Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

Yes and part of helping kids launch is establishing reasonable boundaries.

DP. OP said his kids are *still in college.*

When I was in college I still considered my parents’ house to be my home. There were rules over breaks about keeping the noise down past a certain hour but I 100% was using the pool and having friends over basically when I wanted. I ate what I wanted in the house. I came and went as I pleased although I’d give them a courtesy heads up about where I was headed and when I’d be home so they wouldn’t worry. But I definitely wasn’t acting like a house guest.

Of course my parents were still married and they love me and knew my friends and had a general interest in my life and having me around. OP’s GF doesn’t have that level of interest in their life so it feels like an imposition on her.

Yes still in college is part of the launch period.
It's great your parents didn't give a shit what you did or at least pretended not to.
The fact still remains it's not inappropriate to call and let someone know you are coming over or bringing friends home

So in between going off to college and coming home for Christmas break your kids had to start letting you know when they’d be home and have friends over? Suddenly they’re guests to you and your house is no longer home to them? I guess you just didn’t have that close of a relationship with your parents.

Yes to the first part

No to the second. We see each other several times a week.

I don't know where your parents failed you that you'd hope someone had a terrible relationship with their parents

Where did you read the word hope?

[Anonymous]

Who she thinks she is?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, I would be super annoyed if my significant other's college aged kids were randomly dropping by and bringing their friends to his pool, just saying. I'm not saying OP's wrong about an open door policy with his kids but that would be SUPER annoying

If you were his WIFE and your name was on the deed, then it would matter. But since she’s a GIRLFRIEND be it’s not her house, it doesn’t.

If she is a live-in and/or very serious girlfriend it's absolutely her right.

Nope. And OP is smart and prioritizes his kids, so it sounds like it won’t be an issue anyway, since she won’t be allowed to move into his house if she demands to control his kids. Good.

These are college kids coming to use the pool, they are not coming to have heart-to-heart bonding with Daddy. It is totally and completely reasonable for her to have a heads up that people who don't live at the house, will be at the house. As the *parent* in this situation (not the girlfriend), I would want a heads up that my child is coming, so she doesn't walk in on us doing it or something.

They have their own place it sounds like.they have already moved out. I think it's more than reasonable to have them call before coming over especially with friends.

[Anonymous]

I would not like adults showing up with no notice at my house. You said the kids bring friends. Does she always need to be dressed and neat, have food in the fridge?

If it became my house also, I would want advance notice before 20 years olds showed up, en masse.

Team GF.
Tekatiobshios require Comoros, to be healthy and fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Well said!. I think some posters have very young kids and or sexless marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Well said!. I think some posters have very young kids and or sexless marriages

Completely agree.

[Anonymous]

OP, to come full circle, could you date your best friend's ex? All the exes, the kids and all their friends could party at your pool forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

Did you miss the part where he wanted her to move in? If she moves in, it’s her home. She should leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

Did you miss the part where he wanted her to move in? If she moves in, it’s her home. She should leave.

Well we certainly can agree on that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

Did you miss the part where he wanted her to move in? If she moves in, it’s her home. She should leave.

I'm generally aligned with where you're going here, but if she moves in, it's not going to ever be her home. That is obvious from the text and subtext of OP's posts. Now it's college kids and their friends, next it's girlfriends and fiancés, followed by spouses, and then grandchildren. She'll forever be an outsider in his home if she moves in. Bad deal for OP's girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have young adult children who are still in college but live on their own but my ex wife and I still support them. They have been coming over more than usual (mostly weekends) because I have a pool not necessarily to visit me. lol Sometimes they bring their friends.

My kids can come over whenever they want and don't have to call or knock. They have keys to the house. It has never occurred to me to ask them to call first. Its a very foreign concept to me to do otherwise.

I have a gf and we have been together 3 years and she stays over a lot. Maybe 4/7 days a week. We have talked about her moving in but she told me I needed to create some boundaries with my kids. She said they needed to call first or be invited. Maybe not come over quite so much and to limit how long they stayed and limit their pool time.

I told her she was being offensive and she would never ever dictate anything regarding my kids. The way I looked at it we could either break up or keep the status quo of living separately. She started crying and she told me our family dynamics were not normal. I told her since she had no children she could not make that judgment. I was talking to my ex wife husband who is also my best friend and asked him for advice. He said he is the same way with his kids and if my ex wife ever came to him with that garbage he would divorce her and is sure she would do the same.

Am I off base here? I really think I need to break up with her. This has never been an issue before.

Red flags. Get out of this relationship as soon as possible and find a girlfriend who welcome to your kids. Ironically, it’s her that needs to understand boundaries. It’s a blessing that your children want to be near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

Show your GF what you wrote here. If she has self respect she will leave for someone who wants a relationship of equals with her.

“Relationship of equals” is just stupid pseudo intellect. The thing is they want different lifestyles and that is ok. Maybe it means they won’t be together. But there is nothing “unequal” about things.

If OP’s GF had kids of her own she would grasp the absurdity of expecting OP’s young adult kids needing an invite to their childhood home. Like many parents, OP enjoys having his kids around. He likes the lifestyle of kids and friends around. He likes the “family lifestyle.” He will probably want a houseful of grandkids visiting some day too.

Whereas GF wants a very adult only lifestyle. She doesn’t mind the kids around in a limited house guest capacity. That isn’t compatible with someone who is an engaged parent who views their parental responsibilities as going past age 18.

Relationship of equals means having a say over whether a bunch of college students comes into her home to throw a pool party when she had a headache.

It means expecting to be consulted over whether they’re hosting the night before she had a big work presentation.

I am extremely close to my parents and I don’t just walk into their home, nor do they just walk into mine. If my husband and I want to have sex on the couch or I want to walk topless after showering I deserve that freedom in my home and— get this— so do my parents. OP wants to dictate the level of privacy to which his girlfriend is entitled and that is not a relationship of equals.

She should leave.

Did you miss the part where it’s not her home?

Did you miss the part where he wanted her to move in? If she moves in, it’s her home. She should leave.

I'm generally aligned with where you're going here, but if she moves in, it's not going to ever be her home. That is obvious from the text and subtext of OP's posts. Now it's college kids and their friends, next it's girlfriends and fiancés, followed by spouses, and then grandchildren. She'll forever be an outsider in his home if she moves in. Bad deal for OP's girlfriend.

Yes, he needs to find a more easy-going, welcoming woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not like adults showing up with no notice at my house. You said the kids bring friends. Does she always need to be dressed and neat, have food in the fridge?

If it became my house also, I would want advance notice before 20 years olds showed up, en masse.

Team GF.
Tekatiobshios require Comoros, to be healthy and fair.

+ 1. My tekatiobshio has always required Comoros.