Single mom IVF- Fair to future child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single parenting by choice was the biggest mistake I ever made. I should have married the guy that was madly in love with me. My child would have turned out better.

Why didn’t you?

Had plenty of my own income and was a misguided feminist back then. But eventually you wake up to realize your kid needs an actual man in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single parenting by choice was the biggest mistake I ever made. I should have married the guy that was madly in love with me. My child would have turned out better.

Why didn’t you?

Had plenty of my own income and was a misguided feminist back then. But eventually you wake up to realize your kid needs an actual man in the house.

I'm confused. You decided not to settle on a guy and wish you had? If you had selected that path, you could be a divorced single mom now. Maybe the kid would have been better off, or maybe all of you would have ended up deeply traumatized by the divorce and custody battle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the friends is tired of waiting for Mr. Right and playing with the idea of using a donor embryo to have a baby in future. Some of the moms were against it as they feel having and raising a child is a huge responsibility to be handled alone and also not fair to the child to grow up fatherless.

If anyone has done it, how did it go? What were the struggles and how you overcame them? Do you feel it was selfish to not consider child's feelings and creating one instead of adopting an orphan?

I did it, not by choice, he left when DCs were very young. Honestly, went fine. I don’t regret a thing and am grateful everyday for my kids, who are now grown. I think you should support your friend who doesn’t want to miss out on the chance to do this. The other moms are condescending and myopic and your support would mean everything to your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

This. /end thread

[Anonymous]

It seems less selfish for a stable adult who is established in their career and has financial security to raise a child alone than it does for two teenagers to decide to raise a baby conceived accidentally when they aren’t mature, have little income, poor job prospects, haven’t finished school and aren’t sure they want to remain together.

It sounds like your friend is still open to finding Mr. Right, and perhaps she will, even if she is already a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s not your business. Personally if I were in that position I’d adopt over using a donor embryo (since either way the child is not genetically related to the mother), but it’s not my business either. Just keep your mouth shut unless you can offer support.

Its a life changing decision so wants everyone's input and discussions but obviously decision is hers to make and everyone we all want to support her no matter what she decides.

[Anonymous]

In my honest opinion, early 30's is too early to throw in the towel to take on pregnancy and full time parenting for a single bread winner but I do support freezing eggs or adopting an orphan who has no one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A stable single mom with money and family support will be a good parent IMO. There's no fighting with dad, bitter divorce, or instability. I do think that a loving mom is better than a loving mom + abusive or dysfunctional divorced dad. I've seen a lot of kids and friends grow up in divorced households where they had to spend every other week with alcoholic dads, abusive dads or dads who were just completely checked out. At least with a single mom by choice you've eliminated that.

You will need money for nanny/daycare and/or a flexible job however. A lot of us can barely manage awful school schedules even with two parents.

+100

Have many SMBC friends (they did try to find Mr. Right at first, but just didn't happen). As long as the finances are solid and there is a support network, it's good. Honestly they (and their DCs) are living their best life!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a stable single parent is way better than some of the dysfunctional couples I've seen have children.

My number one question would be about finances and support system. You need to have the money to pay for a support system, especially because you don't have another partner to help cover all the things a young kid needs (mainly: sick days).

This. I’m a single mother to an 18 yr old. His life is probably more stable than many of his friends with two parents. It is tiring to do it all by yourself but money helps. I don’t make a lot which is why I’m so tired! But it can be done well.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different and everyone’s situation is different.

The one SMBC I know adopted a child from another country. It has not worked out well. The child has a lot of problems that the mom is not equipped to deal with, plus the mom has a lot of her own mental health issues.

She has tried to get extended family members to be male mentors for her son, but they were all either older or had too many of their own obligations to take that on. Other family members have offered to help and support the mom, but she rejects any help from women, saying that her son needs men in his life, not more women because he already has her.

I think this child would have been better off being adopted by a couple that includes at least one man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one SMBC I know adopted a child from another country. It has not worked out well. The child has a lot of problems that the mom is not equipped to deal with, plus the mom has a lot of her own mental health issues.

This is why adoption shouldn't be casually offered as a solution. It is not an easier or cheaper route to having kids. If parenting a biological child might seem too tough for a single parent to handle, then parenting an adopted child would be even more so.

[Anonymous]

The real question is - is it fair to the mom? Everyone talks about how great kids are but that reality is that it is grinding, hard work that often doesn't pay off. Kids aren't always light and love. Plus, if your kid has a problem, behavioural or physical - which is more likely with IVF - there is no one else to rely on. When I was in my 30's, I thought how sad I'd be if I didn't have kids - but now I look at all my friends who don't have kids and they are having a much better time than I am.

[Anonymous]

Every parent is a flawed human - whether you get two or one you will be dealt some “unfairness” to some degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The real question is - is it fair to the mom? Everyone talks about how great kids are but that reality is that it is grinding, hard work that often doesn't pay off. Kids aren't always light and love. Plus, if your kid has a problem, behavioural or physical - which is more likely with IVF - there is no one else to rely on. When I was in my 30's, I thought how sad I'd be if I didn't have kids - but now I look at all my friends who don't have kids and they are having a much better time than I am.

I agree with this. I don't think that somebody should have kids unless they have support. But this goes for single as well as married women because as we all know some men are just a drag. It's not good for the entirety of the responsibility of raising a child to be on one person.

[Anonymous]

How many of your groups children are growing up in a toxic household with 2 parents who hate each other? MYOB if you can't be supportive.