SIL asked us to take her kids overnight

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL's HS reunion is coming up. She and my BIL want to get a hotel and be able to drink and not have to drive.

They have asked us to take in their 2 kids overnight, ages 4 and 7. The 4 y/o still needs help in the bathroom.

Here's the thing: we don't have any strong established relationship with their kids. We have never watched their kids alone for even 1 hour. We have a 4 year old, DH and I both work full-time. I am also in grad school so any extra evening time is for my studying. I don't want to give up 24 hours of what is normally quiet family time to have 3, rambunctious kids in my house. There's a reason DH and I have one kid. We like our downtime and quiet time.

My SIL received full-time childcare from my MIL for 5+ years while her kids were young until recently. In the past few years, MI got sick and had to downsize her home with FIL. They now live 2 hours away. I'm not sure why they're asking us and not my BIL's mom who watches their girls on a regular basis.

I'm not opposed to helping them out now and then - but when we went to SIL for help in the past with childcare emergencies she was never available. She and my MIL never watched my son once. As a result, DH and I built a strong network of babysitters and nannies who have watched our kids overnight on the occasion, at the cost of $25/hr. SIL does not want to pay this, nor does she have any babysitters she can call on since she's relied on MIL. What if one of them pukes in the middle of the night and BIL and SIL are wasted and don't come and pick them up? THere was just too many variables that I was not comfortable with.

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

Don't do it. No good deed goes unpunished. She can hire an overnight nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Martyred much?

It's one night, not a lifetime commitment.

You sound like a user and someone who wants other women to conform. What does it matter if it's one night or a lifetime committment. OP is being asked to direct her limited resources to people who don't value her, her kid or a relationship. Just because the user has a genetic relationship with her DH and DC makes no difference.

You may chose to direct your energy to this sort of thing but you need to stop expecting/pushing women to make the same choices you have made. The overnight doesn't work for OP. It's too bad she's been conditioned by people like you to feel guilty for not allowing herself to be taken advantage of.

That would be well and good if you were talking about loaning SIL money or a car or helping her with household chores. But we're talking about children who are members of OP's family and who are her child's cousins. The children aren't using anybody. They are kids with alcoholic parents who no one is looking out for.

OP and DH have an obligation to their nieces/nephews. They shouldn't be ignoring what is going on in SIL's family. They should be offering to help the CHILDREN when they can. One night is a small ask. They're not being asked to foster these kids.

You can defend and justify OP's selfishness (and yours!) however you like. But the fact is that you are defending abandoning children to alcoholic parents on the basis that you're too busy to help.

You're monsters.

DP, not one you're responding to.

You magically made SIL into an alcoholic. OP said the BIL is an alcoholic with a DUI but did not say that SIL is an alcoholic.

You also need to learn what "enabling" is. OP and her DH --mostly her DH, he is the relative here -- would be enabling BIL's drinking if they agree to this.

Very sadly, I suspect that the SIL might want overnight sitters so she doesn't have to deal with her husband getting angry at her when he's at the event, is getting drunk and wants to stay and keep drinking, but she's had to stay sober to drive and she's telling him they absolutely have to leave now to get home for the kids. That's sad for the SIL, genuinely. But this is one occasion. The real issue is the BIL's alcoholism and that's where DH needs to talk seriously to his sister once she's stopped the petty pouting. BIL needs to get treatment. Bigger picture and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she would even trust you to watch her kids is a compliment.

Saying no is such a huge kick in the face. Mainly to those kids, your kid's cousins.

You are very selfish and mean.

Not wanting to help for all these reasons! It's for the kids!

Spoken like a true moocher of free childcare from everyone you know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.

Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.

So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?

I probably should have clarified that.

Initially I thought people may agree with me that it's not my obligation.

We were asked out of the blue to watch her kids. We were both surprised, because we have never watched her kids by ourselves and don't have that kind of childcare sharing relationship.

I am wondering where the "but they're family" argument comes in here - especially when there isn't a pre-existing relationship and it's not for lack of trying. But now it appears there is a strong expectation that I should take these kids in for the night. I am wondering why there is such a strong expectation placed on women to maintain social bonds. Especially when in the past i have tried to develop a relationship with my SIL and my attempts/texts went unanswered.
I do not expect my DH to maintain a relationship with my sister. So why is there an unreciprocated expectation that I should somehow maintain a relationship with my SIL and her kids? Or put on a big sleepover for her and her kids? Why are men/uncles not given the same expectation to put on a FUN kids sleepover?

