Was I wrong in telling my girlfriend she has no say when my kids come over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

You sound awesome. Come back when you're single!

[Anonymous]

If the kids don't mind seeing Dad's Sex-DoorDasher hanging around, and aren't embarrassed to barf ein in her, I don't see a problem with them coming or going as they please.

Unless, OP, she isn't just your prostitute? (It's not clear from your post.) Maybe she's a human being who wants some boundaries in her home, and wants to thoughtfully develop a relationship with your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here,

I am willing to compromise but not by much. My gf wants to limit the time they spend at my house and I think that is why I reacted so strongly and put the break up option on the table.

I can tell her that the kids can text before they arrive but that is it. That is as far as I am willing to compromise. I don't think that will be enough for her though. As for her background she is divorced and concentrated on her career vs having kids and decided not to have children of her own.

I live in the house they grew up in so they do consider it their home and I want them to. I am use to a revolving door of kids and a loud house.

I am fairly certain we are going to break up but you all gave me a lot to think about.

So as far as my ex wifes husband and our friendship. We are bonded by a mutual love of sports. Our kids are friends and attended the same school. Two of our sons are athletes which meant lots of time on the road and going to games. It started as car pooling and then we started hanging out on our own. It evolved over time. The ex and I had a very amicable divorce so there were no hard feelings on either side.

You sound awesome. Come back when you're single!

Cut the interloper loose and form a proper throuple with your ex and her husband. Win-win-win-win. Family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:S/O Tell us about how your ex wife wound up married to your best friend.

When you kiss someone you kiss everyone they've kissed. Same goes for bro hugs with your ex's new man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is crossing the line here and hitting one another. Why would you even ask her to live with you if your kids can come and go?

For more convenient access to her body.

[Anonymous]

I mean what’s your end game OP? Find someone to date who wants to live in a frat house? Go for it, that’s obviously not your current gf.

I am sure watching you fail in yet another adult relationship will not surprise your children whom you have raised without manners. I don’t suspect they’re going to be very interested in you in a few years. Nor will many women. Keep writing checks for your kids and having no standards for behavior though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean what’s your end game OP? Find someone to date who wants to live in a frat house? Go for it, that’s obviously not your current gf.

I am sure watching you fail in yet another adult relationship will not surprise your children whom you have raised without manners. I don’t suspect they’re going to be very interested in you in a few years. Nor will many women. Keep writing checks for your kids and having no standards for behavior though!

I have kids the same age and I am thrilled when they come over and bring friends. It’s a normal way to operate with young adults (one of many.)

[Anonymous]

Limiting their time there, unacceptable.

Calling/texting ahead, especially if friends are coming, just basic courtesy. I call my parents now and they’re in their 70s - it’s just normal and expected as adults. Since you are very much their parent still, setting expectations for basic etiquette should be normal, even as they get older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean what’s your end game OP? Find someone to date who wants to live in a frat house? Go for it, that’s obviously not your current gf.

I am sure watching you fail in yet another adult relationship will not surprise your children whom you have raised without manners. I don’t suspect they’re going to be very interested in you in a few years. Nor will many women. Keep writing checks for your kids and having no standards for behavior though!

I have kids the same age and I am thrilled when they come over and bring friends. It’s a normal way to operate with young adults (one of many.)

And your kids don’t tell you they’re bringing guests?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

I'm not a guest in my parent's home, but I also don't just show up unannounced, and certainly not with guests. I think GF is completely justified in wanting a reasonable expectation of privacy if she's going to make this her home. It's not saying the kids aren't welcome. It's saying this would be her home too, not just OP, and she deserves to know when she'll be entertaining, and maybe even occasionally say she's not up to it.

The kids are adults with their own homes. We're not talking about teens still living at home with dad.

[Anonymous]

He wants her to move in. He doesn’t want to make his home “their” home. He doesn’t want to change anything about the way lives and it’s not only about the lack of boundaries with his adult children. None of this makes him a “awesome dad” btw.
She should RUN. He will never respect her or prioritize her.
Most of the responses on here encouraging OP to dump her because she doesn’t get it, etc. are very obviously written by OP or by the same asshat poster with attitude similar to OP.
The fact that OP is best friends with his ex-wife’s husband is another red flag in my opinion. Serious lack of boundaries.
Hopefully the gf reads DCUM and will realize that it’s time to pull the plug on this relationship.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the reasons kidfree people shouldn't even bother to date people who have kids. OP's girlfriend is wasting her time and should find someone else to date, preferably someone who is younger and doesn't have kids.

[Anonymous]

Op’s kids are adults. It’s his choice to revolve around them but it is not required at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons kidfree people shouldn't even bother to date people who have kids. OP's girlfriend is wasting her time and should find someone else to date, preferably someone who is younger and doesn't have kids.

+1 Feel sorry for the GF in this case, she deserves someone who will put her first not after multiple adult kids.
Hope OP cuts her loose soon so she can go out and find someone without baggage.

Fwiw OP I think you're a fine parent but I'd go for someone with kids the next time around, she will understand that kids always come first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would she not get a say in who comes over to her home and when?? If she moves in, it's her home too. Of course she deserves a heads up when she will have guests!

They’re not guests. They’re OP’s kids. OP is never going to treat them like guests. Maybe a rule could be set up about a heads up if they bring a friend over. But the kids are family and likely consider their dad’s house “home” the way many young adult children do when they are first launching.

I'm not a guest in my parent's home, but I also don't just show up unannounced, and certainly not with guests. I think GF is completely justified in wanting a reasonable expectation of privacy if she's going to make this her home. It's not saying the kids aren't welcome. It's saying this would be her home too, not just OP, and she deserves to know when she'll be entertaining, and maybe even occasionally say she's not up to it.

The kids are adults with their own homes. We're not talking about teens still living at home with dad.

I agree with this, but I also think OP is being reasonable as well. It just means they shouldn’t move in together.