How to be Petty - SIL Advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she's demanded specific accommodations in your house (via MIL), both you and DH should respond that you cannot provide what she wants, and she would be more comfortable at a hotel. Your DH needs to inform his family that 1. SIL needs to communicate directly with you about her plans if she plans to visit, 2. people should visit only when invited, and 3. your home is not a resort, and that while staying there, they need to accommodate your family's needs and plans, not the other way around - if they need private space, they can stay at a hotel.

I cannot even imagine visiting a relative uninvited, making someone give up their beach trip, or taking over their common space for my remote seminar! The parents and SIL sound extremely codependent, with them filling in for her social deficits and unable to say no to her. You can't change that dynamic, but you can set boundaries for your home and family. Your DH needs to be on the same page with you. I'm sure he is used to all this having grown up in this family, but needs to understand that bringing uninvited guests/assuming you are invited, refusing to communicate directly, and commandeering the common areas of your host's house is not normal or polite behavior, and while you want a good relationship with his family, you are done putting up with their rudeness.

Op's dh is probably not the one cleaning the house, rearranging rooms,cooking meals, coaxing kids to give up their personal space for house guests...... If he was doing that, then he would understand the difficulties of hosting his family. I don't get the sense that he participates much in the planning/prep work and what a chore that can be, especially with 5 kids(!) in the home but I could be wrong.

Would Op's husband be amenable to asking his family to stay at a hotel? Or is he of the mind that family always hosts family in the family home...?

[Anonymous]

Maybe Op can get a hotel room with room service, a restaurant, bar, pool and spa....and let her dh deal with the logistics of cooking and space planning.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

It’s pretty simple, just say you can’t possibly accommodate all that and as PPs pointed out, say it would be better for her to stay in a hotel. Maybe suggest that your MIL, FIL, and SIL all get an Airbnb. It sounds like your MIL is more interested in SIL than her grandkids anyway.

Do not let her ruin your husbands retirement. She is clearly going to cause issues and is making it well known by her demands. She can’t have him be the center of attention. Do not let her stay with you. Even if you give into all her demands, she will find some way to make it all about her. Give your husband his house at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

[Anonymous]

Clearly I don't understand the dynamics because we do not invite specific family members to things. Retirement parties and graduations are open invites.
Is also understood that outside of legit medical type concerns no one is expected to make specific accommodations. If you need something else you'll have to make your own accomodations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

Don't you or your DH say any of that. Just say you can't make any specific accommodations and if she needs more it's better she book a hotel

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a socially awkward, mean 37 yo. Never married. Will probably never marry. She and ILs live 3000 miles away. She lives separately from ILs, moved out at 30. We have 5 kids and ILs only grandkids. SIL loves to control MIL. My DH is retiring from the military this week. He invited his parents, who are coming. MIL is already here, FIL is joining with SIL Monday. SIL was never specifically invited. We maintain no relationship with her. Our 18 you daughter specifically dislikes her. She never calls or texts any of our family. Ever. I will text her every now and again to no response. Last year she tagged along uninvited again for daughters graduation.
Last year she complained of sleeping arrangements as she was in my office, and I had to get her up so I could work. She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in. My MIL stressed the whole day about this and shushed us in our adjacent tv room during the debacle. SIL planned tours for in laws that meant they couldn’t go to dinner for daughters graduation. This year - through my MIL — she’s demanded a room in our house devoted to her so she can telework while here. With 2 separate monitors and preferably the room she sleeps in. We were also planning on going to the beach with MIL this weekend, but MIL refused to join because SIL thought it was unfair to come to our house empty (with her dad) for 16 hours. SIL does nothing for ILs - they cook for her and watch her dog.
I’m looking for advice on how to make it clear she is not invited to these events ever again and to get through the next week with my very full house (no pun intended).

You are a nasty person. Seek help.

And you have 5 kids, weirdo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a socially awkward, mean 37 yo. Never married. Will probably never marry. She and ILs live 3000 miles away. She lives separately from ILs, moved out at 30. We have 5 kids and ILs only grandkids. SIL loves to control MIL. My DH is retiring from the military this week. He invited his parents, who are coming. MIL is already here, FIL is joining with SIL Monday. SIL was never specifically invited. We maintain no relationship with her. Our 18 you daughter specifically dislikes her. She never calls or texts any of our family. Ever. I will text her every now and again to no response. Last year she tagged along uninvited again for daughters graduation.
Last year she complained of sleeping arrangements as she was in my office, and I had to get her up so I could work. She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in. My MIL stressed the whole day about this and shushed us in our adjacent tv room during the debacle. SIL planned tours for in laws that meant they couldn’t go to dinner for daughters graduation. This year - through my MIL — she’s demanded a room in our house devoted to her so she can telework while here. With 2 separate monitors and preferably the room she sleeps in. We were also planning on going to the beach with MIL this weekend, but MIL refused to join because SIL thought it was unfair to come to our house empty (with her dad) for 16 hours. SIL does nothing for ILs - they cook for her and watch her dog.
I’m looking for advice on how to make it clear she is not invited to these events ever again and to get through the next week with my very full house (no pun intended).

You suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your disdain for this woman has caused her to to not want a relationship with you. How much older are you to your SIL? And why are you making arrangements for her stay? That’s up to your husband. He’s clearly not upset his mother isn’t coming to the beach.

Also his mom has her own agency she's not being controlled by MIL

Seems to me op feels like she's superior because she's married and has children and because that her mil should prioritize her.

Yes, OP’s opening statements make that VERY clear.

It's also telling that op wants advice on how to be rude. Like wtf?

And how she thinks it's her business if her in laws cook for their daughter and watch her dog. Clearly op thinks they should be doing more important things like watching her 5 kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is a socially awkward, mean 37 yo. Never married. Will probably never marry. She and ILs live 3000 miles away. She lives separately from ILs, moved out at 30. We have 5 kids and ILs only grandkids. SIL loves to control MIL. My DH is retiring from the military this week. He invited his parents, who are coming. MIL is already here, FIL is joining with SIL Monday. SIL was never specifically invited. We maintain no relationship with her. Our 18 you daughter specifically dislikes her. She never calls or texts any of our family. Ever. I will text her every now and again to no response. Last year she tagged along uninvited again for daughters graduation.
Last year she complained of sleeping arrangements as she was in my office, and I had to get her up so I could work. She booked an online painting class with Jodie Sweetin that we had to clear out of our open concept dining room for her to participate in. My MIL stressed the whole day about this and shushed us in our adjacent tv room during the debacle. SIL planned tours for in laws that meant they couldn’t go to dinner for daughters graduation. This year - through my MIL — she’s demanded a room in our house devoted to her so she can telework while here. With 2 separate monitors and preferably the room she sleeps in. We were also planning on going to the beach with MIL this weekend, but MIL refused to join because SIL thought it was unfair to come to our house empty (with her dad) for 16 hours. SIL does nothing for ILs - they cook for her and watch her dog.
I’m looking for advice on how to make it clear she is not invited to these events ever again and to get through the next week with my very full house (no pun intended).

How do you live with yourself being such a nasty, judgemental, exclusionary B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

Don't you or your DH say any of that. Just say you can't make any specific accommodations and if she needs more it's better she book a hotel

OP here - already offered the hotel route. MIL arrived this week and when we picked her up from the airport we suggested a hotel and provided info on coworking spaces. Obviously this was not good enough as my MIL has spent today rearranging my office to make space for my SIL. My DH has no relationship with this sister - 8 year age gap - and she is 0 factor in his military career. DH left home at 18 and has never lived closer than 1500 miles to home. SIL interloping on our family events has gotten markedly worse the older she gets. We only see ILs once or twice a year. I just got some good wine and chocolate that I am hiding.

[Anonymous]

I don’t like messy situations. I would not jeopardize my DHs retirement. I would also only provide what I can provide. If SIL wants more. Let them know that SIL can stay in hotel. Your husband should write

Hey Larla, our house is going to be hectic and chaotic. I am going to suggest a hotel room for you if you choose to attend my retirement celebration. I certainly understand work pressure.

[Anonymous]

No matter what, you're going to look like the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

Don't you or your DH say any of that. Just say you can't make any specific accommodations and if she needs more it's better she book a hotel

OP here - already offered the hotel route. MIL arrived this week and when we picked her up from the airport we suggested a hotel and provided info on coworking spaces. Obviously this was not good enough as my MIL has spent today rearranging my office to make space for my SIL. My DH has no relationship with this sister - 8 year age gap - and she is 0 factor in his military career. DH left home at 18 and has never lived closer than 1500 miles to home. SIL interloping on our family events has gotten markedly worse the older she gets. We only see ILs once or twice a year. I just got some good wine and chocolate that I am hiding.

Damn. You came across as a nasty B before. Now you’ve moved down the alphabet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your SIL doesn’t actually want to visit and is being difficult because she thinks you are somehow making her visit, when in reality she is being manipulated by her mother.

Dollars to donuts, I’d bet your MIL/FIL is telling your SIL she is invited and has to visit and then your SIL is cranky about crappy accommodations.

Have your DH text your MIL, FIL, and SIL on the same text chain and say he didn’t invite SIL and there’s no room for SIL, she can stay at a hotel if she’d like, but the two of you aren’t hosting her.

Don't you or your DH say any of that. Just say you can't make any specific accommodations and if she needs more it's better she book a hotel

OP here - already offered the hotel route. MIL arrived this week and when we picked her up from the airport we suggested a hotel and provided info on coworking spaces. Obviously this was not good enough as my MIL has spent today rearranging my office to make space for my SIL. My DH has no relationship with this sister - 8 year age gap - and she is 0 factor in his military career. DH left home at 18 and has never lived closer than 1500 miles to home. SIL interloping on our family events has gotten markedly worse the older she gets. We only see ILs once or twice a year. I just got some good wine and chocolate that I am hiding.

Then you are too pathetic to help. I hope you have a miserable time, you deserve it. No one—but no one—stays overnight in my home uninvited. They wouldn’t cross the threshold. You are a doormat, but don’t complain: you are the one who laid down. Weak people deserve to be kicked around. Grow a spine.