How to be Petty - SIL Advice

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To me it sounds as if the SIL has Asperger’s that was never diagnosed or tempered by behavioral modifications, and since her parents know that she’s different and is not entirely independent, but have never sought help for her and her habits are ingrained now… they just go along with her demands to avoid the inevitable tantrums. And boy can people with Asperger’s have horrible grown-up tantrums. I have Aspie relatives. Sometimes we have to give in otherwise they are so stubborn they just put themselves in danger or hold everyone hostage in some way.

So to me the parents are guilty of not letting this adult finally fend for herself. It sounds like the parents would rather not come, than come without their daughter. So perhaps only meet them at hotels, where the SIL cannot demand you give up your hotel room for her. If your husband invites his parents to the house, it’s really hard to specifically uninvite her, or spell out how she can use the home. It would lead to a fight, which I’ve had to do many times… but this doesn’t sound like something your husband or his parents seem prepared to do. They’re conflict-averse, which hasn’t been great to teach SIL how to navigate life.

Now you can be the bad guy and say no to your SIL and MIL. You can try pitching a huge fit, make a scene, and say you’ve had enough of having the house turned upside down for a guest you never even invited. Such a calculated act might just work, if you’re willing to play that part. But it takes a lot out of you if you’re not that sort of person to begin with…

Good luck.

BTDT.

OP here - you are spot on in so many ways. Our youngest is ASD and it has been enlightening to change the perspective. So much to unwrap, but I admittedly am just in a mood this week as it is affecting so much. My MIL even complained there were no pictures of my SIL in the program to which my DH responded that he actually cannot think of a single picture of him in uniform with his sister. My DH and I, in other moments, have conversations with MIL about his sister. I also know that as MIL ages she gets more worried about her daughter and the life that is not there for her; thus the insistence of participating in our life. I get all of that, and that is why I am just hiding my sutter home and Hershey.

As for those looking for Jodie Sweetin painting, https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc_tSWzp3WR/.

Wow you really are a horrible person. You and your husband. You understand what it’s like to have a child on the spectrum and anyone with a brain understands it can be hereditary. Yet you have no empathy toward this woman. You instead belittle her for her martial status.

Op is not a horrible person and she is not being mean to her SIL. She is frustrated because the MIL is insisting that SIL be invited to stay in a home that is already jam packed with a family of 7. SIL very understandably needs a quiet, private space so that she can telework. A hotel would truly be the best option but MIL is simply not hearing of it. The one being difficult is MIL. She might intend to make her children closer but she is accomplishing the exact opposite with her inequitable and disrespectful treatment of her son and her DIL.

Truth be told, SIL would probably love to have a quiet hotel room all to herself and she would probably be fine sharing a suite with a kitchen with her parents. But it's MIL's way or the highway by the sounds of it.

Yes, she is. The way in which she speaks about her SIL makes her a horrible person.

That has nothing to do with not wanting an extra houseguest. She shouldn’t host a guest she does not want to. But instead of both the husband and OP saying no, they just want to trash the SIL.

MIL is the one who invited SIL. Doesn't that make MIL the host of SIL? And, if that is the case, why in the heck is MIL hosting SIL in OP's home?

What type of idiotic logic is this? Is everyone staying at MIL’s house or OP’s? Oh right, they are staying at OP’s house. So if she doesn’t want to host her SIL then she says no, we are not hosting SIL.

But that’s not what is happening is it? OP and her DH did not say an unequivocal no. Instead OP just wants to complain online and pretend she had no choice.

Op did not invite SIL to stay in her home, thus, SIL needs to finds hotel accommodations or tell MIL that she ain't going. Stop putting this on the Op she did not do this.

Both OP and her DH are allowing SIL to stay. Are you really so dense to think that any person can just show up at your house any time they want and stay with you? Of course they can’t. You say no. But neither OP nor her DH have said SIL is not invited. Even when MIL was rearranging their house today they sat back and did nothing. When did either call SIL and say - you’re not invited?

This is on OP and her DH. And your reading comprehension if you can’t follow that no one has disinvited SIL from the invitation MIL gave.

Keeping smooth waters should not be confused with an active invite. SIL was not invited. Op's MIL invited SIL, putting Op in the predicament of either hosting SIL or being the bad guy. That is not something a loving mother EVER does.

At least you now admit OP is the host.

Op is only the "host" of this sheetshow because she has a disrespectful MIL who has invited a guest w/o Op's permission. MIL is way out of line.

OP and her DH are perfectly capable of disinviting SIL.

How do you disinvite someone that you never invited in the first place? Nope. MIL created this sheetshow and she is the one who can figure it out.

