Single mom IVF- Fair to future child?

[Anonymous]

One of the friends is tired of waiting for Mr. Right and playing with the idea of using a donor embryo to have a baby in future. Some of the moms were against it as they feel having and raising a child is a huge responsibility to be handled alone and also not fair to the child to grow up fatherless.

If anyone has done it, how did it go? What were the struggles and how you overcame them? Do you feel it was selfish to not consider child's feelings and creating one instead of adopting an orphan?

[Anonymous]

your friend should discuss this with a single moms by choice group. You should MYOB.

[Anonymous]

I think a stable single parent is way better than some of the dysfunctional couples I've seen have children.

My number one question would be about finances and support system. You need to have the money to pay for a support system, especially because you don't have another partner to help cover all the things a young kid needs (mainly: sick days).

[Anonymous]

I think your friend should make whatever decision she wants. Plenty of children grow up with just moms. Is it better to have two loving parents, sure. but there are no guarantees in life even if she had a loving partner.

[Anonymous]

Single parenting by choice was the biggest mistake I ever made. I should have married the guy that was madly in love with me. My child would have turned out better.

[Anonymous]

When does anybody consider a child's feelings when they bring a kid into the world? I am in favor of anybody having a kid whenever they want, but I think the vast majority of people who bring children into the world are doing it for themselves and not for the sake of a being who doesn't even exist yet. A single mom IVF isn't being any more selfish than almost anybody else who has kids. In fact that is much less selfish than those who have kids with somebody who is unlikely to be a good parent and that happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s not your business. Personally if I were in that position I’d adopt over using a donor embryo (since either way the child is not genetically related to the mother), but it’s not my business either. Just keep your mouth shut unless you can offer support.

[Anonymous]

I am married but I have friends who are SMBC and in several situations, their kids have more stability and family support than mine do, because the moms have such supportive families.

My spouse and I have really unsupportive extended families. We work hard to make sure our kids have positive relationships and memories with grandparents, and get to know their cousins, but we don't derive any support of any kind from parents or siblings and our families have never been helpful in terms of helping raise our kids; we've had to make tough choices to shield our kids from certain aspects of our families that could be negative influences.

I have a friend who is a SMBC who lives on the same block as her sister who has same age kids, the families share a lot of childcare and support duties, the cousins are very close, and all the adults have meaningful relationships with all the kids.

I have another friends who is a SMBC whose mom lives with her in an apartment attached to her house, is a daily presence in her son's life, is a form of support for my friend. She is filling the role of co-parent, and in some ways is better than a spouse would be because her mom doesn't work, is a widow, and views her role as grandmother and caregiver to be the most important role of this phase of her life.

In short, I know a number of SMBC who are able to give their kids as much if not more than I can give my kids in terms of stability and family support. The idea that a nuclear family is the ideal way to raise kids assumes a lot of things about how that nuclear family is set up, and IME it doesn't always work that way.

[Anonymous]

As a single mom not by choice, I say no. Better to adopt a child who needs a loving parent.

[Anonymous]

This is your friend's decision and only her decision, so be careful to only weigh in if she invites you to do so.

But I'm raising a happy, well-adjusted kid solo after using donor sperm. She doesn't know any different. Our family is just our family to her. There is no sense of loss. She has been aware she was donor conceived from birth. We talk about how there are a lot of different kinds of families - some with two moms, some with a mom and a dad, some with a mom and kid, etc.

She has a lot of people in her life that love her including grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and close family friends (male and female). I also consider our babysitters, nannies, coaches, and teachers over the years to be part of our extended village and value the role they have had in her life.

The only challenge has been being the only income earner in the family. I make a good income, but I did slow my work travel during the daycare and preschool years when there is a lot of sickness.

I'd also like to add that it is perfectly valid to become a single parent by choice without a huge six figure income and without a grandparent who can help co-parent or move in. Any woman with reasonable financial stability can raise a child solo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the friends is tired of waiting for Mr. Right and playing with the idea of using a donor embryo to have a baby in future. Some of the moms were against it as they feel having and raising a child is a huge responsibility to be handled alone and also not fair to the child to grow up fatherless.

If anyone has done it, how did it go? What were the struggles and how you overcame them? Do you feel it was selfish to not consider child's feelings and creating one instead of adopting an orphan?

This is for your friend to explore. Stop being nosy.

[Anonymous]

I have a lot of empathy for women who very much want to find Mr. Right and have a “traditional” family with children, but find themselves single and thereby with different/more complicated and stigmatized options when it comes to having children. There are a lot of ethical minefields for these women regardless of what path they pursue. At the end of the day, none of their situations or choices has anything to do with me, so it’s definitely not my place to pass judgement, particularly since I’ve never been in their position.

[Anonymous]

A stable single mom with money and family support will be a good parent IMO. There's no fighting with dad, bitter divorce, or instability. I do think that a loving mom is better than a loving mom + abusive or dysfunctional divorced dad. I've seen a lot of kids and friends grow up in divorced households where they had to spend every other week with alcoholic dads, abusive dads or dads who were just completely checked out. At least with a single mom by choice you've eliminated that.

You will need money for nanny/daycare and/or a flexible job however. A lot of us can barely manage awful school schedules even with two parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of empathy for women who very much want to find Mr. Right and have a “traditional” family with children, but find themselves single and thereby with different/more complicated and stigmatized options when it comes to having children. There are a lot of ethical minefields for these women regardless of what path they pursue. At the end of the day, none of their situations or choices has anything to do with me, so it’s definitely not my place to pass judgement, particularly since I’ve never been in their position.

+100

When I was younger I would have thought, why don't you just adopt a child that needs a family. But now that I have a number of friends who have adopted after much difficulty, I better understand that adoption is difficult and very expensive. And, even if you can do it many children available for adoption suffer from deep trauma. You need to be really aware of that before signing up for that. Having a baby through donor embryo or donor sperm certainly has its own risks but I can understand preferring that experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single parenting by choice was the biggest mistake I ever made. I should have married the guy that was madly in love with me. My child would have turned out better.

Why didn’t you?