wonder if one of you got a little sweaty in PE today, because I can smell the sweat. Can you do the thing where you put some soap on a wet paper towel and scrub your armpits a little before getting back in the car? My old mom-nose would appreciate it."

There's also the question of armpit hair and clothes cleanliness. Armpit hair for girls is less stigmatized now than when I was a kid, and it can trap odor more than shaved armpits. Also, if her clothes are not getting washed regularly, she's going to carry the BO around with her--so I agree that deodorant is important.

I actually WOULD pass this on to a teacher or counselor. When I taught, there was always a counselor who had this conversation multiple times a year with various kids. And I'm guessing that there are other issues this girl might want help with than just body odor.

You’d pull over and ask them to scrub their pits? Unreal

+1,000 no one would do this in real life. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you are looking at this through your middle aged mom lens. Girls just care a lot less about this kind of stuff than we used to. Many don’t shave, don’t wear makeup, don’t wear deodorant- by choice/lack of caring. She is one of many many smelly kids at school now, and likely doesn’t stand out.

In this day and age, no way a 13 yr old doesn’t know about deodorant and why it is recommended and even how to get it, with or without mom. If she isn’t wearing it, it is bc she doesn’t want to be bothered.

A lot of 13 year olds don't have a lot of spending money.

Or they're embarrassed to ask parents or shop workers. Deodorant is locked up at many DC pharmacies so you have to flag down a worker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say to BOTH girls, when they get into the car, "Okay, girls. Car rules -- everybody knows that teens smell when they hit puberty, so everybody has to wear deodorant," and hand them each their own stick. That way, you are not singling one girl out.

Omg. Wtf is wrong with you? That is weird and would totally embarrass your kid and the friend.

Er, you bring your kid in on it beforehand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave it alone. A lot of kids stink. There isn’t a non offensive way to bring this up

This is OP. Something has to be done. Our car actually smells when she leaves. Even my DH complained today and he doesn’t smell anything. I really want to protect her from getting embarrassed or her feelings hurt by someone else who may not be nice about how they tell her.

This sounds very fake.

I believe it. My parents had a friend who came over and sat with his arm/armpit on the armrest and they had a difficult time getting the smell out after the guy left. That bacteria can get really rank.

This is probably 2 problems, deodorant and not washing/scrubbing properly.

OP I would talk to her & be direct but simple, give instructions & the why part too.

I still remember the distinctive smell of the rental car we dubbed "the B.O. mobile" which we rented in Ireland in the summer of 1994. I do not know what a previous passenger or driver of the car did to make the smell remain after days and days of driving with the windows down, but there was no getting that smell out.

[Anonymous]

If the girl is stinking up a car after she's gone, then I think some level of gentle intervention is best. If you feel that it wouldn't be an issue for the girl to use deodorant without running it by her parents, then I'd do a girly shopping trip and buy them both a few items.

But if that would be overstepping, then I'd approach the mom. I'd tell her that I understand not growing up using deodorant, but that the odor might indicate some kind of imbalance and she might want to check with the doctor. And then the doctor can give advice on what to use.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Out of curiosity, I asked my DD (14) about this post in the car, and she said “don’t do anything, eventually a kid will say something about it to her….anything a mom does will just make it worse”

FWIW.

I’m surprised her parents have not noticed and said something? I had to be super firm with one of my sons about hygiene around preteen age.

Also- is it at all possible this is a “ food/cooking odors” issue- odors picked up on clothing? Sometimes smells JUST like BO IME. In college, we all had to change shirts after eating in the dining hall- the place just had a stench and seeped into our clothes! I realize that sounds crazy but was totally true. I don’t know the cause either.

An aside- did you go to Notre Dame, by chance? Just your usage of the words “dining hall” and the fact that your clothes smelled after made me wonder. I had the exact same experience at ND and I totally thought it was me until my roommate casually mentioned the same thing.

Do you honestly believe Notre Dame is the only school that calls it a dining hall?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say to BOTH girls, when they get into the car, "Okay, girls. Car rules -- everybody knows that teens smell when they hit puberty, so everybody has to wear deodorant," and hand them each their own stick. That way, you are not singling one girl out.

No, don't penalize OP's daughter.

How is OPs daughter penalized? The mother can explain to her daughter what’s she doing so that she doesn’t embarrass the girl.

I think that’s a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of you are looking at this through your middle aged mom lens. Girls just care a lot less about this kind of stuff than we used to. Many don’t shave, don’t wear makeup, don’t wear deodorant- by choice/lack of caring. She is one of many many smelly kids at school now, and likely doesn’t stand out.

In this day and age, no way a 13 yr old doesn’t know about deodorant and why it is recommended and even how to get it, with or without mom. If she isn’t wearing it, it is bc she doesn’t want to be bothered.

Girls don’t have to shave or wear makeup or wear a bra but they do need to practice basic hygiene because it affects other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:whatever you do, don't place this responsibility on a teacher.

I'm a teacher, and I've had this conversation with kids. It's hard.

But I can not figure out how OP thinks the teacher hasn't noticed. So, either the teacher doesn't want to intervene, or the teacher has tried and it didn't work.

This is OP. This teacher is a well loved middle school teacher who is younger and perceived as cooler than the other teachers. She’s usually the one to help girls when they get their periods for the first time and also teaches sex education. She is not this girls current teacher this year but was last year.

I would ask the teacher for advice.

And I would give her a gift basket with deodorant, soap, etc. Wait till the holidays or her birthday if you feel awkward about it.