Again - you just let anyone show up at your house? Please post your address, I want to stay for the weekend.

Again. The Op is not the one who issue the invitation and should not have her event ruined by a MIL who does not respect her. MIL was way out of line.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP again. I was going to add absolute for real facts that SIL just took a week of true leave from work (no double monitored office needed) to fly to the east coast to see not one - but two - Ruben studdard and clay Aiken concerts; but, I knew I would immediately be identified as a troll. But it’s the honest truth.

So what? Enough people still like Ruben Studdard and Clay Aiken that, apparently, they’re putting on multiple concerts. So what? She likes something, she enjoys it, so she goes to see something she enjoys. After all, YOU DRINK SUTTER HOME “WINE” AND EAT HERSHEY “CHOCOLATE,” BIT*H! You can’t judge.

You, too, have horrible taste. And you are so pathetically spineless. Tell them she can’t stay with you, and tell MIL to stop re-arranging your furniture, and get out of your office. I would have solved both of those non-problems in eight seconds flat. By opening my mouth. You know if you try, you can use your mouth for better purposes than shoveling in Hersheys.

Did SIL invite Op to those concerts? My guess is.....NO.

[Anonymous]

OP here. After 9 days in my home everyone left this morning. MIL booked an Uber at 3:30 am for a 6:30 am flight when we are two miles from the airport. Everyone was THAT ready to leave. MIL and I had fought 1 minute after SIL arriving to house. MIL waited for arrival of SIL to protest SIL’s living arrangements whilst at my house. I had suggested a hotel earlier in the week if SIL needed her own space. When I said this was all ridiculous demands of me and my family, MIL called me controlling and mean. We then spent 9 days together. I have in and SIL had a room to herself from which she emerged for maybe a total of 24 hours during the 9 days, including her attendance at my husbands retirement.

It was all horrible. My husbands ceremony, however, was very lovely. Icing on the cake was my 14.5 year old dog started seizing, and I had to make the decision to put him to sleep in the midst of this. I finally feel like I have my space back to grieve him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After 9 days in my home everyone left this morning. MIL booked an Uber at 3:30 am for a 6:30 am flight when we are two miles from the airport. Everyone was THAT ready to leave. MIL and I had fought 1 minute after SIL arriving to house. MIL waited for arrival of SIL to protest SIL’s living arrangements whilst at my house. I had suggested a hotel earlier in the week if SIL needed her own space. When I said this was all ridiculous demands of me and my family, MIL called me controlling and mean. We then spent 9 days together. I have in and SIL had a room to herself from which she emerged for maybe a total of 24 hours during the 9 days, including her attendance at my husbands retirement.

It was all horrible. My husbands ceremony, however, was very lovely. Icing on the cake was my 14.5 year old dog started seizing, and I had to make the decision to put him to sleep in the midst of this. I finally feel like I have my space back to grieve him.

I am so sorry about your dog, OP. What a horrible thing to have to deal with while your house is full of guests.

But...I'm curious to know more about what you and MIL fought about, specifics about how your SIL acted and then what your husband thought about all this! (if he thought about it at all!).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

Don't you or your DH say any of that. Just say you can't make any specific accommodations and if she needs more it's better she book a hotel

OP here - already offered the hotel route. MIL arrived this week and when we picked her up from the airport we suggested a hotel and provided info on coworking spaces. Obviously this was not good enough as my MIL has spent today rearranging my office to make space for my SIL. My DH has no relationship with this sister - 8 year age gap - and she is 0 factor in his military career. DH left home at 18 and has never lived closer than 1500 miles to home. SIL interloping on our family events has gotten markedly worse the older she gets. We only see ILs once or twice a year. I just got some good wine and chocolate that I am hiding.

Then you are too pathetic to help. I hope you have a miserable time, you deserve it. No one—but no one—stays overnight in my home uninvited. They wouldn’t cross the threshold. You are a doormat, but don’t complain: you are the one who laid down. Weak people deserve to be kicked around. Grow a spine.

Family members don’t count for “invites.” When you invite my parents, I’m allowed to come along too.

Are you over the age of 18?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For me, it is just too difficult to take the side of a woman who judges another woman’s value based on whether she’s married or ever will be. As always, there are two sides to this story.

It's Op's home, it's Op's husband special event, Op and her husband have suggested a hotel and even researched the hotels that had dedicated office work areas.

MIL is being a pill and is the one creating the issue. If she treated her children fairly and as equals she would see that she is imposing upon Op and her family to accommodate the SIL.

