I think my marriage may be over

[Anonymous]

Wasn’t there a post just like this a few weeks ago?

[Anonymous]

If you are interested/willing- Guttman and Pearl is a great resource. They are in DC and MD but do teletherapy as well.

[Anonymous]

“We don’t really connect”

That seems to be the core of it for you.

But, what exactly does it mean for you. Is it about sex and physical affection or is it some other kind of connection?

[Anonymous]

What’s the alternative? The dating scene is dreadful. You divorce and he is a great catch and probably ends up w/ a great woman who may be younger, while you’re dating men w/ dad bods who got burned in their divorces and won’t commit or are alcoholics.

Sounds like you need a
Rush of brain chemicals. Google how to do that naturally or go on meds.

[Anonymous]

Stephen Covey had excellent advice about this. A man told him that there was no love left between him and his wife, and Covey asked him if he had considered loving his wife. He went on to explain that love is a verb, not a feeling. So do loving things for your spouse. You might find that actively loving your DH brings the loving feeling back.

This actually worked for me when my DH and I were in the doldrums. My therapist called it “fake it til you make it” but I preferred Covey’s take.

[Anonymous]

Take advantage of the open marriage and try and find someone you have an intense connection with to experience it.

Yes, it’s a cake and eat it too scenario…but assuming you’re a mature adult who can be discreet and careful…which sounds like you and your spouse are…there’s no reason not too.

Life is short and marriage is long. Emotional and sexual connection are like nature’s therapy.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar marriage. We married young and there was never a great connection. We’re divorced now and I’m with someone else who I connected with immediately and am very happy. However, I would tell you to try everything to reconnect and improve the marriage so you have no regrets. We gave up early on and I sometimes wonder if we could have repaired things if we tried harder earlier. It can be very sad not to see your child as much over the years. I still sometimes struggle with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, unless you are leaving out some key facts, like addiction or an affair, I would do what you can to make your marriage work. Your DH sounds great and you actually seem to have similar interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if we as a society need to talk about how relationships change over time and what to expect. At a time in our life as our children are growing older and needing us in a different way, we start expecting our married relationship to be more like it was in the beginning. We don't look at our teens and think something is wrong when they no longer tell us we're the best person ever and they want to live with us forever and ever and ever.

What is a normal expectation of a relationship at the 20 year mark? I don't know. But a lot of people become unhappy when it's not like it was at the one year mark.

This hits the mark. Your marriage isn't over. You and your husband have changed and your marriage has changed. It sounds like you still love each other, so that is HUGE. Marriages that are really over are full of hate and loathing. I wouldn't throw in the towel yet. You don't know what lies ahead for you!

[Anonymous]

I recommend reading Moody &itches by Dr. Julie Holland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you’re having a mid life crisis. Consider getting your stuff together and remembering your vows and obligations.

This!

You won't be happier unmarried. It will make your life worse. Also, if he's a good man, it will be tough to find a better one. Tread lightly with him. Get therapy for your midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

I think this encapsulates why men pursue affairs, too. They hit that lull, lose that spark, and see an opportunity to find it elsewhere like the “married young” PP above.

Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take advantage of the open marriage and try and find someone you have an intense connection with to experience it.

Yes, it’s a cake and eat it too scenario…but assuming you’re a mature adult who can be discreet and careful…which sounds like you and your spouse are…there’s no reason not too.

Life is short and marriage is long. Emotional and sexual connection are like nature’s therapy.

Only if DH and any other spouse agrees first. Probably not happening. Vows should mean something.

[Anonymous]

Love and happiness are both choices. If you don’t learn how to choose them instead of passively waiting for them, you’ll recreate this dynamic in your next relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stephen Covey had excellent advice about this. A man told him that there was no love left between him and his wife, and Covey asked him if he had considered loving his wife. He went on to explain that love is a verb, not a feeling. So do loving things for your spouse. You might find that actively loving your DH brings the loving feeling back.

This actually worked for me when my DH and I were in the doldrums. My therapist called it “fake it til you make it” but I preferred Covey’s take.

This is the best advice.