Single mom IVF- Fair to future child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand those who say being a SMBC is selfish. I have not slept in since becoming a single mom. I am on duty all the time when my child is with me. I have taken care of my child even when I had food poisoning, etc. I have not applied for jobs that would advance my career because they involve travel, long hours, etc. Being a single mom, whether by choice or not, is really hard. That being said, my son is a great kid who has so many friends and people who care about him.

They say this because statistics show kids raised by a single mother are at a clear disadvantage. They are 5x more likely to use drugs or alcohol, drop out of school, commit suicide, be incarcerated, become homeless, etc.

I don’t know why anyone would want to set their child up to be so disadvantaged. Plus, women can’t raise a boy into a man. Only man can.

If you disaggregate this by age and socio-economic status you will see that it's only the case for this is mostly true for poor teenage girls who get pregnant in HS and end up dropping out. OP seems to be none of these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand those who say being a SMBC is selfish. I have not slept in since becoming a single mom. I am on duty all the time when my child is with me. I have taken care of my child even when I had food poisoning, etc. I have not applied for jobs that would advance my career because they involve travel, long hours, etc. Being a single mom, whether by choice or not, is really hard. That being said, my son is a great kid who has so many friends and people who care about him.

But it is selfish. You are just describing the consequences of your selfish choice of becoming SMBC. It’s ok to admit you made a selfish decision.

[Anonymous]

My opinion is anecdotal as I see how involved mine and DH's dads, our brothers and BILs were/are in raising their children.

Even one of the BILs who wasn't a great financial but so loving and caring for kids that wife and kids missed him every day when he was gone while kids were in early teens.

Fathers play a huge role in a child's life. Obviously, there are bad and indifferent fathers too but good men are almost always dedicated fathers, even if imperfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids raised in single mother homes are at a serious disadvantage and are 5 times more likely to drop out of school, be incarcerated, commit suicide, become a teen parent, become homeless, etc. I think having a child knowing full well you plan to be a single mother is selfish. A child, especially, a boy needs a father in their life. Only a man can raise a boy into a man.

This is all socioeconomic. Not remotely true across the board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand those who say being a SMBC is selfish. I have not slept in since becoming a single mom. I am on duty all the time when my child is with me. I have taken care of my child even when I had food poisoning, etc. I have not applied for jobs that would advance my career because they involve travel, long hours, etc. Being a single mom, whether by choice or not, is really hard. That being said, my son is a great kid who has so many friends and people who care about him.

They say this because statistics show kids raised by a single mother are at a clear disadvantage. They are 5x more likely to use drugs or alcohol, drop out of school, commit suicide, be incarcerated, become homeless, etc.

I don’t know why anyone would want to set their child up to be so disadvantaged. Plus, women can’t raise a boy into a man. Only man can.

If you disaggregate this by age and socio-economic status you will see that it's only the case for this is mostly true for poor teenage girls who get pregnant in HS and end up dropping out. OP seems to be none of these things.

No. It’s young men who suffer the most. Men are more likely to be victims of homicide, most likely to become victims of a crime, commit suicide, become homeless, become incarcerated, etc. Young AA men are the ones suffering the most being raised by single mothers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And poor people having children.

They don't think about the unfairness to the children.

It seems in poor countries people prefer to have more children, helping hands and safety net for old age.

Or they simply don't have access to birth control or women have no say on whether to have sex or use protection. Don't be so naive!

Access to birth control is free and readily available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a single mom not by choice, I say no. Better to adopt a child who needs a loving parent.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids raised in single mother homes are at a serious disadvantage and are 5 times more likely to drop out of school, be incarcerated, commit suicide, become a teen parent, become homeless, etc. I think having a child knowing full well you plan to be a single mother is selfish. A child, especially, a boy needs a father in their life. Only a man can raise a boy into a man.

This is all socioeconomic. Not remotely true across the board.

No evidence to support this. PP is correct.