My guess is, the SIL tried to say "Mom, I would love to go but I have to work remotely and Brother's house is way too noisy and chaotic for me to do that." But MIL insisted that SIL come along and has pestered Op into allowing this visit and has even gone so far as to rearrange Op's office for the SIL's use.

***Plumbing issue. If you have to use some of that fart spray to make it realistic, use it. They need to go to a hotel.***

Who are the pathetic people that come up with these dumbass stories/excuses for an OP to use?

Put yourself in Op's position. What is the best way to get the in-laws to stay in a hotel without a bunch of hurt feelings and controversy ruining Op's husband's day? Use your noggin'. It doesn't sound like SIL wants to use her vacation leave on this trip and is probably not even excited to be going for this visit in the first place.

But MIL is not going to take "no" for an answer and is insisting that SIL come on this visit and that Op accommodate her. That is wrong. Going into Op's private office space to make room for SIL was intrusive and breathtakingly rude of MIL. And MIL inviting SIL to stay in Op's home and insisting that SIL tag along is brutally rude of MIL.

Thankfully, the Op's husband is on board with his family members staying in a hotel so he can tell them a little white lie about the plumbing having issues and having to wait for parts to get it repaired or some such thing.

So every time they want to come visit you have to come up with a new excuse? Yeah, great idea!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After 9 days in my home everyone left this morning. MIL booked an Uber at 3:30 am for a 6:30 am flight when we are two miles from the airport. Everyone was THAT ready to leave. MIL and I had fought 1 minute after SIL arriving to house. MIL waited for arrival of SIL to protest SIL’s living arrangements whilst at my house. I had suggested a hotel earlier in the week if SIL needed her own space. When I said this was all ridiculous demands of me and my family, MIL called me controlling and mean. We then spent 9 days together. I have in and SIL had a room to herself from which she emerged for maybe a total of 24 hours during the 9 days, including her attendance at my husbands retirement.

It was all horrible. My husbands ceremony, however, was very lovely. Icing on the cake was my 14.5 year old dog started seizing, and I had to make the decision to put him to sleep in the midst of this. I finally feel like I have my space back to grieve him.

I feel for you. It sounds awful. Maybe next time you and DH can be more upfront, direct and forceful. It sounds like there are hurt feelings on both sides regardless of the route you take but probably makes sense to prioritize your family.

[Anonymous]

DH needs to handle.
You stay out of it and as far away from them as you can. Pedicure, shopping, dental work, whatever it takes.

DH needs to tell MIL that She and dad are always welcome. Henceforward however he insists his sister gets a hotel room IF she decides to come.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe SIL ended up with her own room after all that. Petty? I would have not offered it OR the office, but then I would have made her share with 3 of the kids and been in and out all day. She's a grown woman too. If her job is serious to her, she would have stayed in a hotel or stayed home.

[Anonymous]

"She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in."

From Full House? LoL. Hilarious.

37 is not old. She can still get married if she wants.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:To me it sounds as if the SIL has Asperger’s that was never diagnosed or tempered by behavioral modifications, and since her parents know that she’s different and is not entirely independent, but have never sought help for her and her habits are ingrained now… they just go along with her demands to avoid the inevitable tantrums. And boy can people with Asperger’s have horrible grown-up tantrums. I have Aspie relatives. Sometimes we have to give in otherwise they are so stubborn they just put themselves in danger or hold everyone hostage in some way.

So to me the parents are guilty of not letting this adult finally fend for herself. It sounds like the parents would rather not come, than come without their daughter. So perhaps only meet them at hotels, where the SIL cannot demand you give up your hotel room for her. If your husband invites his parents to the house, it’s really hard to specifically uninvite her, or spell out how she can use the home. It would lead to a fight, which I’ve had to do many times… but this doesn’t sound like something your husband or his parents seem prepared to do. They’re conflict-averse, which hasn’t been great to teach SIL how to navigate life.

Now you can be the bad guy and say no to your SIL and MIL. You can try pitching a huge fit, make a scene, and say you’ve had enough of having the house turned upside down for a guest you never even invited. Such a calculated act might just work, if you’re willing to play that part. But it takes a lot out of you if you’re not that sort of person to begin with…

Good luck.

BTDT.

OP here - you are spot on in so many ways. Our youngest is ASD and it has been enlightening to change the perspective. So much to unwrap, but I admittedly am just in a mood this week as it is affecting so much. My MIL even complained there were no pictures of my SIL in the program to which my DH responded that he actually cannot think of a single picture of him in uniform with his sister. My DH and I, in other moments, have conversations with MIL about his sister. I also know that as MIL ages she gets more worried about her daughter and the life that is not there for her; thus the insistence of participating in our life. I get all of that, and that is why I am just hiding my sutter home and Hershey.