Alot of people are right, I don't like her. I think she and BIL are trashy as hell with tolerance of his drinking. My own husband is in AA, so it's not like I haven't been there/done that with an alcoholic spouse. There are other people who can watch them for the night, my DH and I are not the sole options here.

I'm a social worker (yes, incoming eye rolls, and I'm waiting for people to tell me I shouldn't be a social worker because I don't have endless capacity for compassion and empathy). I do not like the idea of sleepovers for multiple reasons. I'm not planning on letting my own kid have sleepovers for a very long time.

I am wondering why despite all of that discomfort, people feel I should roll over and take one for the team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is sooo busy with her own kid and her own life and couldn’t possibly find the time to help her family out - yet she has plenty of time to write a novel on an anonymous chat board and bash them.

You’re just a mean person, OP. That’s the bottom line.

OP here. They are not my family. They are my son's and husband's family. I can count on one hand the amount of time he's seen them in the last 2 years. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and 3 birthdays. That's it. And you're right, I don't like them for a number of reasons. BIL is an alcoholic and has had multiple DUI's over the last 10 years. He doesn't put his kids in carseats half the time. I have zero interest in supporting them getting hammered for the evening and waiting for them to come pick the kids up when they're hungover. And I know, I will get flack for not taking these kids in with alcoholic parents.

They are coming to us because MIL dropped their regular support of childcare. We're not "helping them out", they have plenty other options like BIL's mom or one of SIL's friends.

I guess what I don't understand is DCUM's groupthink that you have to bend over backwards for family, even family that you don't like or spend time with often.

SUCH TYPICAL DCUM BULLSHIT.

Poster posts an issue seeking advice and opinions. Doesn’t like the responses. Gets defensive and changes the story, adding important details inexplicably not included in the original post.

If you don’t want to enable alcoholics than just say no. Jesus OP you’re exhausting.

Seriously. First post was all about her problems with sil and mil. Because everyone didn't join in bashing them, she's flipped the narrative. You can do what you want, op. But own it and be honest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.

Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.

So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?

I probably should have clarified that.

Initially I thought people may agree with me that it's not my obligation.

We were asked out of the blue to watch her kids. We were both surprised, because we have never watched her kids by ourselves and don't have that kind of childcare sharing relationship.

I am wondering where the "but they're family" argument comes in here - especially when there isn't a pre-existing relationship and it's not for lack of trying. But now it appears there is a strong expectation that I should take these kids in for the night. I am wondering why there is such a strong expectation placed on women to maintain social bonds. Especially when in the past i have tried to develop a relationship with my SIL and my attempts/texts went unanswered.
I do not expect my DH to maintain a relationship with my sister. So why is there an unreciprocated expectation that I should somehow maintain a relationship with my SIL and her kids? Or put on a big sleepover for her and her kids? Why are men/uncles not given the same expectation to put on a FUN kids sleepover?

Alot of people are right, I don't like her. I think she and BIL are trashy as hell with tolerance of his drinking. My own husband is in AA, so it's not like I haven't been there/done that with an alcoholic spouse. There are other people who can watch them for the night, my DH and I are not the sole options here.

I'm a social worker (yes, incoming eye rolls, and I'm waiting for people to tell me I shouldn't be a social worker because I don't have endless capacity for compassion and empathy). I do not like the idea of sleepovers for multiple reasons. I'm not planning on letting my own kid have sleepovers for a very long time.

I am wondering why despite all of that discomfort, people feel I should roll over and take one for the team.

op, most people supported you in your decision not to host. They just didn't join you in villifying mil and sil. That's what you wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.

Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.

So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?

I probably should have clarified that.

Initially I thought people may agree with me that it's not my obligation.

We were asked out of the blue to watch her kids. We were both surprised, because we have never watched her kids by ourselves and don't have that kind of childcare sharing relationship.

I am wondering where the "but they're family" argument comes in here - especially when there isn't a pre-existing relationship and it's not for lack of trying. But now it appears there is a strong expectation that I should take these kids in for the night. I am wondering why there is such a strong expectation placed on women to maintain social bonds. Especially when in the past i have tried to develop a relationship with my SIL and my attempts/texts went unanswered.
I do not expect my DH to maintain a relationship with my sister. So why is there an unreciprocated expectation that I should somehow maintain a relationship with my SIL and her kids? Or put on a big sleepover for her and her kids? Why are men/uncles not given the same expectation to put on a FUN kids sleepover?

