I think my marriage may be over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!

1. These are two completely opposing statements

2. Short of being physically abused there is absolutely nothing my spouse could do to me that would make it worth it to not see my kids every day and have them see their dad every day. That is beyond selfishness. If you really need a "spark" that bad then wait 8 years till they're in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!

Re: the bold: YOU CAN CHANGE THIS. Start doing things together that don't involve your child. You mentioned early in the thread that vacations are a thing you do. Well, hell, you have one kid; that makes it easier to find one weekend of sitting and going somewhere interesting, not just for sex, OP, but to build some freaking memories only with your DH. Do you and he really have absolutely zero interests in common? None whatsoever? You have to make an effort to build some experiences as a couple (even close to home, and simply) and then talk about those. All your vague complaints, and just dealing with this one thing -- "we'll have nothing to talk about when we're old!" -- is doable but only if you and he actually try to see each other as people who might be interesting human beings. Not just as husband and wife, dad and mom, boring and bored. Surely you got married not only because attentive/kind/provider but also because he must have had SOMETHING in common with you--??

The more you post the more you seem determined to stay in a rut of "Yes, objectively he's great, but where are my butterflies?" Why are you even in therapy if you haven't been talking there about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!

Answer to the bolded: Fear of ending up alone while your husband finds someone new is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. It's so silly that some PPs keep bringing it up in thread after thread by women thinking about leaving.

I am very similar to you and would describe my husband as a good catch. But if your husband is depressed, you oversold him to us in your OP.

Why do you think he is depressed? Has he seen someone for depression? He can be a good catch and be depressed, and his depression will mess with your head if you are not conscious. You will start wondering why this wonderful man is seeing things so differently from how you are seeing them? Could you be wrong? Could he have a point?

Mine has anxiety which makes communication difficult ( is allergic to conflict). But weekly therapy has worked miracles. We still get stuck sometimes, but I could not live with who he was before that. But everyone would have thought I was a fool for leaving if I left then. But someone's attitude, especially someone you live with can affect the way you connect with them in ways that others looking from the outside in cannot imagine.

Good news: perfect people don't exist and there are many resources for these issues even without meds if this is what is going on with your husband.

There is therapy, church counseling, meditation and more. He has to look for help.

[Anonymous]

Not looking for butterflies, but I am looking for a connection. Where I’m not the one driving the conversation and exploration.

Our marriage therapist confirms we’re on different communication planes. He’s more black and white. I’m good with the in between and imperfection.

I’m just not sure if wanting things to work is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not looking for butterflies, but I am looking for a connection. Where I’m not the one driving the conversation and exploration.

Our marriage therapist confirms we’re on different communication planes. He’s more black and white. I’m good with the in between and imperfection.

I’m just not sure if wanting things to work is enough.

Communication is one of the most important pillars in every human relationship, so it makes sense that you feel disconnected.

What did the therapist recommend to improve this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!

Answer to the bolded: Fear of ending up alone while your husband finds someone new is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. It's so silly that some PPs keep bringing it up in thread after thread by women thinking about leaving.

I am very similar to you and would describe my husband as a good catch. But if your husband is depressed, you oversold him to us in your OP.

Why do you think he is depressed? Has he seen someone for depression? He can be a good catch and be depressed, and his depression will mess with your head if you are not conscious. You will start wondering why this wonderful man is seeing things so differently from how you are seeing them? Could you be wrong? Could he have a point?

Mine has anxiety which makes communication difficult ( is allergic to conflict). But weekly therapy has worked miracles. We still get stuck sometimes, but I could not live with who he was before that. But everyone would have thought I was a fool for leaving if I left then. But someone's attitude, especially someone you live with can affect the way you connect with them in ways that others looking from the outside in cannot imagine.

Good news: perfect people don't exist and there are many resources for these issues even without meds if this is what is going on with your husband.

There is therapy, church counseling, meditation and more. He has to look for help.

OMG. You UNDERSTAND! I don’t know if he’s really depressed. But he does not have good coping mechanisms. He is conflict avoidant. It’s happy go lucky or all terrible! I cannot live in Disneyland!

But my part in all this is that I have let it happen. Because of all the reasons I have said. He’s kind, intelligent, loving, responsible. I thought I was crazy for not being satisfied.

He’s in counseling too. But I honestly don’t know how much he is willing to dig into some core issues of his past. But I’m grateful he is going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Catching up on all the feedback. I appreciate it all. Even the harsh feedback.

To address some things that have come up, I’ve been in therapy for at least 6 mos and we’ve been in marriage counseling for a year.

I’m not depressed (I’ve inquired). My husband may be but will never go on meds due to his profession (and maybe he’s not).

I come from a very stable family, have a very strong circle of friends, etc. My husband is more of a loner. He would say he has strong connections, but they appear surface-level or at least they are not people who are part of his everyday life. He’s estranged from most of his family. I think his world mostly revolves around our child and me.

Of course I have baggage. I don’t want my parents’ marriage. They’ve been married for more than 50 years, but they really don’t spend time together. My mother treats my father horribly. I feel as though we’re on that path.

I also have no doubt that my husband will or could find someone quickly. He is a catch in many respects. I know I may end up alone. But is that really a reason to stay married? When our child is gone, what will we talk about? We never had hours of endless talking.

I married him for all the reasons people are saying I should stay in this marriage. He’s a good provider. Attentive. Kind. Yes! I recognize aaaaall the good qualities!

Answer to the bolded: Fear of ending up alone while your husband finds someone new is not a good reason to stay in a marriage. It's so silly that some PPs keep bringing it up in thread after thread by women thinking about leaving.