As for those looking for Jodie Sweetin painting, https://www.instagram.com/p/Cc_tSWzp3WR/.

Wow you really are a horrible person. You and your husband. You understand what it’s like to have a child on the spectrum and anyone with a brain understands it can be hereditary. Yet you have no empathy toward this woman. You instead belittle her for her martial status.

Op is not a horrible person and she is not being mean to her SIL. She is frustrated because the MIL is insisting that SIL be invited to stay in a home that is already jam packed with a family of 7. SIL very understandably needs a quiet, private space so that she can telework. A hotel would truly be the best option but MIL is simply not hearing of it. The one being difficult is MIL. She might intend to make her children closer but she is accomplishing the exact opposite with her inequitable and disrespectful treatment of her son and her DIL.

Truth be told, SIL would probably love to have a quiet hotel room all to herself and she would probably be fine sharing a suite with a kitchen with her parents. But it's MIL's way or the highway by the sounds of it.

Yes, she is. The way in which she speaks about her SIL makes her a horrible person.

That has nothing to do with not wanting an extra houseguest. She shouldn’t host a guest she does not want to. But instead of both the husband and OP saying no, they just want to trash the SIL.

MIL is the one who invited SIL. Doesn't that make MIL the host of SIL? And, if that is the case, why in the heck is MIL hosting SIL in OP's home?

What type of idiotic logic is this? Is everyone staying at MIL’s house or OP’s? Oh right, they are staying at OP’s house. So if she doesn’t want to host her SIL then she says no, we are not hosting SIL.

But that’s not what is happening is it? OP and her DH did not say an unequivocal no. Instead OP just wants to complain online and pretend she had no choice.

NP. That’s the point, moron. You can’t host someone in someone else’s home, which is why you don’t invite people to stay in someone else’s home. If you want to host someone, you do so either in your home, or in a hotel you’ve paid for or a rental property you have paid for. Did we go slow enough for you? See how that works yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem here is MIL.

My own mother was just like this, for some reason hotels freaked her out, and she insisted we all squish together and be uncomfortable.

NP. So what? My MIL also “insists” on squishing, but DH and I are grown adults and we open our mouths and say “No,” then we proceed not to squish. See how that works? MIL can “insist” until she is blue in the face, but that doesn’t mean DH and I do what she wants. We do what works best for us and our family. You can, too, if you grow a spine and learn to say no to Mommy.

[Anonymous]

I do not understand the vitriolic responses here unless it's just a ton of projection. I am fully Team OP here. Those are outrageous requests and everyone here knows it. I get that your husband is busy with retirement, but it's his family so why isn't he dealing with it? (sorry, I haven't read the entire thread, so I'm sure someone has already asked this). My two SIL on my husband's side have some insane baggage/issues that I refuse to deal with. Love my MIL and FIL (and like you, we have their only grandchildren). They also seem to bend over backward to make sure their other children are EXTRA-included (clearly some kind of complex where they don't want to favor their grandchildren over their children).

Anyway, I especially loved your Full House reference. I'm happy to hear that Jodie Sweetin is cleaning up her life, and now I'm strangely interested in her art.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. This is like the rudest post I've seen in a long time on here. She's your husband's sister yet you treat her like trash. Stop being a mean girl and include her in the family. You are not the ruler of the entire family. She grew up with your husband and it's her family of origin. Why treat her like like a reject? Excluding people is so cruel. Grow up and be a kind person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. After 9 days in my home everyone left this morning. MIL booked an Uber at 3:30 am for a 6:30 am flight when we are two miles from the airport. Everyone was THAT ready to leave. MIL and I had fought 1 minute after SIL arriving to house. MIL waited for arrival of SIL to protest SIL’s living arrangements whilst at my house. I had suggested a hotel earlier in the week if SIL needed her own space. When I said this was all ridiculous demands of me and my family, MIL called me controlling and mean. We then spent 9 days together. I have in and SIL had a room to herself from which she emerged for maybe a total of 24 hours during the 9 days, including her attendance at my husbands retirement.

It was all horrible. My husbands ceremony, however, was very lovely. Icing on the cake was my 14.5 year old dog started seizing, and I had to make the decision to put him to sleep in the midst of this. I finally feel like I have my space back to grieve him.

I'm so glad you came back to update us. How sad about your dog. My advice to you now after having spent 9 awful days with your ILs: The next time there is any mention of you hosting them again, you must refuse. Have a specific line - "Marsha, we all know how badly the June 2023 visit was. We are never doing that again. Here is a list of the closest hotels." and do not budge, ever.