I think my marriage may be over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s the alternative? The dating scene is dreadful. You divorce and he is a great catch and probably ends up w/ a great woman who may be younger, while you’re dating men w/ dad bods who got burned in their divorces and won’t commit or are alcoholics.

Sounds like you need a
Rush of brain chemicals. Google how to do that naturally or go on meds.

This. An intelligent, attractive, kind, gainfully employed divorced man will probably find someone else quickly. If you only have one kid, he may well end up with a younger woman and have another child with her.

[Anonymous]

This happens to most of us, OP.
When there's mental issues in a household member (such as ADHD, ASD, anxiety or depression), then it makes it so much worse.

My solution has been to lighten the stress as much as possible by not taking on too much, and seeking fulfilling relationships. That way, I don't ask too much of my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are absolutely the problem here. 100 percent.

If you'd like to blow up your life looking for that neurochemical thrill, by all means but don't delude yourself ... it's you.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it a midlife crisis if your sex life has been unfulfilling and emotional intimacy has been missing for most of the marriage? Maybe I’m having a bit of a midlife crisis. Or maybe I’m just finally becoming less afraid to voice things I have felt for some time?

I’m trying to get my shit together (to the pp). Put myself in therapy, etc. If I was depressed, I’d gladly go on meds. I will continue working on my marriage. And just hope that it becomes obvious one way or the other to stay put or leave the marriage.

It is a midlife crisis because it dies not make sense. He is handsome, great father, intelligent, etc.

So what is missing? What are you working on since you claim you are working hard? What are your options. Meet someone new every 2-5 years?

You are being lazy and immature. Otherwise, you'd have an action plan about what it is that you are missing and the steps you are taking to get to the right place with this person that you have only positive things to say. It sounds like you are chasing butterfly feelings. You'd leave here and find a new guy, then leave again. Those kinds of feelings ne er last.

You can make a choice to be happy here in this good relationship that you have of you grow up and be honest about why you are feeling this way. Did you meet someone else? Are you holding some grudges from the past? Do you need some more one on one time? Etc.

NP. The post above is blunt and accurate, OP. Your complaints are vague, vague, vague. Other than "infrequent" sex (and you don't say it's bad, just infrequent), which is fixable if one actually commits to fixing it, what is going wrong here? He's attentive (read the INNUMERABLE posts on DCUM from wives saying their husbands are not attentive and then think about the fact yours actually IS). You praise pretty much everything about him.

Please re-read the post above. What real work are you both doing to get closer? Why are you already talking about opening up the marriage if you have not even make any real attempt to figure out why you are feeling this way, especially since your feeling seems to be....again, vague and amorphous and just sounds like boredom and -- i have to side with PP's bluntness here -- laziness about working on the relationship? Do you not know that opening up to outside sex for either or both of you will be all the nails in the coffin of what sounds like a quite normal-to-good marriage, OP?

Is this all part of a bigger picture you aren't seeing? Do you have jobs/obligations/kid stuff/your family/his family stuff that is just...draining? Do you feel "blah" about things other than him and the marriage but you're focused just on "The marriage is blah" and not seeing that there's a bigger picture here, and the common denominator is that you, yourself, are not engaging fully in the marriage and maybe other things too?

You need to step back from the self-focused "I'm not in hot passionate newlywed butterflies love and maybe we were never that emotionally intimate" talk. It's water under the bridge. If he's attentive and wants to be with you, you and he need to talk about your real needs--what does "emotional intimacy" mean to you? To him? How frank are you both about WHY sex isn't fulfilling? Do you both expect perfection or a certain ideal in bed? (Many people on DCUM seem to think they should step out for sex if sex in the marriage doesn't meet some ideal, yet they don't ever seem to articulate what that ideal is. That's how rot sets in, when people vaguely talk about wanting "more" and "different" but never think through what those mean. And if you think you or he will waltz out and find great sex partners easily--don't believe everything you read on DCUM.)

You and he need marriage therapy STAT but you also need individual therapy to work on why you are wanting things you don't even seem to be able to articulate beyond "the sex isn't and never was that great and I want emotional intimacy." This is not unique. Be unique and actually work on this rather than just meandering your way into sex outside marriage, affairs, divorce. At least make a deep and real effort. And for God's sake, talk to each other and not just about marriage and sex but find some common ground and interests.

I've been married 30 years and if you don't work on it, don't commit to the commitment and put in effort, then sure,you'll end up divorced. Divorce is necessary at times. What you describe sounds like just a drift and lack of work. How do you feel about losing half your time with your kid? Dating in midlife and ending up with sex that might or might not happen and might or might not be your dream sex? Getting older alone or among dates who don't have any shared experiences with you?