Alot of people are right, I don't like her. I think she and BIL are trashy as hell with tolerance of his drinking. My own husband is in AA, so it's not like I haven't been there/done that with an alcoholic spouse. There are other people who can watch them for the night, my DH and I are not the sole options here.

I'm a social worker (yes, incoming eye rolls, and I'm waiting for people to tell me I shouldn't be a social worker because I don't have endless capacity for compassion and empathy). I do not like the idea of sleepovers for multiple reasons. I'm not planning on letting my own kid have sleepovers for a very long time.

I am wondering why despite all of that discomfort, people feel I should roll over and take one for the team.

op, most people supported you in your decision not to host. They just didn't join you in villifying mil and sil. That's what you wanted.

OP here. Good point.

Yes, you're right. I don't like her. That guides how most of my interactions with extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nothing like family!

100%

These are OP's child's cousins. It's one night. OP could plan a fun night for her child and her child's cousins. Instead, she's whining about how it's not fair. Of course it's not fair. Family is rarely fair. You could do the right thing or not. Up to you.

Found the mooch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just have your DH say, 'it doesn't work for us' and put it behind you.

I'm 58 and out of F*&ks to give. I'm so tired of women expecting other women to 'be the bigger person', 'do it for family', 'if you don't do it/want to do it, you clearly hate them'. I'm tired of being expected to put in extra effort, to, once again, suppress my wants/needs to accommodate someone else's. I don't blame OP and her DH for being miffed about this request. It reeks of being used.

Relationships need to be reciprocal and, clearly, this one isn't. So many of you are reading more into it than is there or hoping for an outcome that is unlikely. This isn't about building family relationships. It's about free childcare. If OP and her DH were interested in providing childcare, they'd at least get paid for it.

I get that I'm probably older than most on DCUM and have had more years to experience this, more years to get fed up and be done with it. It took me a long time to feel strong enough to reject the pressure to 'be nice', to conform. Life is too short to invest time in the schemes of users. I suspect the annoyance I hear in OP's posts is a reflection of cognitivie dissonance. She feels pressure to conform but is resentful because she knows she's being used.

Op here. 100% nailed it, I wish we could be friends because you get it.

2 insane people found each other

And we found the SIL.

[Anonymous]

Sheesh… just do know. Bottom line is you do not like them. Hate that they got help you did not, and feel like they have not extended a helping hand to you. So by all means say know. Because any grown ass parent who dies not know how to handle puking kids past 8pm does not need to be in charge of any kids at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not my problem, right? SIL is very chuffed with my DH that we won't take her kids for an entire night. We don't have a strong relationship with them. DH hasn't talked to her in several weeks, we only really see them at holidays and birthdays.

So this was buried at the very end of your post, OP. I read this as, you and DH have already TOLD your SIL you won't take the kids. Is that a correct read? If so, why the concern on your part now? If your DH has already told her clearly that you and he are saying no, there's not a question to answer here other than "This is not my problem, right?" to which my answer is, nope, it's not.

You're going to get a big contingent of "But familyyyy! Cousins! Cousins should be OhSoClose! Take them!" posts here. I don't fall into that camp. You don't need to twist yourself into knots waffling over whether this is or was a problem. Your DH (not you! DH) says, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us" and then sticks to it without explaining. Over-explaining is NOT your friend. If you're not comfortable because you barely know the kids, that is perfectly legit -- and all the "Oh but cousins should be besties!" posts in the world shouldn't change that. Maybe after all this, you can offer to do more with them and their kids all together, and get to know the kids--you say you'd like to. But you are not at all obliged here. DH handles all this, though, not you. I'd just say "That doesn't work for us" and if asked why, I'd only add, "Here's a number for a sitter we use, and she might know other overnight sitters, or maybe BIL's mom is available." and then change the topic.

Op here. You read that correctly. DH has told her no, she’s displeased with him.

So then what exactly brings you here to post? What are you looking for?

I probably should have clarified that.

Initially I thought people may agree with me that it's not my obligation.

We were asked out of the blue to watch her kids. We were both surprised, because we have never watched her kids by ourselves and don't have that kind of childcare sharing relationship.

