Single mom IVF- Fair to future child?

[Anonymous]

It’s not ideal but neither are the majority of families, two-parents families included. I grew up with high income, abusive parents who remain (unhappily) married. One loving single, stable, normal parent of any income level would have been a massive improvement.

I see no problem with this choice. We don’t police addicts, abusers, the poor, those with chronic health issues, violent parents etc. having children so why single parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is - is it fair to the mom? Everyone talks about how great kids are but that reality is that it is grinding, hard work that often doesn't pay off. Kids aren't always light and love. Plus, if your kid has a problem, behavioural or physical - which is more likely with IVF - there is no one else to rely on. When I was in my 30's, I thought how sad I'd be if I didn't have kids - but now I look at all my friends who don't have kids and they are having a much better time than I am.

I tried to be a SMBC. I had family support, I selected a donor, and I tried for several years. I went as far as hiring a surrogate for my last embryo. I was ready to move on to donor eggs or embryos but then Covid happened and by the time things got back to normal I was on the other side of 45.
When I started the process, I thought I'd die if it didn't work out. But...I'm okay. Life seems so much more challenging and the future more uncertain than it was ten years ago, my nieces and nephews are teenagers now, my parents suddenly seem very old. I'm sure I'd manage, because I'd have to manage, but it would be really hard. I still get sad about it sometimes but I'm not sure if the sadness is about not raising a child or about feeling like I've missed out or failed at a life experience that people are "supposed to" have. I'm glad that I tried. I don't really have any regrets about not settling down with a man I didn't love for the sake of having children or not starting the process sooner. I made what I thought were the right choices at the time I made them, and I'm mostly at peace with life.

Your question "is it fair to the mom?" is an interesting one. I had years to contemplate if it would be fair to my child, but I never thought about whether it was fair to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the friends is tired of waiting for Mr. Right and playing with the idea of using a donor embryo to have a baby in future. Some of the moms were against it as they feel having and raising a child is a huge responsibility to be handled alone and also not fair to the child to grow up fatherless.

If anyone has done it, how did it go? What were the struggles and how you overcame them? Do you feel it was selfish to not consider child's feelings and creating one instead of adopting an orphan?

These moms will place their children for adoption if their husbands ever die/divorce? No?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

She should discuss the issue with a donor-conceived persons group if her concern is fairness to the child.

OP, your friend should be aware that there are very active DCP groups and that they are gnerally not supportive of what your friend is contemplating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

She should discuss the issue with a donor-conceived persons group if her concern is fairness to the child.

OP, your friend should be aware that there are very active DCP groups and that they are gnerally not supportive of what your friend is contemplating.

This is a good advice because she wants perceptive of kids not parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is - is it fair to the mom? Everyone talks about how great kids are but that reality is that it is grinding, hard work that often doesn't pay off. Kids aren't always light and love. Plus, if your kid has a problem, behavioural or physical - which is more likely with IVF - there is no one else to rely on. When I was in my 30's, I thought how sad I'd be if I didn't have kids - but now I look at all my friends who don't have kids and they are having a much better time than I am.

Why are behavioral or physical problems more likely with IVF?

[Anonymous]

I am an SMBC (via adoption) and so are my 6 close friends. (everyone else is an acquaintance.)

We look out for each other as not everyone has family close by. I have never paid for babysitting and I try to make sure none of my friends do either. My door is open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

She should discuss the issue with a donor-conceived persons group if her concern is fairness to the child.

OP, your friend should be aware that there are very active DCP groups and that they are gnerally not supportive of what your friend is contemplating.

Caveat: those for whom being donor-conceived is not an issue tend not to seek out and participate in groups like this.

[Anonymous]

She should stop talking to you about this decision, and you should stop posting about it here.

[Anonymous]

Its a tough decision and in the end, mom is the one who has to decide and live with the decision. Imho if babies had choice, most with go with loving, mild mannered, upright, wealthy, healthy, good looking, intelligent and fun parents living in scenic towns with pleasant climate and theme parks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its a tough decision and in the end, mom is the one who has to decide and live with the decision. Imho if babies had choice, most with go with loving, mild mannered, upright, wealthy, healthy, good looking, intelligent and fun parents living in scenic towns with pleasant climate and theme parks.

The child also has to live with the decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its a tough decision and in the end, mom is the one who has to decide and live with the decision. Imho if babies had choice, most with go with loving, mild mannered, upright, wealthy, healthy, good looking, intelligent and fun parents living in scenic towns with pleasant climate and theme parks.

This is funny and a good point!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its a tough decision and in the end, mom is the one who has to decide and live with the decision. Imho if babies had choice, most with go with loving, mild mannered, upright, wealthy, healthy, good looking, intelligent and fun parents living in scenic towns with pleasant climate and theme parks.

The child also has to live with the decision.

Yes but so does children of alcoholics and druggies, why nobody tells them to think it over before having one?

[Anonymous]

And poor people having children.

They don't think about the unfairness to the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And poor people having children.

They don't think about the unfairness to the children.

It seems in poor countries people prefer to have more children, helping hands and safety net for old age.