I think my marriage may be over

[Anonymous]

We love each other, but it feels more platonic, more so on my end. Sex has been infrequent for years and there is limited affection otherwise. We both would like more, but if I’m honest, I pull away from him.

I don’t want to feel this way. He’s wonderful. Attentive (probably too attentive), a great father, an equal partner, intelligent, and so handsome, even! But we don’t really connect, aside from having similar political views, enjoying nice dinners, and traveling.

We have a nice life. And a child under 10. But I feel like this is a pretend marriage, and I don’t know if I can do it for another decade. But…our child…

He knows how I feel, and there’s talk of opening up the marriage. I’m not particularly looking for a sexual relationship for the sake of having sex. But I want him to be happy, even if it’s without me.

I know I’ve broken his heart. And I feel terrible. I wish I could be that person for him. And I keep hoping that something will click with therapy, time, and having honest conversations.

I suppose I’m just venting.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you’re having a mid life crisis. Consider getting your stuff together and remembering your vows and obligations.

[Anonymous]

Having you been having an emotional or full affair?

[Anonymous]

I wonder if we as a society need to talk about how relationships change over time and what to expect. At a time in our life as our children are growing older and needing us in a different way, we start expecting our married relationship to be more like it was in the beginning. We don't look at our teens and think something is wrong when they no longer tell us we're the best person ever and they want to live with us forever and ever and ever.

What is a normal expectation of a relationship at the 20 year mark? I don't know. But a lot of people become unhappy when it's not like it was at the one year mark.

[Anonymous]

Is it a midlife crisis if your sex life has been unfulfilling and emotional intimacy has been missing for most of the marriage? Maybe I’m having a bit of a midlife crisis. Or maybe I’m just finally becoming less afraid to voice things I have felt for some time?

I’m trying to get my shit together (to the pp). Put myself in therapy, etc. If I was depressed, I’d gladly go on meds. I will continue working on my marriage. And just hope that it becomes obvious one way or the other to stay put or leave the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Loretta Lynn captured this (involuntary) loss of love. I really think it happens more with women than men, who tend to be more unchanging in their feelings. It must be less common with childless-by-choice couples, because the arrival of children A.: introduces object/s of unconditional adoration and B.: creates potent and chronic sources of bickering (workload sharing, financial stress, childcare, career choices, sleep deprivation, body changes, etc. etc.).

Tingle Becomes A Chill
Song by Loretta Lynn

Sometimes at night while you're fast asleep
I lie here alone in the darkness and weep
So sorry and sad but that's part of the deal
When the tingle becomes a chill

I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I'll swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill

You're so contented but for me it's all gone
And though I pretend you just don't turn me on
The body performs but the soul has no will
When the tingle becomes a chill

I never wanted to stop lovin' you
I swear by the breathe in my body that's true
Ah, but a woman can't help the way that she feels
When the tingle becomes a chill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it a midlife crisis if your sex life has been unfulfilling and emotional intimacy has been missing for most of the marriage? Maybe I’m having a bit of a midlife crisis. Or maybe I’m just finally becoming less afraid to voice things I have felt for some time?

I’m trying to get my shit together (to the pp). Put myself in therapy, etc. If I was depressed, I’d gladly go on meds. I will continue working on my marriage. And just hope that it becomes obvious one way or the other to stay put or leave the marriage.

It is a midlife crisis because it dies not make sense. He is handsome, great father, intelligent, etc.

So what is missing? What are you working on since you claim you are working hard? What are your options. Meet someone new every 2-5 years?

You are being lazy and immature. Otherwise, you'd have an action plan about what it is that you are missing and the steps you are taking to get to the right place with this person that you have only positive things to say. It sounds like you are chasing butterfly feelings. You'd leave here and find a new guy, then leave again. Those kinds of feelings ne er last.

You can make a choice to be happy here in this good relationship that you have of you grow up and be honest about why you are feeling this way. Did you meet someone else? Are you holding some grudges from the past? Do you need some more one on one time? Etc.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry for all the typos

[Anonymous]

Get antidepressants.

[Anonymous]

After 25 years, why talk about love right now?

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely the problem here. 100 percent.

If you'd like to blow up your life looking for that neurochemical thrill, by all means but don't delude yourself ... it's you.

[Anonymous]

Girl you are looking for trouble. Calm down and remember that you’re not going to feel like year 2 at year 20. What does your therapist say?

[Anonymous]

Thank you for explaining what my wife cannot, the gut don’t lie.

[Anonymous]

You’re looking for anticipation that comes from uncertainty. Certainly is kind of akin to death. You have to shake things up—try doing things you’re afraid of together or at least new things.

It also sounds like you bought into a fantasy that lust will last forever.

As for that tingle poem, I have nothing but eye rolls…

[Anonymous]

DCUM women are so self-possessed and immature. OP is Exhibit A.