I am wondering where the "but they're family" argument comes in here - especially when there isn't a pre-existing relationship and it's not for lack of trying. But now it appears there is a strong expectation that I should take these kids in for the night. I am wondering why there is such a strong expectation placed on women to maintain social bonds. Especially when in the past i have tried to develop a relationship with my SIL and my attempts/texts went unanswered.
I do not expect my DH to maintain a relationship with my sister. So why is there an unreciprocated expectation that I should somehow maintain a relationship with my SIL and her kids? Or put on a big sleepover for her and her kids? Why are men/uncles not given the same expectation to put on a FUN kids sleepover?

Alot of people are right, I don't like her. I think she and BIL are trashy as hell with tolerance of his drinking. My own husband is in AA, so it's not like I haven't been there/done that with an alcoholic spouse. There are other people who can watch them for the night, my DH and I are not the sole options here.

I'm a social worker (yes, incoming eye rolls, and I'm waiting for people to tell me I shouldn't be a social worker because I don't have endless capacity for compassion and empathy). I do not like the idea of sleepovers for multiple reasons. I'm not planning on letting my own kid have sleepovers for a very long time.

I am wondering why despite all of that discomfort, people feel I should roll over and take one for the team.

You are leaning really hard into this "it's misogynist to make me do this" when your DH was asked, not you, and your DH already said no, not you.

People are telling *you* it would be nice to do if you want your kid to be close to their cousins not because you are a woman, but because you are the poster, and because you misled everyone to believe that you wanted your kid to be closer to their cousins, when in fact you think the whole family is trash and you just want people to agree with you that you're better than your SIL.

Also every post brings up some new compelling issue that makes no sense to leave to the 15th page of responses, like "I don't agree with sleepovers and in my professional opinion they shouldn't happen" . . . after pages of "what do you do if they puke?" and "I asked her to watch *my* kid once (not overnight, right??) and she didn't so I hate her forever". You don't seem like a grad student or social worker or family member, you seem like a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your whole yip yaw about the totally side issue of childcare showed your true, resentful colors.

Exactly!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get along with my Sil and bil but like their kids so I would do it. Plus your kid might resent not knowing his cousins. Have sh handle most of the care so you can study

OP here: how much of this relationship building is my responsibility? SIL did not respond to my texts in the past.

The way I see it, it's my husband's responsibility to build his relationship with his sister and playdates. My DH is a little resentful too. We received zero help from any of them in the early days.

A previous PP called it payback. I guess my frustration is that SIL can't really expect free childcare to be extended from us when she provided zero response or interest when my husband was out of town and I had to go to the ER with mastitis and needed someone to watch my 1 y/o at the time. She can figure it out like we had to.

The relationship between cousins is different and not contingent on one sleepover. SIL hasn't really expressed any interest in developing any kind of a sisterly relationship with me, and I can see why. She has a strong relationship with her family, siblings, and friends. I have a much stronger relationship with my own sister (who albeit, lives 8 hours away), but I do make an effort to see my sister at least one a month and have stayed at her house overnight to help with her kids. I'm happy to start developing better relationships between our kids, but I don't want to just become free childcare to them.

OP. Seriously. You are entitled to feel your feelings. But be honest: you just don't like this chick. You probably don't actually want her watching your kids either.

You are right. I don't. I don't want her watching my son. I tolerate them at birthdays and holidays. I don't want to be the one to work on the relationship and want my husband to take initiative in this area and take over the social aspects between his family.

But, I do understand the importance of the cousins developing a relationship. I am willing to try - but not an overnight sleepover. I still see that as my husbands responsibility to manage relationships with his own family. I tried in the early days but she did not reciprocate the interest and I gave up.

I think we all can see why!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this a 24 hour thing? Is it out of town? Why can't they drop the kids off late in the day and pick up in the morning?

Op here, no. It's not out of town.

SIL and my DH still live in the town they grew up in (I did not grow up here). SIL lives about 5 blocks from her old higschool. She married her HS sweetheart and is still close friends with her friends from highschool.

They want to party and not have obligations for 24 hours.

The NERVE!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The fact that she would even trust you to watch her kids is a compliment.

Saying no is such a huge kick in the face. Mainly to those kids, your kid's cousins.

You are very selfish and mean.

Not wanting to help for all these reasons! It's for the kids!

Spoken like a true moocher of free childcare from everyone you know.

+1. Some people will hand their kids over to anyone with a pulse. You don’t have a relationship with her kids, this isn’t an emergency, she just wants to party. I would 100% not give her free babysitting.