I think my marriage may be over

[Anonymous]

You have to be broken and resigned to stay in a traditional marriage for any length of time. The only chance for success is for each partner to realize how inadequate he or she is on so many levels, and then muster up the strength to march forward anyway. No strong or whole person would ever stay married. Those of us weak enough to need the institution must be wise enough to concede our existential weakness.

[Anonymous]

Speak for yourself PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be broken and resigned to stay in a traditional marriage for any length of time. The only chance for success is for each partner to realize how inadequate he or she is on so many levels, and then muster up the strength to march forward anyway. No strong or whole person would ever stay married. Those of us weak enough to need the institution must be wise enough to concede our existential weakness.

Humans are social beings. We are not built to be " strong" or "whole". We are built to depend on communities and in each other.

So you are right. We especially need the institution since there is less and less community fostering in our society.

[Anonymous]

A divorce would be terrible for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A divorce would be terrible for your daughter.

OP does not mention any concerns about that, but, you are correct, PP. She seems to feel like she is starring in a remake of "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" or something. Therapy seems to be making OP more self focused and externalizing of her issues.

OP, you have a lot of family baggage and ARE your mother, whether you realize it or not, now. If you don't want to be, change yourself. That is the only person we have control over, after all. Give your husband the love and marriage you feel YOU deserve and see how things go from there. Love is a verb and an action. Do it for him and do it for your daughter, who is in the shoes you say harmed you. Funny how we repeat those patterns. Since your therapist has not helped you notice that, maybe a change is in order there too?

Maybe more focus on how your actions do or may impact others and less time feeling hard done by? What is that Buddhist saying, "Wherever you go, there you are?" Walking out is not the fix, it is inside you. Love the family you have. Your foot out the door routine is impacting your kid, too. If you want her to be able to connect with people and have stable relationships, YOU have to model that for her. Figure out why you are working against what you claim to want.

[Anonymous]

he finds it easier to cut things loose than deal

OP, surely you see ways in which you are similar?

He picked you because you are distant and in and out like his family. Figure out why you picked him and you may start to get some traction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be broken and resigned to stay in a traditional marriage for any length of time. The only chance for success is for each partner to realize how inadequate he or she is on so many levels, and then muster up the strength to march forward anyway. No strong or whole person would ever stay married. Those of us weak enough to need the institution must be wise enough to concede our existential weakness.

+ a googolplex

[Anonymous]

The older I get, the less I understand what it is that some people want out of a marriage. I haven’t read through all of the replies, but the OP sounds like she’s having a “me” problem, not a relationship problem.

[Anonymous]

I know you believe you are a good mom and all, but how can you even think of doing this to your daughter over what is entirely a “you” problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to be broken and resigned to stay in a traditional marriage for any length of time. The only chance for success is for each partner to realize how inadequate he or she is on so many levels, and then muster up the strength to march forward anyway. No strong or whole person would ever stay married. Those of us weak enough to need the institution must be wise enough to concede our existential weakness.

I'm sorry you got so badly burned somehow, by someone, that you feel this way.

But it is not the reality of many of us who are in "traditional marriages" and are not broken or resigned, but find support, love and happiness there.

Still, I don't go around saying all marriage is therefore perfect, because my experience of marriage is good. Yet you feel you can say all marriage is for the weak and broken, only.

Vast generalizations rooted in our own projected experiences offer nothing to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound incredibly immature. My guess is there's a lot of stuff in your family of origin you need to untangle in therapy.

Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.

“Just waking up next to someone you can stand is a win.”

Is this really the truth? Or just what we tell ourselves?

I convinced myself that’s what life was with exDH. Am much happier divorced and dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incredibly immature. My guess is there's a lot of stuff in your family of origin you need to untangle in therapy.

Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.

“Just waking up next to someone you can stand is a win.”

Is this really the truth? Or just what we tell ourselves?

I convinced myself that’s what life was with exDH. Am much happier divorced and dating.

Yeah. Ask your kids how that turned out for them. Glad you're ~self actualizing~ or whatever though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know you WANT TO believe you are a good mom and all, but how can you even think of doing this to your daughter over what is entirely a “you” problem?

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

This would be an inane thing to divorce over, and times 100000000 because you have a child. Turn your energy towards loving your spouse and improving your marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound incredibly immature. My guess is there's a lot of stuff in your family of origin you need to untangle in therapy.

Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.

“Just waking up next to someone you can stand is a win.”

Is this really the truth? Or just what we tell ourselves?

I convinced myself that’s what life was with exDH. Am much happier divorced and dating.

Good for you.

Just because you are happier dating doesn't mean others will be.

Perhaps it is just what you tell yourself.