[Anonymous]

I would never give anyone else legal access to my child. Single mom by choice all the way!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids raised in single mother homes are at a serious disadvantage and are 5 times more likely to drop out of school, be incarcerated, commit suicide, become a teen parent, become homeless, etc. I think having a child knowing full well you plan to be a single mother is selfish. A child, especially, a boy needs a father in their life. Only a man can raise a boy into a man.

This is all socioeconomic. Not remotely true across the board.

No evidence to support this. PP is correct.

Pp is not correct - kids of single mom by choice do just as well as those in two parent families - in general they don’t face the same socioeconomic barriers as single moms by divorce or accidental pregnancy.
https://psycnet.apa.org/fulltext/2020-69295-001.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

This. I thought this was going to be for the woman contemplating it, not some busy-body, judge “friend.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids raised in single mother homes are at a serious disadvantage and are 5 times more likely to drop out of school, be incarcerated, commit suicide, become a teen parent, become homeless, etc. I think having a child knowing full well you plan to be a single mother is selfish. A child, especially, a boy needs a father in their life. Only a man can raise a boy into a man.

This is all socioeconomic. Not remotely true across the board.

No evidence to support this. PP is correct.

Nope. It’s just that predominantly single mom homes are in lower socioeconomic groups. That is true. With money it is not that different to have a single parent home, still have successful role models all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids raised in single mother homes are at a serious disadvantage and are 5 times more likely to drop out of school, be incarcerated, commit suicide, become a teen parent, become homeless, etc. I think having a child knowing full well you plan to be a single mother is selfish. A child, especially, a boy needs a father in their life. Only a man can raise a boy into a man.

This is all socioeconomic. Not remotely true across the board.

No evidence to support this. PP is correct.

Nope. It’s just that predominantly single mom homes are in lower socioeconomic groups. That is true. With money it is not that different to have a single parent home, still have successful role models all around.

Yeah, single moms by choice, through IVF, are their own little niche subgroup of single moms. They're overwhelming older, educated, financially stable, and very committed to parenting well. These UMC and rich women aren't raising high school dropouts/teen parents/felons/homeless kids, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am married but I have friends who are SMBC and in several situations, their kids have more stability and family support than mine do, because the moms have such supportive families.

My spouse and I have really unsupportive extended families. We work hard to make sure our kids have positive relationships and memories with grandparents, and get to know their cousins, but we don't derive any support of any kind from parents or siblings and our families have never been helpful in terms of helping raise our kids; we've had to make tough choices to shield our kids from certain aspects of our families that could be negative influences.

I have a friend who is a SMBC who lives on the same block as her sister who has same age kids, the families share a lot of childcare and support duties, the cousins are very close, and all the adults have meaningful relationships with all the kids.

I have another friends who is a SMBC whose mom lives with her in an apartment attached to her house, is a daily presence in her son's life, is a form of support for my friend. She is filling the role of co-parent, and in some ways is better than a spouse would be because her mom doesn't work, is a widow, and views her role as grandmother and caregiver to be the most important role of this phase of her life.

In short, I know a number of SMBC who are able to give their kids as much if not more than I can give my kids in terms of stability and family support. The idea that a nuclear family is the ideal way to raise kids assumes a lot of things about how that nuclear family is set up, and IME it doesn't always work that way.

We have some so ilia ties with our extended family situation. One thing I’ve focused on over the past decade is friendships. My kids won’t grow up with cousins they are close to or know but we have our friends families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a single mom not by choice, I say no. Better to adopt a child who needs a loving parent.

I agree.

But married couples are in a better position to adopt an older child who often have special needs. If you are giving that advice to everyone ok but I think it’s crazy to advise single people to adopt the highest needs children.

As a single mom (by choice) it was clear that there are way more adoptive families than babies (so no need) and I did not have the emotional and other resources to adopt an older child.

Donor embryo is much easier assuming pregnancy is not an issue.