[Anonymous]

Op I have two recommendations for you-

Read "This is How Your Marriage Ends" it's about this exact situation (actually you should both read it.

Google Walk Away Wife Syndrome

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s the alternative? The dating scene is dreadful. You divorce and he is a great catch and probably ends up w/ a great woman who may be younger, while you’re dating men w/ dad bods who got burned in their divorces and won’t commit or are alcoholics.

Sounds like you need a
Rush of brain chemicals. Google how to do that naturally or go on meds.

This. An intelligent, attractive, kind, gainfully employed divorced man will probably find someone else quickly. If you only have one kid, he may well end up with a younger woman and have another child with her.

You and PP have some strange comments.

How does telling OP that ger DH might be better off if they divorce help her get out of her immature thinking? Shouldn't that make her less hesitant to blow things up since she wouldn't have to feel guilty about messing things up for her DH ( after all he will find someone else quickly, right?)?

She is not competing with her DH to see who might be better off in a divorce. It's such an irrelevant comment at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take advantage of the open marriage and try and find someone you have an intense connection with to experience it.

Yes, it’s a cake and eat it too scenario…but assuming you’re a mature adult who can be discreet and careful…which sounds like you and your spouse are…there’s no reason not too.

Life is short and marriage is long. Emotional and sexual connection are like nature’s therapy.

OP, this is the kind of "just do it, and you'll find that intense connection!" open marriage proselytizing that goes on here.

There is zero guarantee that you will be able to find what you seek, which you can't even truly describe yet, by stepping out. But posts like the one above just blissfully advocate it as if you'll so easily find what you seek. Do you really buy that, OP? If so, you're naive and not thinking. Get help for the decent marriage you have. You need to ask yourself tough questions, not just open up the marriage as a default setting because you and DH weren't willing to do hard work and treat "love" as a verb (as a much wiser PP put it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We love each other, but it feels more platonic, more so on my end. Sex has been infrequent for years and there is limited affection otherwise. We both would like more, but if I’m honest, I pull away from him.

I don’t want to feel this way. He’s wonderful. Attentive (probably too attentive), a great father, an equal partner, intelligent, and so handsome, even! But we don’t really connect, aside from having similar political views, enjoying nice dinners, and traveling.

We have a nice life. And a child under 10. But I feel like this is a pretend marriage, and I don’t know if I can do it for another decade. But…our child…

He knows how I feel, and there’s talk of opening up the marriage. I’m not particularly looking for a sexual relationship for the sake of having sex. But I want him to be happy, even if it’s without me.

I know I’ve broken his heart. And I feel terrible. I wish I could be that person for him. And I keep hoping that something will click with therapy, time, and having honest conversations.

I suppose I’m just venting.

Have you gone to therapy to explore why you are sabotaging this wet dream of a marriage?

Okay, maybe not wet dream - but it sounds better than 90% of the marriages I’ve seen, and I have seen many and worked in family and criminal courts. It certainly doesn’t sound like you should be divorcing. You should be working on your issues so you can recommit to a healthy and otherwise functional marriage.

[Anonymous]

Was the chemistry/connection ever there, or were you “settling” at the time of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Btw, your marriage sounds wonderful. Compare it to the real strife described on this forum.

[Anonymous]

I would hone in on the too attentive part.

OP did not mention him as a good provider, so I wonder if this is one of those marriages where she is the breadwinner. That itself is very taxin.

I wonder if her DH is kind of lackluster and career, and not really great about making his own friends, so spends all of his energy on her?

[Anonymous]

Also, you admit you pull away from him. How about you try leaning in for a bit?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar marriage. We married young and there was never a great connection. We’re divorced now and I’m with someone else who I connected with immediately and am very happy. However, I would tell you to try everything to reconnect and improve the marriage so you have no regrets. We gave up early on and I sometimes wonder if we could have repaired things if we tried harder earlier. It can be very sad not to see your child as much over the years. I still sometimes struggle with that.

Based on this, OP, you should try everything to fix the issue that seems to be centered around you. This poster here says it - they wish they tried harder. They don't get to see their child often. Even though they connected with someone immediately, they still show some regrets/sadness on the decision that was made. Learn from other people's experience to make yours a better one.

[Anonymous]

You are absolutely the problem here. 100 percent.

If you'd like to blow up your life looking for that neurochemical thrill, by all means but don't delude yourself ... it's you.

+1

[Anonymous]

I would never ever leave in this situation. I’d seek individual therapy and fix YOU.