How to be Petty - SIL Advice
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Anonymous
| Seems pretty clear SIL is on the spectrum or something similar. OP must know there is more going on there and that the SIL is a package deal with her parents. |
Anonymous
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OP reviving my thread. After this nightmare here, just 2 weeks later we flew to the west coast as had been planned for 2 years to “celebrate” ILs 50th. It was miserable. We got embroiled in the flight delays and my MIL was mean and SIL maybe spoke 10 words. Limited contact after that trip.
In October, FIL had massive health scare and emergency brain surgery. SIL who lives 3 miles from ILs was in Florida for a Reuben studdard, newsboys, and nick carter (separate) concert extravaganza when this happened. MIL did not tell SIL about the brain surgery to not ruin her trip. I called SIL and told her. She refused to leave Florida. DH could not take leave from work (new job) to go, and I would cause more stress. Got through that. We booked MIL hotel near the hospital (2 hours from their house). And my FIL is doing well. A few weeks ago my MIL mentioned that they would like to visit here in April if that was ok, and I reiterated she and my FIL are always welcome. I texted MIL on Friday asking if they were still planning this trip (trying to get the sports calendar worked out). And she replies, oh yes we bought newsboy concert tickets for a show in Fairfax, I need to find plane tickets. I am now assuming my SIL plans to come, as my MIL would never want to see the newsboys on her own. I have not responded, as I want to ask if SIL was planning on coming. SIL has not communicated that she plans on heading out here. As my MIL prioritizes my SIL over her grandkids, I do not want SIL here. But if I say so I am back to the bad guy? Advice?? |
Anonymous
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Advice: go back through this thread, where people already gave you advice on how to open your fool mouth and stop acting like a complete doormat. We’re not here to help you again when you are an Ask-Hole: someone who asks for advice and then takes exactly none of it.
You were advised to leave your ILs to your husband. You were advised to set firm boundaries that SIL may not stay in your house. You’ve done none of that, and here you are again. Go away. |
Anonymous
OP here. I would do this, but the profound health scare with my elderly FIL has really upset the dynamic where boundaries are much harder to set when mortality is very present. I guess, I answered my own question though. Grandkids get to see grandpa and grandma and aunt, and I am going to suck it up. |
Anonymous
| You called your SIL on her vacation to tell her about her dad, after you MIL said she wasn't going to do that? You called to ruin her vacation for what purpose exactly? The problem here is you. Leave your SIL alone. As someone previously said, she is a package deal with parents. You sound completely selfish with no compassion. |
Anonymous
Completely agree. Why start with that unless it’s the focus of op’s overall contempt? She’s a bad guest who demands certain space - start with that. |
Anonymous
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“Hi MIL and SIL, We wanted to reach out to both of you about the upcoming visit. We understand SIL needs a separate room with computer monitors for work and privacy. Given the square footage of house, and the number of people visiting that’s impossible. We want everyone to be comfortable and get what they need, so the best solution would be for SIL to stay at a hotel X, Y or Z. There’s a conference room at X and co-working space you can reserve at Z. Please take a look and let us know what works best for you. Love OP +DH” |
Anonymous
Too many words as usual and obviously written by jerk DIL. Let DH handle the whole thing. |
Anonymous
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Chat GPT
Navigating family dynamics, especially with challenging relationships, requires a delicate balance between setting boundaries and maintaining peace. Here are some strategies you might consider: ### Setting Clear Boundaries: 1. **Direct Communication**: It may be beneficial for your husband to have a frank and respectful conversation with his sister about the expectations and boundaries for visiting your home. It’s important to express that while you value family, the needs and comfort of your immediate household must be prioritized. 2. **Specific Invitations**: In the future, be explicit about who is invited to events or stays at your house. This can be done gently but firmly, to avoid any assumptions of an open invitation. ### Managing the Current Visit: 1. **Define House Rules**: Clearly outline what is acceptable in your home regarding space usage, noise levels, and shared areas. It's okay to state that certain areas are off-limits or have designated uses during specific times. 2. **Alternative Accommodations**: If the demands for workspace and sleeping arrangements are unreasonable or infringe on your family's comfort, kindly suggest she looks into nearby accommodations that might better suit her needs for privacy and work. 3. **Schedule and Plan**: Create a schedule for the week that includes family activities and private time. This helps manage expectations and ensures everyone knows what’s happening and when. For her work requirements, you could allocate specific times when she can expect quiet or privacy, within reason. 4. **Engage MIL in Solutions**: Since your MIL seems to be an intermediary, involve her in finding solutions. Explain the constraints and challenges of accommodating everyone’s needs and seek her input on how to manage the situation harmoniously. ### Long-Term Strategies: 1. **Family Meetings**: Consider having family meetings to discuss visits and vacations in advance. This can help set expectations, understand everyone’s needs, and plan accordingly. 2. **Neutral Territory**: For future gatherings, think about meeting in neutral locations like renting a vacation home or planning outings that don’t involve staying at your house. This can reduce the strain on your household and make the event more enjoyable for everyone. 3. **Counseling/Therapy**: If the situation remains tense and communication within the family doesn’t improve, you might suggest family counseling. A neutral third party can facilitate more effective communication and help resolve underlying issues. It’s important to approach these conversations and decisions with empathy but also with a firm understanding of your family’s needs and limits. Remember, it's not about excluding family members but about ensuring the well-being and comfort of your immediate household. |
Anonymous
| At least get them a hotel room for night of concert - they won’t have to drive far late at night so makes sense and could give everyone a break during trip. |
Anonymous
DP. You're making excuses. You were also WAY out of line to call your SIL when she was in FL. Why in the world would you think it was your place to do so? YOU need to step back and let your DH manage his family. |
Anonymous
| This is a DH problem. Where is he in all of this? You have the same problem I have. MIL keeps coming to stay for long, awful visits. It's horrible, but I recognize that the real problem is that DH prioritizes avoiding conflict with his family over my mental health. I guess we are in the same club. I'm considering divorce just so I can never see MIL again. It's really true that you marry a family and not just a man. |
Anonymous
Agree, this wasn’t your place. Each family has their own disfunction and trying to “fix” it just makes you the bad guy. Don’t try to manage the relationship. Let your DH handle it. |
Anonymous
This. I can’t believe you did this. It was horrible behavior on your part, OP. You are so jealous of SIL/angry about your ILs not prioritizing your kids…why? Why do you care? You obviously don’t even like these people, why invest so much in whether they are perfect grandparents? |
Anonymous
| Why does OP think the grandparent relationship will come before the parent/child relationship? The grandparents are looking out for their own daughter first. OP has 5 kids, surely she should know how strong that bond is? The ILs still feel a lot of responsibility for their adult daughter. Some day OP might understand that. |