I am very similar to you and would describe my husband as a good catch. But if your husband is depressed, you oversold him to us in your OP.

Why do you think he is depressed? Has he seen someone for depression? He can be a good catch and be depressed, and his depression will mess with your head if you are not conscious. You will start wondering why this wonderful man is seeing things so differently from how you are seeing them? Could you be wrong? Could he have a point?

Mine has anxiety which makes communication difficult ( is allergic to conflict). But weekly therapy has worked miracles. We still get stuck sometimes, but I could not live with who he was before that. But everyone would have thought I was a fool for leaving if I left then. But someone's attitude, especially someone you live with can affect the way you connect with them in ways that others looking from the outside in cannot imagine.

Good news: perfect people don't exist and there are many resources for these issues even without meds if this is what is going on with your husband.

There is therapy, church counseling, meditation and more. He has to look for help.

OMG. You UNDERSTAND! I don’t know if he’s really depressed. But he does not have good coping mechanisms. He is conflict avoidant. It’s happy go lucky or all terrible! I cannot live in Disneyland!

But my part in all this is that I have let it happen. Because of all the reasons I have said. He’s kind, intelligent, loving, responsible. I thought I was crazy for not being satisfied.

He’s in counseling too. But I honestly don’t know how much he is willing to dig into some core issues of his past. But I’m grateful he is going.

I don't know, OP.

It's not always about the past. Some people have wiring challenges. My DH inherited his anxiety from his mom. There is nothing to dig up from his past. There is nothing in her past either. It's their biology.

Can he try a new counselor?

My DH tells his what he is anxious about and the therapist says:" OK, let's look at times in the past when something like this happened. How did it end? And his answer is usually fine. And then he calms down. Or : " OK. Why don't you ask DW. Come back and tell me how it went ". Then he I'd committed to have a discussion instead of avoid one.

It's basic settle down stuff that most women resolve by chatting with their girlfriends. But it's very effective in releasing pressure.

I am not saying this is the solution for you. Just saying sometimes you need to explore more resources to find a solution, and it might be an easy solution that you are overlooking, especially because he is a great guy already. There are good bones to build on.

Don't despair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not looking for butterflies, but I am looking for a connection. Where I’m not the one driving the conversation and exploration.

Our marriage therapist confirms we’re on different communication planes. He’s more black and white. I’m good with the in between and imperfection.

I’m just not sure if wanting things to work is enough.

Have you ever experienced the connection that you are looking for a) with DH and b) with previous relationships?

[Anonymous]

It’s still all very vague, OP. What does “too attentive” mean? In the absence of concrete examples, it just seems like you want out and are making up excuses that don’t really land or resonate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s still all very vague, OP. What does “too attentive” mean? In the absence of concrete examples, it just seems like you want out and are making up excuses that don’t really land or resonate.

I agree. OP, I think your mind is made up but you want to not feel like the bad guy. I do not think it is guaranteed that walking out will make you happier. I think you are having a midlife crisis. Most people do not talk about opening their marriage when they are parents of a young kid. Something is up with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound incredibly immature. My guess is there's a lot of stuff in your family of origin you need to untangle in therapy.

Guess what? Marriage changes. There arent going to be sparks ten years in. Just waking up to someone you can stand is a win. Don't blow up your life and your kids life, you will regret it.

OP, I think you need a different therapist and to really consider this post.

Open marriages, in reality, not erotica, are very risky and uncommon for married moms to seek.

[Anonymous]

OP this is not that complicated. Just have sex with him on a regular basis. Like once a week.

[Anonymous]

OP wants to live again. And to love again. As if she's the star in a Lifetime movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s still all very vague, OP. What does “too attentive” mean? In the absence of concrete examples, it just seems like you want out and are making up excuses that don’t really land or resonate.

I agree. OP, I think your mind is made up but you want to not feel like the bad guy. I do not think it is guaranteed that walking out will make you happier. I think you are having a midlife crisis. Most people do not talk about opening their marriage when they are parents of a young kid. Something is up with you.

+1

But OP keeps posting and doubling down on her own unhappiness rather than talking about taking proactive steps (other than therapy which frankly doesn't seem to be doing her much good). She really seems to be seeking validation here for her position of "But I want...something...emotional intimacy?" I don't think she has at all defined what she really finds lacking other than "we don't have conversations and won't when we're old" etc. I posted how she could fix at least that part of it but she seems truly unwilling to do any actual work here. Should she have to do all the work? No. Most of it? Since she's the one who seems unhappy (based on her description of her DH re: the marriage) -- yes, most of the work is hers. But she is just so unwilling to do it. That's why I think she's here seeking validation and an OK to "open the marriage" or divorce.

So, OP? Still going to talk about how you and he have nothing in common but why you won't try to build a relationship where you start having more in common? Still going to talk about the lack of sex and how you "pull away" but why you won't schedule sex (it can work) or go away for a weekend or, or....? Still going to talk about how he might be depressed but you are 100 percent resigned to letting him just BE depressed because, his career! No meds allowed!

You really don't WANT to fix this, do you, OP? If you do: Get to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not looking for butterflies, but I am looking for a connection. Where I’m not the one driving the conversation and exploration.

Our marriage therapist confirms we’re on different communication planes. He’s more black and white. I’m good with the in between and imperfection.

I’m just not sure if wanting things to work is enough.

TBH it sounds like you are the one having a much harder time living with “in between and imperfection.” That is where you are and you seem to be experiencing discomfort staying there and are wanting to push it to a conclusion that is black and white.

Why is he estranged from most of his family?